Today sucked.

clarity and truth...

lol.. world peace..

Sometimes people need to think about their motive when they talk to people.. If ur objective is to share care and concern or even encouragement... don't suddenly change the conversation into teaching or reprimanding one halfway..

I don't need to know how much I fail to meet ur high expectations.. your need for me to have the most positive of mindset, to be traditional and subservient in the face of authority or even to rise above the unjust situation..

What I need is a listening ear and a sympathetic pat on the back.. what I need is for you to understand my frustrations with the situation.. and be okay with my reactions becos I'm human and I am not perfect.. I am not an enlightened being that can rise above all kinds of situations.. I should be entitled the time to think.. to evaluate.. to navigate a new situation..

And I would love to be trusted to be able to eventually rise above.. to know that in ur mind and heart that you believe that I have the right mindset to get me past this and make the right decisions and choices..

So please stop criticising my behaviour and stop your need to preach or rush me to be a better person.. I don't need it.. I can live with one less criticism or one less harsh judgement on my character..

I will get there on my own time.. at least I believe I will.. even if I'm the only one who does..

a great lesson in leadership..

"It’s because they believed in me. Believed that I knew them well enough, and believed in them enough. To tell them how, and when to use their brains. I’m talking about people like you. That kind of belief, you have to earn it. And you cannot earn it in a day. You want someone to run a 4 minute mile? You don’t chase them. You don’t give them something to run from. You give them something to run to. " - Richard Webber, Grey's Anatomy

a good summary as to the kind of person we should find.. never sell urself short and settle for less..

"After all, what makes a good partner? Someone who trusts you, supports you, who pushes you to be better; someone who pulls you back from the edge and reminds you of who you are when you're in danger of losing sight of it. Someone who doesn't judge you from your past mistakes but loves you in spite of them; someone who has faith in you, who reminds you every day that the world is a better place with you in it and who doesn't give up on you when you mess up but instead encourages you to try again."

Home - Aron Wright

I have seen all I care to see Of this world it has no more for me I need the call for giving peace That only comes from my family I wanna go home I wanna go home I'm following the lead of the setting sun And I'm going back where I came from Like a old old tree, that no longer grows As time went by I got hollow If you don't know when to stay If you don't know when to go Then you might be building your own gallows I wanna go home I wanna go home I'm following the lead of the setting sun And I'm going back where I came from Mama is on the front porch waving for me My father got his hands fixing something My brother says that he just got to see my face It's why I'm going on home I going home I'm following the lead of the setting sun And I'm going back where I came from It's why I'm going home I'm going home I'm following the lead of the setting sun And I'm going back where I came from And I'm going back where I came from.

new job.. new wardrobe.. new environment.. new colleagues.. new culture.. new bosses..

feel well rested to take on the challenges ahead!

i've been missing you a lot this past yr.. ever since we started to sporadic chat and decide to be less like strangers.. i guess it's worse knowing that technically i could now chat with you but yet not chatting with you.. cos it had been a long time and i have no idea how to get us back to the time when conversations were random and easy, deep and meaningful, fun and light..

i guess that's why i missed you more this past yr than when i know there could be no way for us to hold any sort of conversation.. hope is a horrible emotion to feel.. it makes you want things that you have no idea how to get..

i seem to revisit the compartment that i had placed you in all these years more often recently.. i guess to me, you were a catalyst for change in my life, you gave me a sense of clarity that i could never get when i'm trying to sort out my own thots, you gave me hints of how to find my own way, you made me feel understood and not alone..

and i guess that's why i missed our friendship more this past yr.. cos if i were to summarize this past yr into one word.. it would be LOST.

it's not really about missing you just cos i believe you are probably the only person that i know of who could help me out of this fog that my mind is in.. it's missing the interactions that we used to have.. the thots that we share that sometimes spur us to think in other ways that we have not considered before.. the bimbo-ness and the lame ass jokes that crack us up until we are breathing like two people who just had an asthma attack.. the mutual commiseration over encountering things/people that make our blood boil and question our sanity..

i miss having someone who can read me like a book.. who appreciates me for who i am and what i can give.. who be there and offer support and protection when i don't even know i needed them..

had a wonderful day at manda's yesterday.. met up with ex-psych soc ppl.. nostalgic.. brought back the fun filled memories for me.. it wasn't just the fun and the laughter.. but also the sharing of the minds.. appreciate everyone's thots and feedback on my sharing of starting a biz..  it made me miss working with you guys on society projects..

it was not easy to find and build a team of dedicated people who are very motivated to plan and execute events.. all the blood, sweat and tears we put in.. an honour indeed to have worked amongst you guys..

my craving for junk food has been satisfied.. finally.. now i can move on.. hopefully it will be another half a yr or so before i will crave it again.. min three mths!

i'm left with the chocolate craving and the cake craving.. hmm.. maybe johan paris will continue to carry their delicious choc muffin!

today has been a good day..

i woke up refreshed from a good nite's rest..

i got myself some exercise..

looked at some temp jobs..

updated my resume..

applied for a couple of jobs..

squeezed some fanfic and american drama into the mix and all the while not losing myself in them..


one step at a time.. one foot in front of the other.. 1% improvement a day..

writing has always been cathartic for me.. i'm grateful for it.. it pulls out all the floating thots from my mind and lets my mind rest..even if it is a little while..

apparently milo powder goes very well with overly sweetened ice cream.. should have done it 3/4 tub ago.. lol

i have a sudden weird craving for junk food... chocolate.. cake.. pizza... burger.. fries.. -_-"

this is crazy.. i don't usually have cravings!!

