not right

think i have been down and out recently.

haha, actually the above statement doesn't stand if were to spend some time thinking about the happy and fulfiling things that i had done during the past few days or weeks.

but now.. i just don't.. i just want to wallow in self pity and just... die? haha, no never 'die'. cos life's just too precious for me to waste it like that. not saying that i don't waste my time on frivolous stuff though.

not feeling the calmness that usually comes when the sky is dark and all is quiet. too heavy, my heart is. maybe katrina swept through it too.

hip hop in the backgroud but it doesn't hype me up. to me, it is just another sound in the background, a sound to break the quietness of the night. to lessen the knowledge that there is no calmness.

no quiet, no calmness.. how self deceiving can i be?

i feel trapped. trapped in these 4 walls, marble floor and low ceiling, a grilled window, a concrete city..

i longed to find a place where i can lift my head and see the stars, look ahead and see the horizon so definite, turn around and see the wonders of nature... thought there may be loathsome bugs crawling or flying around. eek. but in nature's beauty, i think i can push the thoughts of the bugs to the back of my head.

i've always thoght that i had either been born in the wrong era or the wrong country. nothing seems to fit wat i've wanted, wat's in my head.

i adapt. i do. but it never seems right.. maybe i want too much.. maybe i should stop living in my head and start living in the real world. then i wouldn't have to compare, to expect, to dislike..

is it wrong to live in the world where all is good and nice, is it wrong to be happy?


tears, all too much.
pls, stop it flowing
i beg you.