just realise that i have a fear of disapproval..

"What if it arises from associations of previous uncomfortable experiences that are triggered from the mother’s request e.g. – shame – other’s disapproval – self-doubt – potential conflict – argument and bad atmosphere.

What if it has nothing to do with the current request but re-lived emotions and discomfort from previous times?"

maybe..

have i been childish? i believe i'm merely being cold hearted.

sigh. tired.

when my leaving colleague's only request of me was to see me in a skirt/dress on her last day at work..

i believe i need to do some self reflection... lol..

and i negotiated a wedding invitation from her in m'sia if i am willing to wear a skirt/dress to her wedding..

gosh i will miss her..

i guess it's a good thing that i have learnt in these past few years to miss ppl.. it's sad and nice at the same time.. interesting experience..

i wish you all the best sook yee.. may you have the life that you want (minus the coffee).. hahaha..

silly girl.. wat are you thinking of?

some snippets of conversations in Touched by an Angel..

"you'll be surprised by the baggage that ppl carry with them, especially the ones you can't see. half the time it's filled with the past, and looking inside can be the most frightening thing that a person ever does."

always surprised.. and i do quite a bit of the looking as well..

"he didn't say it was gonna be easy, but he says it's surely gonna worthwhile"

life is never easy but i believe it's worthwhile..

"going from love to hate is easy but going from hate to love is hard"

ppl say it's a fine line between love and hate.. but i think they should remember the line above as well..

"the world is full of ppl who don't want to get involved， that's how trash like this can happen"
"evil thrives when good man do nothing"

so true..

"there is always gonna be another job but there's never gonna be another daughter"

ocassionally, we forget the important things in life.. i guess it sums it up.. ppl whom we love are more impt than the other things in life..

"you said: i'm never gonna let anybody hurt me anymore, i'm going to be strong, i just won't feel anything and they are never gonna see me cry"

i tell that to myself quite often sometimes.. but yes.. i think feeling is something i need to do.. to let it out.. and let it go..

"yes, she has to learn to understand wat you are feeling but you have to try to understand wat she needs as well. the day comes in every daughter's life when she sees her mother not as her mother but as another woman with a heart that can be broken."

sometimes i forget that.. sorry my dear loveliest mother..

"i don't know wat i'm doing here.. i just hurt so bad that i had to do something. i want to make her hurt as much as i did"
"and you've succeeded but do you feel any better now?"
"no"
"bad things are always going to happen in this life and people will hurt you. but you can't use that as an excuse to fail or to hurt someone in return becos you'll just hurt urself."

sometimes i wish to retaliate as well.. but yes.. we are the ones that end up getting hurt in the process.

"forget wat he said, wat did you hear?"

sometimes we need to get pass our own emotions that were stirred up by wat ppl said, only then, can we truly hear wat they are trying to tell us.


"when you try to hide wat's underneath, you'll just end up miserable."

i like mine straight ahead, honest and no camouflage too.

"but she doesn't want any help"
"then it's up to you to help her want it"

easier said than done.. sigh..

"i will forgive you. not today, but some day."

wise choice.. am i that wise?

"is anything ever an accident?"

i don't really believe in the fate stuff, but i believe that everything happens for a reason..

"that's right, it has got to be her choice.. something tells me that she doesn't think she's got a choice.."

sometimes we are so blinded by the situations that occur till we believe that we do not have a choice in the matter.. that's why i always try to remind myself that, in life, we always have a choice..

"you have the right to be less than perfect.."

i wish more ppl could have told me that.. and i would like to think that one day i would believe that statement with my whole heart..

"forgiveness won't change him, but it will change you.."

hmm.. still learning..

maybe i'm a busybody.

a person who always looks strong, smart and independent misleads ppl to think that he does not need care, concern and help...

even when he opens his mouth and asks for them, no one seems to see it as a cry for help. to them, it's unimaginable, hence they see it as a joke that he cracked.. but in his heart, he is very sad and disappointed. not understanding why the rest don't seem to see that he needed them.. they missed the opportunity to be there for him. and he, in turn, wonders about wat he had done to end up with such results.

has he been wrong all this while? should one not be a person who causes no worry, who can depend on himself to be sufficient and happy? should he change?

we all need to learn to let go...

maybe it's time for you to..

wat does it tell u when someone loss u twice on fb?

it seems i always let ppl lead me to wherever they wish for me to go..

do i not have my own opinion? do i not know where to go?

wat do u do to ppl who write u off as a friend?

nothing. for they are not worth your effort.

good thing i have wonderful friends around me.. hugz to everyone.

i really want to study something.

how to gain work life balance?

why are we always rushing from one thing to the next?

i'm overly concerned.

despite my grumbling... it had been a fruitful trip.. and i have to say, my mum's colleague is a very insightful person..

'you seem very cool.. i mean calm and collected, totally not worried. u are not a passionate person, nothing excites you much.'

'you are a very independent person, you don't like to trouble anyone.'

yar.. i guess that sums it up.. lol..

i'm so readable..

i don't understand why ppl go on holidays... i feel more exhausted than i was before i went for my hols.. my mountain of work has grown even higher.. and i feel sleepier than before cos i sleep even less during my hols..

one good thing about hols is that.. my quality of sleep is much better than ones i sleep in my own bed..

on another note... my tummy has grown alot thanks to the 4 meals a day that i have been eating for the past 5 days in hk.. it's time to do something about it..

are we limited by our thots or is there a real limitation as to wat we can do and achieve?

i always have this qn at the back of my mind... occasionally i take it out to just play with it... most of the time, i believe that nothing is impossible as long as you set your mind to do it.. at times... especially during the times when i feel like a unfit salmon swimming upstream, i start to wonder..

these few months have been trying.. i have never been a very confident person my whole life.. i have had been picking up the shreds of my self esteem thru out the years.. trying to piece them back together after encounters with my parents and my overcritical self.. most of the time i'm quite successful at it... just on some occasions, self doubt creeps in.. and these few months have been one of those days..

will i ever be as good as how you had envisioned me to be? will i ever be comfortable and happy with who i am?

i hope so..

i really don't want to break.. and i really don't want to fall..

but is fear my only motivation?

haha, i think i finally understand how much confusion ppl speaking different languages can have with one another..

super confused. hmm.. but with trust and the willingness to talk things thru.. nothing is unsolvable..

until the next misunderstanding~!

is GG getting any lamer? revealing a fake GG is like faking an O. and it's so not cool..

really nothing to write ah?

personally, awaiting the day they reveal the real GG. i want to see how they can pull it off. i doubt it is possible at all.

it's really funny when you realise that the people whom you try to forget are never far from your mind.. and your memories of them are even clearer than before..

i need to go for a walk and think about my life.. it's time to do some mental spring cleaning before my compartments collapse on me..

was reading thru my posts in july 2008, seems like i have forgotten who were the people and the incidents that i have encountered then..

i have really become quite forgetful lately. shocking but yes.. no recollection of certain memories that i am suppose to have and no inkling of the things that i should have remembered. how old does one need to be to get dementia?

fear of ending up with dementia aside.. it also seems very apparent to me that i have along the way forgotten how to live a simple carefree life and forgotten how to let things go..

i have also no clue as to how i've picked up the habit of becoming oversensitive to ppl's mood and behavioral changes..

must learn to be oblivious all over again. it's not good to care too much when u can't do anything about it.

must also learn to not burden ppl with my complains and concerns.

must be proactive in solving things that plague my mind.