hmm... i don't know wat to write... alot of things doing somersaults in my head.. lets see if i can get some out..

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the msn feels awfully empty today... maybe cos sharon's not on it.. the farewell at the airport went pretty well.. except that ed thot it was fri instead of thu night... many apologies... did not realise i sent out the announcement of sharon's departure after midnight.. hence tmr night should have been tonight... sms ambiguity aside.. many came down to see her off.. it's great to hang around old ppl.. very nostalgic.. missed it.. alot.. more than i thot i would..
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watching gossip girl brings back alot of memories and resurfaced some thots that came across my mind these past 4yrs.. the choices i have made... the actions i have taken.. the believes that carried me thru and kept me on wat i thot and still think is the right path.. manipulation and drama is so not for me... i like being me.. the inside same as the outside... simple reasons... simple actions.. and always believe in the goodness of ppl.. giving chances for change.. accepting differences.. doing my best for something that i feel is worth it.. being happy..

some of the things that i have done may seem selfish to others.. and i agree that sometimes i really don't take other's feelings into consideration.. but who is perfect.. the ppl i see everywhere are dysfunctional in one way or the other.. the best.. or the worst part is.. they are either oblivious of it or they know but don't do anything about it.. hmm.. shall not cont on that track.. makes me sound cynical and jaded.. wat i wanted to say is.. despite my flaws, i am doing my best to take note of them and learning how to be a better person for the ppl around me.. there are ups and downs but i think i am making progress..

the increased self awareness and reflections have some side effects... realising that i have failed some ppl is really not a good feeling to have.. clearly knowing wat issues i am/have been avoiding is not something easy to handle.. knowing that i'm not always nice, that i can have bad thots and say bad things about ppl, even though those are facts, sometimes gross me out..

that's why these few months.. maybe even the whole of 2008.. i have been more or less in a state of inaction... trying to purge some bad habits and trying not to learn new ones.. staying away from ppl always gives me perspective but i guess my 2008 best friend has been avoidance.. many thots has been in my head in 2008 but they were fleeting, maybe cos i dare not delve too deeply into them.. i don't know if i can face wat i find.. so.. 2008 was filled with tv dramas, com games, food outings with the girls and train/bus rides with music from mp3 to force out the thots out of my mind.. only those relatively safe thots that i dare to dwell on gets played around in my head..

but as i always say.. things come back to haunt if u don't solve them.. and there is only a limited amt of compartment space that one has in one's brain.. chucking things into them has a limit.. and i think i have reached mine.. and i guess 2009 is a good time to do a big spring clean and start everything on a clean slate... new habits.. new thots.. new experiences.. time to start living again..


onwards!