it still hurts..

21 yrs of conditioning... the defence mechanism just kicks up.. the old hurt and the old pain... how to forget when it's so easily triggered... too deeply entrenched in the back of the mind..

don't think it's possible..

firstly.. i won't go and like wat my friend likes.. i don't advocate that everyone be diff.. similar is fine.. same is not very good.. that's why i hate shopping.. i always don't feel so happy to see someone wearing/carrying the same things as me.. no matter the person is prettier or not.. don't like clashing with ppl.. complex..

secondly.. i am a not a very proactive person.. i rather things fall into my lap rather than chasing after wat i want.. maybe i'm lazy.. maybe i too thinned skinned.. don't like to ask for wat i want.. if it comes it comes.. if i'm not meant to have it then i will not get it lar.. so.. in my mind.. nothing such as fighting for the things i want.. wanting and needing is diff.. i'll do things when it is needed.. but want is just something additional.. something that if i have, would be nice kind of thing.. so to me.. i'm pretty fine with having just wat i need.. and having wat i want is a bonus..

and hor.. not up to me lor.. not like i want will have.. sometimes things in life don't go the way we want them to go.. and wat we think we may want now may not be wat we need.. and wat we need may not be wat others need.. ppl want diff things.. not easy to even find two ppl who might want the same thing..



to clarify to SOME ppl.. perception does not equate to reality..

the s.h.e. concert was great.. alot of sing along.. loved the stage set up.. the gals were a funny bunch..

have to thank nanana for picking their new songs to sing during k-ing.. otherwise i would have been quite lost when they are singing them on stage..

didn't know sun yanzi was one of the special guests.. big surprise..

also.. a very interesting observation.. the no. of light sticks that stays in the air determines the popularity of the special guest.. u know they are not popular when ppl start going to the toilets.. or when the orignally high crowd that was standing from the start of the concert start keeping their light sticks and sitting down..

too much shouting for me.. almost went dumb from shouting and deaf from the music... the sound system sucks.. don't know why it always sucked..

after the concert.. mum and i had to get stuck in a jam that lasted for an 1hr.. we couldn't even get out of the car park in the first half an hr.. luckily, i was so tired that i fell asleep while waiting in the car..

waking up at 5.45am was hell.. been such a long time since i have woken up at that hr.. went to a pri sch to facilitate today for the benefit of those who didn't know..

haven't stepped into a pri sch for almost 4 or 5 yrs.. everything looks so small.. the tables.. the chairs... the kids.. they are so tiny.. so young.. and so innocent.. if u don't count those who ask weird qns about ur private life and keep shouting out their anatomy.. a blank sheet of paper waiting for the right person to fill in the colours..

almost forgot how was it like to listen to teachers preaching in the hall.. especially when they shout over the mike.. never fails to make me cringe every time.. and the threats that the teachers dish out.. wah.. trauma..

very sad to hear the teachers telling the kids as they are selected for this workshop cos they are special compared to the rest.. segregations start at such young age..

as always.. seeing who raise their hands first to ans qns is never fair.. too much reaction time error on the teachers' part..

a few mins into the workshop and i got reminded why i dislike 'teaching' in a pri sch.. the kids are a terror.. and yar very close to being monsters... hope i don't end up with kids like those.. now i understand wat body means.. damn scary.. little demons running around.. overly active for my old bones to handle.. and the screaming... gosh.. need ear plugs.. almost went death..

some pretty sweet moments when the kids behave and do as told.. some were angels that helped out and listened to instructions.. boys as always are very playful.. but it was much fun seeing them playing pranks and all..

conclusion of the day.. children need to be coerced into doing things.. nothing else works quite as well as that..



had the time to jot down these thots that were floating in my head.. so... yar.. one of the longer posts cos my thots didn't decay..

i did a world record. 1hr and 40mins..

hitching a ride in my aunt's car was much fun.. going in all the wrong directions and making wrong turns... reminds me of the time we went in search of our ice cream place late at night.. passing geylang and all..

think my mum and aunt can give me and body a run for the money.. damn funny when they bicker.. couldn't stop laughing.. laugh until tears came out.. and my aunt always sprout damn bimbotic statements.. well.. aunty bimbotic statement.. hahhaa.. imagine.. 'guys are handsome if they have teeth'... well... maybe that's very impt when one reach 50plus.. but it always never fail to make me laugh..

and they super smart.. after dropping me off.. they went in search of the place that they were suppose to go.. it took them 1hr to reach the place.. they found out that... the place was just 5mins walking distance from where they dropped me.. to sum it up.. they took 1hr to reach the place by car when it was just a 5mins walking distance.. ultimate way of getting lost and wandering about..

i'm afraid of the power i wield.. the ability to influence the mind..

