change is here again.. and i am not adapting as quietly to it as i used to.. it seems like this company keeps bringing out different sides of me that i have never known..

this time round it's terrifying and exciting at the same time seeing how people react to this new side of me.. and also, to flex that muscle that i never knew i had, has been exhilarating.. i'm not sure if it is a "right way" to handle, but it's first time in my life that i find that i'm not just bending to the winds as they sweep into my life..  

to be able to see the wind as it is and finding a way to harness it's strength is totally something new.. and to be fearless in what lies ahead, opens up a lot of possibilities.. it is the first time that i am anticipating what will happen and actively taking steps to meet the challenges head on..

with it also came a lot of unidentifiable emotions that sprang up and i am still learning how to deal with them.. there is an underlying unhappiness/irritation that seems to spill on to my daily life.. there is also a brashness that accompany the way i talk which i do not appreciate.. and sometimes melancholy creeps in at the most random moments.. probably a result of the loss of my spontaneous and carefree nature.. probably cos sometimes i find myself a little too mercenary with the way i see and plan for things nowadays.. the pure desire to just give and service is lost.. for now.. i hope..

Drama after drama kept happening at the workplace. The dust is finally settling..

I'm glad that my road is getting brighter and clearer from now on.

Question of the day.. am I a dog or a cat?

I might have developed a minor addiction to using hp constantly...

I have been curbing my data usage since two days ago. The woes of having only 6gb of data avaliable. The curbing made me realise that I use my phone's game or apps to distract my mind quite often throughout the day. If find myself reaching for my phone every 5 to 10 mins if I'm idle on the train or doing nothing.

Have I turned into someone who is afraid to be alone with their own mind?

I have always, for the longest time, classified myself as a passive person. Throughout my childhood and all the way to adolescence, I've never had a goal or a dream that was created solely because I have a strong desire to achieve, it was all about what my parents wanted, or what was expected of me from the people around me. I've always been very adaptable to the situations that were thrown at me or with the restrictions that were imposed on me by my loved ones. I melded the best I could and I was comfortable doing so, sometimes even happy to be able to oblige. I have never fought hard for anything or anyone. I was never the one to rush ahead of the crowd, never the one to lead.. always the follower.

Putting those observations aside, for the past 8 to 10 years of my life, I have been doing my best to work myself out of this passiveness. Having armed myself with a better understanding of human behavior with my years as a Psychology undergrad and the pile of self improvement books that I have read, I refused to be stuck in the little box that labeled me as passive. I took steps, big and small steps.. even steps that led me backwards instead of forward. What I'm saying is that it took me effort to work towards being proactive, to not sit back and give people the wheels of my life. I won't say that I'm 100% proactive now, but there is definitely a huge difference then and now and I'm proud of it and of me for having come so far.

So, you could say that I was almost a hundred percent sure that I was "born" a passive personality and that I'm working against "nature" to nurture myself to becoming more proactive. Little did I know that a conversation with a friend would shake this almost unshakable belief. It started off as a random conversation about work and some observations about how passive or proactive some of our colleagues were and I got curious about how she would perceive me. We are relatively new colleagues that bonded at work and it always interests me to know how different people from different settings would perceive me based on what limited interactions they have with me. Hence, I popped her the question of "Do you think I'm a passive or a proactive person?" and as expected, she replied saying that she sees me as a proactive person. I've expected that answer partially because I know I might come off as a proactive person at work and I also believe that the person I am right now has moved quite far away from the passive end of the spectrum. I was explaining to her the reason that she sees me as a proactive person is that I am a passive person that works hard at being proactive on a daily basis. And her reply to me was " Have you ever thought it could be that you are born with a proactive personality but due to circumstances of your childhood became passive and believed you are so due to your retroactive introspection?" Well, she didn't say it in so many words but the gist of her question gave me a big pause and gave my brain a huge desire to rewind and re-code/map my actions and behaviors based on this new idea that she postulated.

My head is still spinning from it and as always.. it might take me a while to fully come to any conclusion..