"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough" - frank crane

It so perfectly summarises my thots about trusting ppl

"But the truth is: you don’t know how you’ll react to your worst case scenario. None of us do. Not until it happens." 
- Grey's Anatomy

OMG.. i can write the mer-logue for GA! i was just explaining something similar to someone in a convo a few days ago (before the above quote came out) about how we can never truly know how we will respond to the horrible things that happen in life and the only way we can find out is only after we have experienced it.. so even though the ppl around us may promise or believe that they can be there with u thru thick and thin.. despite their best intentions and beliefs, no one is 100% sure it will be the case..

my mum is a hoarder!! but i guess the best kind.. cos she hoards money.. LOL

i have been having a weird obsession with grey's anatomy.. it's one of those shows that turns me into a flowering pot and sink into a deep dark place.. it also makes me laugh out loud and whack the table saying "seriously?!"

i was watching rewatching s1e4 and the flowering pot came on..

y?

it was one of the first emotional scenes of dr cristina yang.. she was a first yr intern who was a type A, straight shooter, sharp tongued, only care about gaining experience, cut herself from the emotional world kind of doc (with a twisted sense of humor, of course, she is not that horrid, lol)..

she went to prepare for rounds an hr earlier than the other interns in hope to get the best case that would have gotten her the most likelihood of a surgery experience.. experience that all the interns are fighting to gain.. she thot that she has gotten herself the best deal, a whipple surgery, as the patient was having pancreatic cancer and looks to be in need of a surgery..

little did she know that the patient was a long serving, well respected scrub nurse at the hospital that she is working in who saw thru all her intern tricks of trying to get a whipple surgery under her belt.. after much hard work of doing tests, chasing for results and hounding the attending doc for the date and timing of the surgery.. cristina finally realized and came to the conclusion that the patient was here to live out her last dying moments at the hospital that the patient loves and spent her whole life dedicated to..

the interesting part was that instead of going into a hissy fit for the lost of her precious time spent on the patient for the past 2 days.. and despite her sarcasm about wasting good hospital beds on a dying patient.. she held the patient's hand when the patient had her last dying breathe and tried to resuscitate the patient even though there were explicit orders not to.. cristina was in a state of shock and didn't/couldn't stop trying to save the patient.. it was only when the attending doc physically forced her to step aside and told her to let the patient go down, did she manage to do so..

finally, when the patient's heartbeat flatlined, the attending gave cristina the chance to call time of death for her first time.. ~ and this music 'where does the good go' started playing and continued playing thru till the finale scene of this episode..~  she called time of death and went to the stairwells and we could see that she was trying to hold every emotion.. the attending doc went after her, knowing what she was experiencing and gently told her to let the patient go.. that they have to let the patient go.. and you could see cristina's emotions flooding out..

but yes, after such a long description, i had yet to explain the trigger of my flowering pot moment.. reason for it was.. quite a few..

1. it was the first patient that cristina lost and had to learn to let go

2. i felt it was the first time she truly became a doc in my eyes and opened up the possibility of her being a compassionate doc that she could be.. and it was the doc that she did became 10 yrs down the road in season 10.. one who is not an emotionless robotic super doc but a compassionate, nurturing and talented doc..

3. the song was the actual trigger as it was also the song that cristina and her long time best friend/work buddy/her person dance to when she sends cristina off to a faraway country in the last episode of season 10.. and one of the last wonderful and beautiful scene that the actress sandra oh (who portrayed cristina yang) was in before she finally left the show.. it was also a reminder to cristina that she has to let go.. of her past.. of her friends.. and leave.. and we as the audience has to let her go.. and that was the exact same experience that cristina has gone thru and learnt in s1e4..

shout out to sandra oh.. i miss her in grey's.. and she is a super talented actress who created and showed depth in her character..

also a shout out to shonda rhimes who created the charater cristina yang.. and opened our eyes to the kind of journey and transformation that a character could make in their "lives" and let us dream that it is possible for us as well..

random thot: maybe all the yeos should watch some grey's to learn this lesson

"Where Does The Good Go" - Tegan and Sara

Where do you go with your broken heart in tow
What do you do with the left over you
And how do you know, when to let go
Where does the good go, where does the good go
Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive
Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go
Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love
Look me in the heart and unbreak broken, it won't happen
It's love that leaves and breaks the seal of always thinking you would be
Real, happy and healthy, strong and calm, where does the good go
Where does the good go
Where do you go when you're in love and the world knows
How do you live so happily while I am sad and broken down
What do you say it's up for grabs now that you're on your way down
Where does the good go, where does the good go

if you have 3 months of free time, what would you do?

learn a new language?
pick up a new hobby?
travel the world?
gain a skill?
make new friends?
volunteer?
read up on things you are interested in but never seem to have time to do?

i seem to have failed myself some how.. for i have wasted away 3 months of my life..

a sense of lethargy has enveloped me.. a feeling of emptiness that is consuming me..

i don't feel like doing much except the bare minimal.. and i can't seem to want to do anything.. things that i know i should and things that i know i must..