“Sometimes the key to making progress is to take that very first step, then you start your journey.  You hope for the best, and you stick with it. Day in, day out. Even if you’re tired, even if you wanna walk away, you don’t because you are a pioneer. But nobody ever said it’d be easy.” 

- Meredith Grey in Grey's Anatomy

Yes you can say no. You can say no when you’ve said yes all your life.

You deserve to live your life. Live for yourself.

You only have one life. You can do whatever it is you want for yourself.

There is nothing wrong with living first for yourself.
For only when you are whole within yourself, and love yourself, can you fully love another. 

Grey's Anatomy

Dr. Bailey: I took pause.
Dr Yang: You paused? 
Dr. Bailey: I paused.
Dr. Bailey: I paused a very long time.
Dr. Bailey: So why did? I sat up one night, middle of the night and I knew I could do this.
Dr. Bailey: I still don't know how I'm gonna do this, but I knew I could do it.
Dr. Bailey: You just have to know.
Dr. Bailey: And when you don't know, then no one can fault you for it.
Dr. Bailey: You do what you can, when you can, while you can.
Dr. Bailey: And when you can't, you can't.

We can always look back in our lives and think that we could have done certain things better but the fact is.. it was the best we could do at that point in time with the limited experience, knowledge and understanding that we have. so we should learn to not keep faulting ourselves for the things we did in the past but look forward to see how we could do better in future.

Roller coaster.... sigh..

I hate lying.. that's y I have always chosen to speak the truth..

But life is funny in a way that sometimes I am put in a position where i have to skirt the truth or tell a lie on behalf of people.

I know it's a choice I have made to help ppl keep their facade.. but I'm starting to wonder if it is my duty or my responsibility to do so. Y must I choose to do something that is against my principles n makes me uncomfortable?

"Not everything that is broken is meant to be fixed.." Harold Finch's father

sometimes we try too hard to fix things that are broken in our lives and we forget to live our lives.

____

haha, just reread my blog and this phrase.. is such a shout out to calzona (grey's character, callie and arizona)! it is wat exactly is wrong with their relationship..

"There is always a choice to make. Every day, every hour, offered the opportunity to make a decision, a decision which determined whether you would or would not submit to those powers that threatened to rob you of your very self, your inner freedom." - Viktor Frankl

Aubrey's convo with Dr. B. on their experiences as an abandoned child.

B: I was angry for years..
A: How did u get over it?
B: I didn't.
A: So this isn't a comforting talk
B: No.. The pain is always there. The challenge is to not try and make it go away.
A: Really not comforting..
B: Fighting is the problem. We fight to change the past or push it away.. but the pain is part of who we are.
B: It's like the discovery of the quark.. it upended all our theories about physics. There was fury, fighting but it was true. And when it was finally accepted, it gave us a better understanding of life. If we have denied it, there would have been no progress.
B: It's not easy A.. but nothing of value is.

We always fight to suppress painful memories and walking away from people who hurt us.. but sometimes.. we forgot that these painful memories and these hurtful people makes us who we are and we forget to be thankful that these experiences make us better people..

Want to be alone for a while. Tired. Don't wish to face ppl. Don't want to be mature.

never again will i allow you guys to hurt me.. never again..

this is the last time..

time to drop the naive hope or expectations and get busy building walls..

城市里住着一只紫色的小兔子。它很害臊, 不爱跟其他的动物接触。有一天, 它在花园里碰到一条色彩艳丽的小虫。小虫天生好奇, 看到紫兔便问长问短的。起初紫兔有一些不知所措, 但慢慢的被小虫的热情与善良打动, 成为朋友。

它们经常见面, 互相扶持与分享, 日子过得快乐充实。但有一天小虫忽然一声不想的消失了。紫兔知道平时见不到小虫是因为天气的转变, 小虫避雨去了。但是最近天气阴晴不定, 而且平时守时的小虫竟然没出现, 因此它慌忙寻找, 担心小虫出事。

过了一个下午的寻找, 才在一个偏僻的避雨处发现了小虫的踪影。原来小虫已经开始吐丝, 开始建巣化蛹。紫兔看了很兴奋, 但是记起小虫在集中精神做事的时候不喜欢被打扰, 结果把到嘴边的鼓励与支持的话吞了回去。虽然无法表达或参与, 紫兔还是默默的守护在小虫的身边。

无情的天气开始刮起大风。紫兔开始紧张和担心小虫的安危。想开口体恤与叮咛小虫, 但又担心会让小虫分心或生气。小虫望着紫兔, 似乎眼神里叫紫兔离开, 不必守护他身旁。紫兔见了有些难过, 心想为何小虫不愿与它分享小虫人生中一个重要的阶段。结果紫兔伤心的掉头, 黯然的离去。但谁又知小虫心理是不忍心紫兔受风吹雨打?

