feeling alittle blue.. not sure why..

music didn't help.. nor did playing games..

variety shows made me laugh some.. but it was soon over..

i just feel like sleeping my life away.. but.. the dark circles don't seem to fade.. i still feel tired..

lethargy.. two days and counting..

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maybe i'm just too rigid and myopic..

i shall not be..

camp.. psych camp..


i could still remember the time when i was in year one..

i was alone.. one person in a faculty that i don't know.. a place where i know no one.. mismatch.. a science student in an arts faculty..

not that i minded going to an unfamiliar place.. not that i needed friends to be around me all the time.. i managed fine on my own.. figured out bidding, my way around sch, the right place to go tutorials, using ivle.. it wasn't tough..

but.. going lectures and tutorials on my own... then go home when it finishes.. it all just feels too cold to me..

sch to me.. used to be a place full of fun and laughter.. if i don't know anyone, i make friends out of the ppl around me.. but.. in arts.. life alone was tough.. u see ppl hanging around their friends... u see ppl having lunch partners.. and i always felt left out.. like why didn't i know ppl earlier.. ppl i do projects with just want to finish the work.. always rushing off to other meetings or to classes.. no one seems to have time to stop and chat.. making friends was tough.. everyone seemed unfriendly and unapproachable..

i'll always be thankful to justina for asking me to go for a camp of a society that she was in..

i didn't want to go at first.. cos.. i was tired.. too comfortable in my own shell to want to go for camps.. but.. i told myself that i had to make some friends and the camp was about self awareness.. something that i am always interested in knowing..

frankly speaking, there was not much self awareness in it.. but the bonding.. amazing is one word that i will describe it.. the feeling that it is safe and ok to share your thots with ppl u don't know.. to talk about issues that u never broach to even good friends that u had for years.. i came out rich... with friends to say hi to when i go to sch.. with ppl to take classes with.. with ppl who stop by for a chat, a word of encouragement, a moment of relaxation..

i felt like i found my place in this seemingly cold university.. a place that i can belong..

camp was something that i felt i could give back wat i have gotten from this society.. a place i push myself out of my comfort zone to give.. to learn.. to provide.. to experience..

i was worried at first.. not knowing wat to do.. cos i don't know how to facilitate.. i have never been to any orientation in university.. not even o week.. so.. i compromised and told them that i wanted to be a ranger.. to act freshie for the first day gives me enuf time to be comfortable enuf to interact with them..

the three days were like a whirlwind.. i didn't know if wat i did was right or not.. all i remembered was planning before camp wat we the facils hope to do for our grp.. wat kind of souvenir we can give them to take back.. pre camp was tiring.. but we still stayed up whole night to think of how to bond the grp.. thinking of cheers and games.. and soon, it was over.. ribbon ceremony was unforgettable.. you see a bunch of tired faces.. but.. they say the sweetest things.. touched was wat i felt.. i didn't know wat i did.. but.. hearing how they felt about the camp.. made me feel like i did alot.. like i have a part to play in giving them the experience they had..

some of the campers told me.. that they never knew that they can make friends like this.. that it was a very memorable experience.. some say they were very glad to have made the decision to come, otherwise they would have missed out on this wonderful experience.. they no longer feel lost in this big sch.. that they have found a place they can go to.. that will always be there for them.. some thank the organisers.. the most touching thing of all.. is to hear ppl saying that they too want to come back to help in the camp any way they can, to be like the facils.. to give ppl the experience that they have gotten..

giving back is only something that ppl do when they have received...

and giving back.. wanting to see the same experience being given to everyone else.. the care and warmth that was felt.. the sense of belonging.. was wat that has kept me going.. i know wat i do may not be enuf.. but.. every small action counts.. and ppl will see it.. no matter how minute it is.. it is the heart that counts... a simple action can change ppl's lifes.. and i want to change it for the better..

a simple camp.. may not be that simple after all..

with that same purpose i joined psych camp.. the comm..

i admit.. i do get lost and frustrated now and then.. but.. i have never forgotten that goal.. it is always at the back of my head.. that wat i do can give ppl the chance to make their lifes alittle better.. and.. the knowledge there are alot of ppl out there.. who believes in us.. who also wants to give back .. who are always there to support to get help from.. it shows that.. they too, have been touched.. it's not the superficial thing that matters.. but the heart.. and.. ppl do feel it..

so.. for the ppl.. strive on..

personal touch always wins over the flowery stuff.. looking good and nice is not enuf..

your destiny is to be a Provider

Whether you know it or not, this is the role that is most in tune with who you are at your core. As a Provider, you have a genuine nurturing concern for the welfare of others and you're eager to serve them. You can recognize exactly what people need and your friendly, helpful, social nature makes them feel comforted. With your kind and generous heart, you are personable, talkative, and outward with your emotions, and your openness and sensitivity makes you concerned about the way others view you. Along these lines, be careful not to blame yourself when things go wrong. You cannot prevent bad things from happening, even though your tendency to be orderly with a strong sense of right and wrong may lead you to believe you can. Accept that you do what you can to take care of things and that this will get you far in the world.

