Why do I always prepare myself for rejection? And always think that good things will come to an end? I fear that they do.. but it seems like as if this act of fearing brings me closer to wat I fear.. so wat do I do? Feel more secure to rid the fear so that wat I fear will happen won’t happen? How do I do that?

Waiting to see wat will happen next is always so painful to do.. no sense of control.. feels as if waiting for death sentence.. but.. another qn. Will I truly die? Maybe sad for awhile.. maybe.. will i'll end up fine? I have no idea.. but it will definitely not be the same again… sigh..

Starting to doubt whether I’m a nice/good person to hang around with.. all the insecurities.. all my irritations seem to come out with stress and the feeling of inability to do things that I see needs to be done.. I think I’m following someone’s footsteps.. the old and cranky senior..

Plunging into camp felt like I’m finally free from the moaning and gloom that I don’t know wat to do with my life.. it gave me a sense of direction and motivation.. plunging into comm… I end up degenerating in to a ball of mess.. full of actions and reactions.. where did the thinking go to.. I wonder.. have I done anything that I can be proud of? I’m afraid to ans that qn.. but I know being like a porcupine for the past yr is not easy on the ppl who cares for me.. can I make up for wat I did or did not do to/for them? I don’t know.. I hope I can.. someone show me the way.. the little lost gal here just want to find her way back home..

I know that some things are irreversible.. I just want make things right.. the child in me hopes that everything will be good and fine again..