the expected.. or not?

ok.. i had the worst paper of my life today.. well technically it wasn't the worst if i count tests and everything but it is a first worst amongst my many uni final exams that i have taken.

i thought that this whould be a good sem, starting afresh and all.. i spent more effort, though still not up to the standard that i would label myself as not wasting precious time and that i had worked hard.. but better than last sem. put in alittle more thought and work.

the paper wasn't hard, i think.. with more practice and confidence in doing the stats questions i would have easily scored. haha, but that on the hindsight..

however, there is one thing that i can confirm, the stats teacher sucked, or at least his notes and the textbook that he asked us to buy sucked. not that i am bias against him due to his gay-ish gestures though ;p



anyway, it was a relief to be left with one last paper.. but think i have to work hard on this if i want to pull my cannot make it grades up..

so..... it would be a miracle if i can get a 'c' for that horrendous paper/horrendously answered paper that i took this morning. and i must be dreaming if i can get avg 'b' grade for this sem.



had a fun time planning the modules for coming sem.. think it is so cool to have all the freedom to pick and choose the things that i want to study.

alittle sad case when i think that this is the only thing that i can do that gives me the most sense of freedom.. sigh..

well, pushing that thought aside, really very happy and excited about the modules that i have picked for next sem! must do my best to bid for them and get all of them. i think i will, have this intuition that lady luck is shining on me =)


so tired.. very in need of some good rest..

sigh... still half hearted in doing my last minute studying for the exams.. don't know why but everytime when it comes to this period, i seem to stop, stop moving forward...

inertia, procrastination.. watever it is called... i just don't get it..

and i feel sick about myself.. grossed out that i hadn't been doing any reading for the whole sem and now, here i am trying to make it pass the exams and hoping that i won't screw it up too badly.

this is wrong. i know it. but still, sem after sem i am making the same mistake.

i don't like it. and i want it to stop.. but i don't seem to be like doing anything about it.

there are alot of thing that i need to think through.. otherwise, i'll be doing the same thing again next sem..

i want to find some place that i can be alone with myself to think. about wat i am doing now, wat do i want, how i want to go on with my life. need to commit myself to something and folow through with it. not just thinking about it when i feel stressed and lost..

where will that be?

comments on previous entry

didn't know wat made me wrote so much.. had just wanted to blog about someone that was on my mind... guess the deeper implications just came out when i started blogging..

anyway, sometime i think too much. and the 'too much' here is not measured by volume or time consumed by thought, but by the ratio of the actions i took after having those thought. which are far lesser that wat i think.


there are many possibilities in this world. but they will remain as possibilities unless you take action upon them and change them into reality. -by me



the cool breeze of the night calms me,
but makes me yearn for something more..
my heart is hollow, waiting to be filled..
will someone come and claim this lost soul
and guide it back to the light?

alright.. since i can't stop dwelling on it, i shall just write it down to get it out of my system..

don't know why.. sometimes i just like to think of things that are not possible. like to play them in my head, with my own script..

it's kind of like living in my own world where everything goes where i want them to go and wat i want them to do. but i know that it's not real.

it is just that i feel like i always do this to make my life more interesting, cos my life and the past twenty years sure are not as colourful as wat i would and could have imagined it to be.

i am never the favourite, the popular, the smartest, the talented, the most attractive, nor am i the most hated, the naughtiest, haughty, evil, destroyer, prankster. i am bland. as bland as water can be. and my life was too.

how i wish my life was exciting, extraordinary.. i don't mind that it may suck like hell or there are many ups and downs in my life. some may think that i am naive, or even dumb maybe. but i don't care. at least i would have had some experiences that will be deeply imprinted in my memory, giving me guidance, shaping and defining me.

i don't want to introduce myself as some girl who is nice, had an education till university, will be working in the future. someone with a two responsible parents and a younger brother, some friends that she had made throughout her school years. something that maybe a few million people might have used when they were describing themselves.

i want to be different, to be unique, maybe even special. but i don't think that i am even close to it.

i want to live, not just be someone that is just breathing and present in this world.

i want to make an impact on ppl's lives, i want to make an impact on my own.

maybe i already had, but i didn't know..


wat would it be like if i can read minds? a question i like to ponder on often. for human beings are too complex a species to understand by just looking at how they behave and wat they say. most of the time, wat they think is very much different from wat they do or say.

it would be nice if someday, before we die, we can get to see a repeat telecast of wat we have done this lifetime.. to evaluate, to rejoice, to regret or even just to understand wat we have gone through from a third person's perspective..

time flies by too quickly for us to fully grasp the meaning on wat has happened in our life.

the ppl that i have met, those that i remember and some that i had forgotten. the person that i was like, how i have grown and change, or didn't change. who and wat shaped me. have i done good enough, or could i have done more. all these i am very interested to know.. a video of my life

twenty years had passed so quickly.. and very soon, i'll be gone from this world. without a trace.

how long will i live? i am not sure, but i want to mak the best out of it. i don't want to leave without putting up a good fight, to leave a mark on this earth

conflicts in the family is the most devastating disaster one can ever encounter

not right

think i have been down and out recently.

haha, actually the above statement doesn't stand if were to spend some time thinking about the happy and fulfiling things that i had done during the past few days or weeks.

but now.. i just don't.. i just want to wallow in self pity and just... die? haha, no never 'die'. cos life's just too precious for me to waste it like that. not saying that i don't waste my time on frivolous stuff though.

not feeling the calmness that usually comes when the sky is dark and all is quiet. too heavy, my heart is. maybe katrina swept through it too.

hip hop in the backgroud but it doesn't hype me up. to me, it is just another sound in the background, a sound to break the quietness of the night. to lessen the knowledge that there is no calmness.

no quiet, no calmness.. how self deceiving can i be?

i feel trapped. trapped in these 4 walls, marble floor and low ceiling, a grilled window, a concrete city..

i longed to find a place where i can lift my head and see the stars, look ahead and see the horizon so definite, turn around and see the wonders of nature... thought there may be loathsome bugs crawling or flying around. eek. but in nature's beauty, i think i can push the thoughts of the bugs to the back of my head.

i've always thoght that i had either been born in the wrong era or the wrong country. nothing seems to fit wat i've wanted, wat's in my head.

i adapt. i do. but it never seems right.. maybe i want too much.. maybe i should stop living in my head and start living in the real world. then i wouldn't have to compare, to expect, to dislike..

is it wrong to live in the world where all is good and nice, is it wrong to be happy?


tears, all too much.
pls, stop it flowing
i beg you.