01 Jan 2019

The first day of the new year.

2018 had been an eventful year.. lots of highs and lows.. there were a lot of learning points..

I look ahead at 2019 with trepidation. It stems from the multitude of tasks that needs to be accomplished at work, the new role that I'm still growing into and the uncertainty of what will be happening in the coming months.

It seems like I have somewhat neglected my health and I hope that 2019 is the time where I can address it.

My mind is disjointed right now, most likely due to the stress and the lack of sleep that I have been experiencing in the recent months. It is a warning sign that I am burning out and it would be in my best interest to heed the warning before it is too late. I really do want to recover my full mental faculties, nothing is worth losing any clarity of mind.

Recently, I have been thinking more and more about what is worthwhile in life, to pursue or to put effort in, to the extent of possibly harming one's well being in order to accomplish something. I also wonder about whether the way I have been throwing myself at work is sustainable or not. Moreover, what is the purpose or fulfilment of it all? What did I gain? What did I lose? These are the questions that revolve around my mind quite frequently in the past month or so. Is there meaning to live like this?

What else is out there for me? Where should I go? What should I do? Can I ignore/let go of the responsibilities that others put on me and those that I put on myself? Why do we trap ourselves with never ending liabilities? What does it mean to truly be free?

Free of social constructs.. such as a career.. a stable income.. owning a house.. moving up in life.. betterment of self.. the should dos... the should haves..

If we strip ourselves to the bone and rebuild it up.. what would we be? what could we be?