i'm afraid of the power i give others.. the complete trust that is given willingly..

learning to manage and cope.. cope? seems too passive a word.. more towards doing wat i can.. and pray that i did right..

but then again.. i have no religion... so who do i pray to? an omniscient being that has no name..

clearing the mind of emotions.. bring in the logic and clarity..

been feeling too much and thinking too little..

emotions over running the mind for too long.. frustration.. irritation.. anger.. despair.. hurt.. to the pt it is impairing my ability to do things.. seems like when i'm stress i tend to let emotions run wild..

need to remember to breathe when stressed.. need to walk to clear the head.. probably like wat shar said.. i need to knock myself into the big bird.. once in awhile..

sometimes i don't know wat i seek..

finally.. some time to breathe.. a month passed by so quicky that i didn't know wat i had done..

wat have i accomplished this pass month or pass few months.. i'm not sure..

alot of thinking to do..

learning to let go and not to expect...

doing things the way i know..

time to put feelings aside and work..

professional, step by step, rule by rule.

i'll do wat i have to do..

anythingelse.. when i have time.. i just might help..

i need a break..

tired.. physically.. mentally..

hah... seems like this is all that i have been saying for the past few months..

run away and hide.. is wat i want to do.. to a place where i cannot be found.. where i have no responsibilities to shoulder.. to give myself a break from the whirlwind of things that has been going on..

guess this is a test of endurance.. i hope i have the mental strength.. that i will emerge from this a stronger person..

i've always believed that if ppl can do it so can i.. it's just about how much i want it and how hard i am willing to work for it.. the effort that i put in..


i need to recharge.. who wants to be my charger?

great.. i can't even sit at my living room table without being shoo-ed and shouted at...

best of all... i was ordered not to be angry.. talk about being a mcp..

“If having things turn out the way you wanted them to is a measure of success for life, then some would say I’m a failure. The important thing is, not be bitter over life’s disappointments. Learn to let go of the past… and recognize that everyday won’t be sunny. And when you find yourself lost in the darkness and despair, remember it’s only in the black of night that you can see the stars… and those stars will lead you back home. So don’t be afraid to make mistakes, stumble or fall, ‘cause most of the time, the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you will get everything you wished for. Maybe, you will get more than you could ever imagine. Who knows where life will take you. The road is long and in the end, the journey is the destination.”

being questioned by my brother on my attitude that i have for society stuff is not an easy thing to swallow.. he told me if i don't care/don't want to know about/don't go and find out details about projects that the society is doing, we will never achieve anything.. that we will flop at any event if this is going to be the kind of attitude that we have..

i wanted to say that i am, that taking care and finding out and being concerned about wat is going on is all that i have been doing.. that i have been giving my heart and soul into it... but i falter when i tried to get the words out.. i had given my 100%.. had tried.. had done wat i could... but.. recently i have been tired... and all i could do was to whine about why nothing's moving.. and that i'm too tired to do more... 'just wanting to get things over and done with' mentality starts to creep into my head..

i have also wanted to tell him that.. compared to the rest, i am doing alot already.. thinking/caring/helping more than the rest... but is more enuf? yes things are relative.. but.. i start to qn if i have given my best, given my all to make things work... it's not about wat is enuf, not about doing more than the rest but about being dedicated to wat i have chosen to do..

think i have been in a system that grades ppl in relative to how others perform for too long.. and forgotten one thing.. that it is about being the best one can be.. instead of being the best out of the rest...

i have a long way to go...

i'm tired of arguing with u.. it's not good for us.. we don't need this..

i don't know wat else to say to u.. i'm worried.. and u telling me to heck care.. really.. disheartens me..

i really don't know wat to do anymore..

frustration is in the air.. guess everyone's affected by it.. a little spark and it can cause an explosion..

i'm sorry if i've barked or bitten.. been in a mad rush these two weeks.. and in the process of finding order, neglected emotions of others..

and thank those who stand by this person who had a 'danger, keep clear' sign hanging from her neck..


one more thing.. i'll never sacrifice u for anything in this world... well.. erm.. haha.. at least not for something that seems to be not able to look like anything other than shambles.. i love u too much to trade u for that ;)

haha.. oops.. open declaration of love... =p

been very busy the past week or so... been sleeping late too... no wonder i feel so tired everyday... first week of sch.. and i'm already like that... i wonder how i last thru the sem..

things though are not ideal but are improving.. just glad that things are moving.. it is never too late to realise and change..

i hate compiling things... they are in a mess... nothing seems to flow..

don't ppl know wat is called 'do not assume. not clear, ask.'

how many ppl can see thru the face that's smiling and find out the pain and suffering that the person is going thru..

tired.. not in a good mood..