wat am i running from?

today, my cousin asked me to scoop some soup for him..

f, who heard his request, turned to him and said.. you better get your own soup.. otherwise she might end up scoop until.....

he didn't finish, but... the words dripped with sarcasm..

it still hurts after all these years.. that he would still think that everything that i do is... inadequate.

the only two thing that he ever believed i was good at was... being hardworking.. and my ability to argue..


don't know since when he started becoming enemy of the state..

but i have seen, throughout the years.. ppl who have tried to accommodate his character for years until they lose themselves.. i have seen those who have decided that their attitude towards him needs to improve and he should be given a chance.. i have seen ppl who cater to his needs and whimps.. i have known ppl who hope to believe that wat they see is not who he really is, that deep down he is a nice and caring person.. but most of all.. i have seen the disappointment in ppl's eyes.. and the sadness in their voices..

i used to think the world of him.. but bit by bit, his actions made the magic fade.. and wat was left, was the ugly truth.. that ppl are not perfect and that he could never change who he is..

to him.. he is a wonderful person that ppl should be thankful to have in their lives, and that we should be grateful and appreciate him.. i wondered where he got this self image from.. for he never did asked us for our opinions.. nor i believe, did he care for the opinion of others.. he is always a person whom believe himself more than the experts, friends and family who he ever talked to.. i wonder it's confidence... or ignorance.. but definitely, it showed that he could not trust anyone else other than himself.. where this insecurity stemmed from, i still have no clue.. his suspicious nature is not easy to live with and much less to communicate with..

also, his inability to be honest and direct about wat he wants, drives me nuts.. i have never liked indirectness in my life.. it complicates simple matters and certain assumptions or traps and manipulation are always part of such indirectness.. if you know me, i never really liked being trapped or manipulated.. maybe these dislikes came from my multiple experiences of them throughout my life.. not only having to experience them but also i have to see them being done to ppl around me.. he's an honest man alright, the only thing not honest is when he is articulating wat he wants..

the only thing that he is direct about but which i always wish it was not the case, is that he so readily gives criticisms out to everyone regardless of ppl's good intentions.. regardless of the hardwork ppl put in... regardless of their emotions and thots.. maybe he think he's doing everyone a favor.. i just wonder how many can take it with a pinch of salt and not feel offended or insulted or hurt hearing them..

but these 3 things aside.. and maybe another bad habit aside.. he really is a quite ok person to live with.. hopefully one day he will be able to see that we are all doing our best to accommodate him and that he would have to do some adjustments to accommodate us..

maybe a cny 2012 hope for me..

sometimes i wonder if i am dumb... why till now i still don't understand censorship?

Touched by An Angel

We, unaccustomed to courage
exiles from delight
live coiled in shells of loneliness
until love leaves its high holy temple
and comes into our sight
to liberate us into life.

Love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure
ancient histories of pain.
Yet if we are bold,
love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls.

We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love's light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free.


Maya Angelou

once you have enjoyed companionship, solitude can never quite satisfy you.

maybe i was thinking abt you when i wrote this.. maybe sharon's right.. miss a good friendship.. i make new friends and renew old ones but no two friendship is ever the same..

Stop tying pay to performance

The evidence is overwhelming - it does not work

by Bruno Frey and Margit Osterloh

04:46 AM Jan 06, 2012

We have talked about this since the financial meltdown. Now it's time to do it: Unlink pay from performance.

The evidence keeps growing that pay for performance is ineffective. It also may induce executives to take company-killing risks. There are other ways to motivate employees that yield better results at lower cost.

Thanks mainly to provisions linked to performance, CEO compensation has skyrocketed in recent decades, while its correlation with actual corporate performance has remained as weak as ever. This has been most true in the United States, where among the Standard & Poor's 500 the ratio of average CEO pay to average employee salary went from about 40-to-1 in the '70s to 325-to-1 in 2010.

The ratio is not as extreme in most other countries but the trend is the same. Below the top level, mismatches between pay and performance are not so acute. But all variable-pay-for-performance schemes still suffer from four inescapable flaws:

1) In a modern economy, where new challenges emerge constantly, it is impossible to determine the tasks that will need to be done in the future precisely enough for variable pay for performance to work well.

2) People subject to variable pay for performance don't passively accept the criteria. They spend a lot of time and energy trying to manipulate the criteria in their favour, helped by the fact that they often know the specifics of their work better than their superiors do.

3) Variable pay for performance often leads employees to focus exclusively on areas covered by the criteria and neglect other important tasks. This is known as the "multiple-tasking" problem.

4) Variable pay for performance tends to crowd out intrinsic motivation and thus the joy of fulfilling work. Such motivation is of great importance to business, because it supports innovation and encourages beyond-the-ordinary contributions.

The idea that people work only for money has been thrown overboard by leading scholars. Research has shown that human beings are not interested solely in material gain.

They care for the well-being of other individuals and value recognition from co-workers. Many employees apply themselves because they find their work challenging and worthwhile. These non-material motivations point to better ways to get results from the members of an organisation.

One way is to select employees more carefully, hiring people who are truly interested in the work - not people whose primary goal is earning the highest pay.

Another approach is to pay fixed compensation but adjust it on the basis of a comprehensive evaluation of employees' work after some time. This avoids the multiple-tasking problem.

At the end of the year companies can also distribute part of their profits to employees according to their contribution to overall performance, rather than preset criteria.

Awards and recognition are effective motivators as well. Research suggests that effort increases among both the winners and other employees when awards are given out.

Variable pay for performance, while it may seem attractive in theory, creates more problems than it solves. There is no proof that it helps achieve its intended purposes, and other approaches not only work better but also strengthen employee loyalty.

© 2012 Harvard Business School Publishing Corp (Distributed by The New York Times Syndicate)



Bruno S Frey is the Distinguished Professor of Behavioural Science at the UK's Warwick Business School and a professor of economics at the University of Zurich. Margit Osterloh is a professor of management science at Warwick Business School.

my neighbour an uncle pointed out something to me today..

he happened to meet my bro and his gf when he was going home and my bro was on his way to send his gf home.. then he happen to meet me at the lift lobby as i was on my way home too..

and he said.. 2 left and 1 comes back.. the maths don't add up.. when are you going to get a bf?

i gave the typical answer saying that i was too busy to find one and he replied with a damn cute answer..

he replied... go post advertisment on the newspaper lar..

wahahhahaha... damn funny.. but i think the uncle was very paiseh and also scared i angry.. he kept saying he was joking after that.. lol.. cute..

i would like to know the answer to his qn too..

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ~Henri Nouwen

ppl say the most interesting things..

do i have so little faith?

i don't dare to answer the qn.

why am i so depressing? hah, wish i know the answer.

my blog and my outward persona is so... gemini. maybe i am both.

my actions are limited by my thots.

my thots are limiting my actions. time to change the way i think and do things. it's not conducive for me.

accountability is wat is left when responsibility is subtracted out.

so true..

maybe you were right? hahah.. quite unimaginable though..

no harm exploring this line of thot is there? hmm.. it might just end up being an experiment by itself to satisfy one's curiosity..

maybe it's all just unfair sampling.. i might need to even the odds.. but how?

think.. thinking..