my incapability to feel sadness used to bother me... sometimes i wonder is the emotion suppressed somewhere..

now.. i just accept it as part of me.. and try not to say or do anything that would harm ppl unintentionally..




intentional walking away and hurting someone... did it once.. yar.. cowardly i guess.. too immature... not wanting to face the issue..

i tend to run away from problems or fears that i think they are too big..

power play... miscommunications... misunderstandings.. feeling of being in the right.. the qn of do u care enuf and wat do i mean to u... the belief that others should take the first step..

generalizable to other parts of my life? yes..

have i done anything about the situations when i was in them? some yes.. some no..

why? good qn...

more to think about..

my goal.. clarity of thoughts and actions..



a reflection on my term.. did i achieve wat i set out to?



sigh.. sometimes i think i talk big.. but actions small..

was irritated when i was treated like a child who didn't know better.. not a very mature thing to do.. but a very ingrained mechanism of defence..

guess i was more angry with the fact that i'm irritated..

it's ironic to be a uni student and have no clue of wat is the education system is like here.. wat's left of 15 yrs of education is the vague memory of wat it was like when i was in pri sch, sec sch, jc and now uni.. almost oblivious to wat is going on in the education 'world'..

had a great time catching up on the education scene here.. moe website really have everything.. very easy to get lost in the myriad of info it contains.. can't seem to bring myself from leaving the website.. very comprehensive.. whether it is a look nice thing for ppl.. i don't know.. but... if i want to find out about wat education is like here.. it's one website i won't miss out..

haha.. i wonder if they'll pay me for the advert..


time to write my essay..

don't do or say things that you don't mean... it sounds very fake.. i rather that u don't say anything.. if u really want to care and understand.. you will take the effort to find out.. don't do the superficials.. cos it says very little of u..



haha.. a relatively vague post... maybe it's for a particular person.. maybe its for the rest out there that are guilty of it... who knows..

i'm playing with ur mind..


think only talked about it with body.. so.. for those who worry that i might be talking about u cos i misunderstood and don't dare ask me.. ask her.. hhahahhaa.. but i doubt friends i make will want to try to be fake with me..

wah.. just realised that it's really a test of determination if u want to know wat's on my mind.. haha.. cos.. firstly.. u must have enuf perseverance to find her.. secondly.. if u pass her filter and end up on the 'can tell' list.. then u are worthy of the ans that u want to find out.. oh.. and u have to factor in her blurness.. tough.. but well.. there's an easier route.. find me lor.. i'll tell u.. hehz.. your choice..

hor body, i always give choice one.. and even help lay out the pros and cons.. hahahhaaha..



i don't pick up fakeness that well.. not too sensitive to it.. but there are fakeness so stark that i cannot ignore..

if u have been fake with me and i don't know.. it's ok.. just don't let me know.. i'll be quite upset.. haha.. self denial, yes.. but a protection mechanism from jadedness and cynicism..

bazaar..

pre bazaar preparation was hectic.. rushing here and there to buy things.. trying to spend the right amount of money to be reimbursed..

it is no joke walking around the whole of clementi with five 2.8m long bamboo poles.. everyone was staring.. never knew canvas and emulsion paints can be so heavy.. well can't be compared to the 13 litres of paint i bought from art friend.. i almost had to lug that back home..

me and body wondered where all the guys in the society went... how come get 3 gals to carry a pile of heavy things back..

finally when we settled down to banner paint, it was super late at night.. and we had 4 banners to paint in 10hrs.. with only 6 ppl to paint them.. and we had to do stock taking.. demarcating of stalls.. and meeting vendors..

it was suppose to be 4ppl staying over to do all that.. but thank goodness body and amanda stayed over to help too.. and best friend too, who stayed as late as he could.. otherwise on bazaar day everyone will see 4 dead ppl lying on the walkway of as6..

the painting was fun.. alot of stupid comments floating about.. talking about disproportions of the gal on the banner and our efforts on 'righting' them.. and as usual.. everyone kenna paints here and there.. think the cleanest person is guan heng cos we force him to go and sleep.. otherwise the next day no one has the brain power to handle the bazaar..

think i too kia su... buy so much tidbits until we cannot finish.. and the cup noodles and all.. haha.. shall eat when i mug in sch..

bazaar day itself was.. how to say.. disasters occurred one after another.. but the day ended well.. everyone that was there the night before were all rushing about to make sure that things are ok and to settle all the hiccups that are occurring.. it was a miracle that we pulled thru first day with no sleep and all..

second day was also a heart attack day with more electricity trips.. wires burnt.. ants.. complains.. and osa.. but we managed and had fun shopping for presents for ppl who had helped alot..

the last day was more or less ok.. more shopping.. had good chats with the vendors.. they seem quite happy.. think shar got the most out of this bazaar.. haha.. she got herself a god mum.. thanks to me.. hahah..



wah.. long long post.. think LTC later.. anyway still sorting thots out..

alot of thots on LTC.. in the process of sorting out..




with no more genes classes and little activity left to do.. will be making med lib my permanent home.. any mugger to be want to join? haha

probably a clearer explanation of my unhappiness over last thu's incident..

it's not that ppl can't tease me.. or joke about me..

just that.. i do or don't do some things cos of my principle or that i have my reasons and choose to/not to do things.. so i don't appreciate it when ppl do things in my name..

u can do wat u want to do.. tease and joke.. just don't use my name to do things that i won't do..

well.. i know ur good intentions and don't mind u all having some fun over it.. so.. yar.. just don't use my name to do things k..

