an incident

woke up this morning with a start.

my dad came in and told me something happened to ma. didn't know whether it was the grogginess that i felt from waking up so suddenly and early in the morning or that my dad did not articulate the situation well enuf for me to comprehend, but he sounded as if something akin to the sky falling down happened to ma. so i jumped out of bed and ran to the kitchen in time to see my mum puking into a small pail.

all i could say was that i was relieved.


oh, and i have decided to add another not very nice trait to my dad's list again.

after the above episode, he practically yelled at me when he couldn't find his handphone in his rush to fetch ma to see the doctor. he also made a very irrational suggestion, that i should accompany them to see the doctor and he'll fetch me to school from there when (1) it was almost 7.30am, with me having a class at 9am, (2) i accompanied ma downstairs in sleeping clothes, (3) i have not brushed my teeth, washed my face and bathe, (4) my school bag is still upstairs and (5) i have not packed for school yet.

conclusion is that he cannot handle sudden events or situations.

yes i know that he is very concerned about ma, but sometimes, there is a need to be calm and collected when critical situations occur.


anyway, the above episode got me thinking.

i was wondering, while on my way to school, wat if something really bad did happen to my ma and that she had died after the morning's episode. i realised that, if she have died, i would have been so devastated. yes, devastated is the word that i will describe myself if something had happened to her. thinking about that possiblity even brought tears into my eyes. i've always wondered if i can feel so strongly, my mum wondered too, she sometimes says that i probably could even be cold blooded enuf to feel happy during her funeral when she dies. well, now we know that will not happen i guess and i have finally shown that i could be as warm blooded as anyone. not that i want to prove this point though. i guess that i just have not realised how much i care for the things/people that are around in my life. maybe i have buried my feelings so deeply that even i forgot about it.

i don't know how it started but this is where it ends. now, stop burying and start digging, hoping someday that my feelings will flow freely again. in abundance or maybe not over.


and to mum, though i don't say it out loud, i do love you and cherish you. you are my bestest friend and i'm glad that u are my mother, cos i would not have wanted another.