a mad rush to the finishing line.. or maybe.. to the starting line..

a whirlwind of activities.. and more to come!!

hang in there!!!!

i want sleep..

you are the most hateful person on this earth..

but u will never know that cos u think u are so perfect..

i don't want to grow up to be like u..

it's very interesting to see from an outsider's view pt of ppl doing the things that i have done before.. it gives me more perspective of what i have gained from those experiences and the things that i have taken for granted of..

i've come to realise that every step or action taken in the process of planning, preparation and execution of an event is very impt.. even the smallest and seemingly most insignificant ones.. a step that was overlooked or deemed unimpt can cause the whole plan to go off course.. there needs to be coherence in everything that is to be done and awareness that effects ripple.. preempting and playing out the diff possible ripple effects of an action is very impt.. learning not to freak out when things look doomed is uttermost impt.. haha

damn.. i'm going to turn into a cheryl nott.. not that she's not good.. she is very zai.. but scary~..

and i can now see how much i have grown from then.. in skills, knowledge and ability.. i've changed quite alot too.. some good some bad.. hmm.. must learn to be less overbearing and listen to others more when they talk.. to be a supporting role and learn from each and every one.. abilities which i seem to have lost over this past year..

oh yes.. no idea when i've picked up the bad habit of not being able to let go.. i need to know that as long as i've done my best to inform and beg ppl to use my helpline service, i have done my part.. and be able to accept that things will not be as wat i hoped and that i cannot control the situation as i like.. for i'm no longer part of that situation.. letting go and letting things flow.. thing may not be as bad as it seems..

'being able to accept watever outcome with a peaceful mind' is wat i have to learn to attain..

well..

i had a nice start today.. yes~.. thanks to shar and her cheap thrill...

and a nice end for today.. with an unexpected smooth flowing convo with the family which did not end in an argument.. and a quick and fun buying trip before the stores in imm close..

should i ask for more?

maybe wat happened in between shouldn't matter and i should just be thankful for wat happy moments i had..

learning to appreciate no matter wat situation i'm given..

I used to be able to trust people so easily, to believe that people deserve second chances and that they have the ability or the potential as long as someone is willing to give them that chance.. I believed that miracles can happen.. that ppl can change.. that things will always turn for the better..

Funny thing how these thots disappeared in less than a year.. amazing how some ppl and events can have so much power to do that.. and you are right.. I’ve become so jaded that even I feel scary that I am so much so.. I’m tired.. nothing’s helping..

But I believe it’s a phase.. I just need to work it out.. I need to find my inner strength.. to find back my believe.. I need to find my motivation.. it’s my battle that I must fight.. or maybe not a battle but something I have to seek within myself.. I don’t want it to come from outside cos once that’s gone, I’ll lose energy again.. I need to find it from within.. my own drive..

It’s not that hard.. it’s already there.. just that whether I want to rid myself of that bitter taste that they have failed me time and time again.. well.. my pettiness usually don’t last too long.. it’s still there cos I don’t want to let it go.. childish I guess.. maybe to me, it’s a revenge of sorts.. perverse way of dealing with the current situation.. to make me feel at ease with myself without having to literally kill ppl and get myself into prison for that..

Ah well.. it’s time to let go.. I have to do wat I have to do.. emotionally, logically and practicality-wise it makes the most sense.. I’d be stupid not to take that route.. and yes.. I might just regret it someday if I chose not to do it.. I’m not into reducing cognitive dissonances for wat-I-could-but-did-not-do stuff.. I might just blame myself till the day I die..

So.. in order for me not regret and u trying to comfort me on my death bed that it wasn’t my fault.. and frankly speaking we have one too many topics to cover on my/your death bed.. we don’t need to add this thing to that list.. haha.. and just maybe, maturity does come with age.. turning 22 makes me feel that I need to learn to be more mature..


It’s not for me to punish, though they may deserve the punishment..
(this is a time when I want to believe that there is a god.. but then again.. gods should be nice and all forgiving..)

People should not suffer for the mistake that were made by others..

I do not want to look back and see a life full of regrets..

There is always hope.. as long and you believe..
(well.. not really hope.. I personally don’t like the word hope.. too helpless and too up to fate kind of thing.. I like to see it as having the possibility to come true.. sorry.. a maths person here..)

Hey, it’s june! lets create that spark that will cause a forest fire!
(lame.. but hey, u cannot say it is not creative right? Hah)

suddenly realise that i have forgotten how 好 胜 i used to be.. i used to tell myself how come that person can do it? if that person can, i can too.. it's just about how much effort and hard work i am willing to put into it..

it's been a long time since i use it to improve myself.. now.. the only time it ever shows up is when i'm arguing with ppl.. i don't back down from arguments cos it feels like i've lost and i also don't like to be wrong.. well.. that's something that i still need to change.. learning to keep my mouth from saying things that will make situation worse.. learning to see that i may be wrong and accepting it..

time to start using my 好 胜-ness to my advantage.. finding a role model..

talking about moving out of home..

i think i forgot to blog that.. my one month's stay in hall is the most peaceful and enjoyable time in my whole almost 22 years of my life..

i think maybe i'm meant to stay away from home.. no conflicts.. no quarrels.. my own time, own pace.. i think i get more concern from my parents when i'm away from home than at home.. funny thing.. the less we all see of each other.. it seems.. the more concern we show..

but where got chance to move out of home.. must have money, find house, find ppl to share with etc etc.. siong ah..

but can dream about it lar.. hahahha

我也很想他

那时我们总有好多话 什么事都可以讲
我的爱情比你早 却一直放在心上
后来你们之间的变化 我不想再多说话
经过了相遇和挣扎 我还是无法将他放下

那是多久后的事了 有一天你突然问我
在那个时候 是否也爱著他

我也很想他 我们都一样 在他的身上
曾找到翅膀 只是那时的他 是因为你他开始飞翔
我也很想他 在某个地方 我少了尴尬 你少了肩膀
而夏天还是那么短 思念却很长 (我们都一样)

那时我们总有好多话 什么事都可以讲
我的爱情比你早 却一直放在心上
后来你们之间的变化 我不想再多说话
经过了相遇和挣扎 我还是无法将他放下

那是多久后的事了 有一天你突然问我
在那个时候 是否也爱著他

我也很想他 我们都一样 在他的身上
曾找到翅膀 只是那时的他 是因为你他开始飞翔
我也很想他 在某个地方 我少了尴尬 你少了肩膀
而夏天还是那么短 思念却很长

还记得 那年我们三个许下的愿望
星星骗了我们 我们却因此上了一课
成长必修的学分

我也很想他 我们都一样 在他的身上
曾找到翅膀 只是那时的他 是因为你他开始飞翔
我也很想他 在某个地方 我少了尴尬 你少了肩膀
而夏天还是那么短 思念却很长
我们都一样

feeling like crap..

something from the papers..

"better by far you should forget and smile than that you should remember and be sad."
-christina georgina rossetti, english poet