When You Believe
Many nights we prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understood

Now we are not afraid
Although we know theres much to fear
We were moving mountains
Long before we knew we could, whoa, yes

There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
Its hard to kill

Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe somehow you will
You will when you believe

In this time of fear
When prayer so often proves in vain
Hope seems like the summer bird
Too swiftly flown away

Yet now Im standing here
My hearts so full, I cant explain
Seeking faith and speakin words
I never thought Id say

There can be miracles
When you believe (When you believe)
Though hope is frail
Its hard to kill

Who knows what miracles
You can achieve (You can achieve)
When you believe somehow you will
You will when you believe

They don't always happen when you ask
And its easy to give in to your fears
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see the way, get through the rain
A small but still, resilient voice
Says hope is very near, oh

There can be miracles (Miracles)
When you believe (Boy, when you believe, yeah) [Though hope is frail]
Though hope is frail [Its hard]
Its hard to kill (Hard to kill)

Who knows what miracles
You can achieve (You can achieve)
When you believe somehow you will
Somehow you will
You will when you believe
[You will when you]
(You will when you believe)

[When you believe]
[When you believe]


The Extra Mile
Countless eyes are watching
In this our finest hour
It's time to realize the dream
Of who we really are
I'm gonna freeze this space in time
Rise to make the call
Cease the moment
Make it mine
And through it all

Straight as the arrow flies
I will run towards the finish line
With all the strength I've found
My feet won't touch the ground
I will scale the heights if I believe
The wings of faith will carry me
I'll go the distance just to reach
The arms I'm running to
I'll go the extra mile for you

I know it won't be easy
To make you understand
I want to take the glory
And put it in your hands
'Cause your the light that makes me shine
You're the hero in my eyes
Win or lose
Do or die

Straight as the arrow flies
I will run towards the finish line
With all the strength I've found
My feet won't touch the ground
I will scale the heights if I believe
The wings of faith will carry me

I'll go the distance just to reach
The arms I'm running to
I'll go the extra mile for you
(Go the extra mile)
In the end
(Go the extra mile)
I want to be able to say

Tell the world to see

I would do it all again
I'd go the extra mile

Straight as the arrow flies
I will run towards the finish line
With all the strength I've found
(All the strength I've found)
My feet won't touch the ground
I will scale the heights if I believe
The wings of faith will carry me
I'll go the distance just to reach
The arms I'm running to

I'll go the extra mile
For you

Knowing it will be worth while
I will go the extra mile
For you


didn't know that the extra mile was a pokemon sound track.. faint.. so spoil effect..

updates come later.. sleep come first..


anyway.. something to ponder on after going for briefing for LTC..

'choice does not mean i get to do whatever i want. it means, given the context that i am in, what choice can i choose to move towards my goals.'

so.. wat is ur goal? and wat choice do u think that u can make? or are u paralysed by the situation that you are in?

most ppl never stop to think that there are choices to be made in every single action that they take. (if u don't include reflex action and the theory that there is no free will)

yes.. context is set.. but.. u are not.. i think that's the beauty about being a thinking being.. the brain is powerful.. use it.. other ppl's brains are powerful.. use theirs.. no problem can't be solved.. unless u restrict urself or don't want to solve it..

i choose therefore i am?

usually.. ppl tend to just react to things/context/ppl that will trigger a response.. why not after the trigger, pause and choose... then give a response.. instead of reacting.. do things differently for a change.. u might end up with some outcome that u will never dare imagine..


another something from the briefing..

showing anger or excitement is a sign that a value or belief is in the process of changing.. or that it is being challenged/violated..

and i thot back the past months.. and... i realised i have been slowing changing and becoming someone that i not quite like or know.. sigh.. no good.. shall try to drop the animosity i feel.. complain less.. do wat i can do, not just wat i need to do.. my choice.. i guess.. this is wat i can be in control off and will not regret...

i never regret being put in situations that sucked but i will regret if i don't do something about it..

don't ask me why.. i do not know wat's behind the belief that i should/need to do.. maybe i'm just plain stubborn..

oh.. but... think my briefing gave me an ans that i find seems to ans my inability to sieve from my unconscious mind why i don't know why i do the things i do..

my trainer said..

belief is formed two ways.. repetition.. or.. emotional experience..

maybe mine's repetition?


still quite amazed that even though i was 1hr and 10mins late for the 2hr briefing, wat was being said in that 50mins can let me think about and reflect upon so many things.. i am lucky to have the chance to experience the LTC..

i'm a lucky gal who don't stike toto.. i strike gold.. and it's priceless.. i have a collection of lovely golden ppl and golden experiences..

ppl are always chasing after ideals..