被误解的小虫强忍着泪把巢建完。它心想, 在这关键时刻竟然没人陪伴, 有些失落。在要化蛹的最后一刻, 小虫的眼角划过了一片紫色。原来紫兔还是安耐不住担心, 返回到离小虫最近的地洞, 静静的, 远远的,望着它的好朋友。

紫兔心里一直懊恼, 觉得在小虫最需要它的时候它竟然只顾及自己的感受, 真不是个好朋友。在等待小虫的蜕变过程中, 紫兔担心小虫不知道自己在它身边, 怕它觉得孤独, 没人了解。它很想说些什么, 做些什么, 让小虫知道它是关心与支持小虫的。但是紫兔想来想去, 还是默默的支持最重, 结果压抑了自己的情绪, 静静的等待小虫的蜕变, 希望小虫明白它的心意。

过了数日, 蜕变成功的小虫, 破蛹而出。伸展了它艳丽的翅膀, 它开始往天空飞去。。

艳丽的蝴蝶是否记起虫时的好友紫兔? 它有没有发现紫兔的默默守护? 他们的友情是否依旧?

人生有如此多的曲折。。

"All Of Me" - John Legend

[Verse 1:]
What would I do without your smart mouth?
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
You've got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down
What's going on in that beautiful mind
I'm on your magical mystery ride
And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright

[Pre-Chorus:]
My head's under water
But I'm breathing fine
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind

[Chorus:]
'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, ohoh

[Verse 2:]
How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you're crying you're beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I'm around through every mood
You're my downfall, you're my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can't stop singing, it's ringing, in my head for you

[Pre-Chorus:]
My head's under water
But I'm breathing fine
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind

[Chorus:]
'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, ohoh

[Bridge:]
Give me all of you
Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts
Risking it all, though it's hard

[Chorus:]
'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you

I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, ohoh

Which will u choose?

1. Mentally engaged
2. Physically attracted
3. Emotionally attached
4. Logically matched

4 in 1 would be ideal.

I remember that you used to tell me that it was frustrating to be angry with me when I did not realize that I had made you angry and continue treating you as if all was fine and gay..

I finally understood how it felt and I have to say that.. being on the receiving end.. made me realize how sometimes people can hurt others unknowingly.. and made me want to be more careful of how I  treat people..

It made me wonder what were the things that I had done that irked and bothered you then.. but I guess I will never find out..

I now sort of understood why you didn't bring it up when these situations occurred.. sometimes it seems a bit silly to me when I get upset over things that other people did but yet they did not realize.. makes me wonder if it is that big a deal to be angry over or disappointed over what was being said or done.. if the incident that occurred was of no great significance and the emotion that arose out of it was due to sensitiveness of myself then is it a worthy point to bring it up to the other party? what good would it do and how would it help?

I guess I need to learn which are the issues to bring up and which are those that I should let it blow past.. and learn how to manage my emotions for them..

总是把自己的热脸贴在别人的冷屁股上。

傻。

给未来的自己 - 梁靜茹 

作詞：黃婷
作曲：李正宗

站在狂風的天台一望無際
這一座孤獨的城市
在天空與高樓交接的盡頭
誰追尋空曠的自由

陽光覆滿這一刻寧靜的我
隔絕了喧囂和冷漠
川流不息的人遊蕩在街頭
誰能聽見誰的寂寞

找一個人惺惺相惜 找一顆心心心相印
在這個宇宙 我是獨一無二 沒人能取代

不管怎樣 怎樣都會受傷
傷了又怎樣 至少我很堅強 我很坦蕩


夜幕籠罩燦爛的一片燈海
多少人多少種無奈
在星光裡遺忘昨天的傷害
一覺醒來還有期待


我不放棄愛的勇氣 我不懷疑會有真心
我要握住 一個最美的夢 給未來的自己

一天一天 一天推翻一天 堅持的信仰
我會記住自己今天的模樣

有一個人惺惺相惜 有一顆心心心相印
拋開過去 我想認真去追尋 未來的自己
不管怎樣 怎樣都會受傷
傷了又怎樣 至少我很堅強 我很坦蕩


我不放棄愛的勇氣 我不懷疑會有真心
我要握住 一個最美的夢 給未來的自己
不管怎樣 怎樣都會受傷
傷了又怎樣 至少我很堅強 我很坦蕩

未來的你 會懂我的瘋狂

Is being too honest a fault? Is being too nice a flaw?

What kind of world are we living in when niceness n honesty is no longer thot to be normal behaviour n these traits r points that raise suspicions..

being misunderstood by strangers or aquaintances should be a normal occurance in one's life.. hence one would not feel too strongly about it unless one is being treated unfairly or cruelly due to such misperception.. also, it is easier to brush off and easier to see that these people are misguided and ignorant..

being misunderstood by close friends and family is a whole different level.. especially family.. it hurts a great deal.. and it hurts even more when you suddenly realise that your close friends know you better than your family and are more willing to look at you will no colored lenses..

sometimes when people know each other for so long.. it is so easy to fall into the trap of thinking that we have understood all there is to understand of that person and forget that a person can learn, grow and change.. and family members tend to fall into this trap even more easily.. we are so sure of ourselves, of our knowledge about the people we love that we never stop to think, to evaluate and to recognise the changes in them. and this negligence is one of the most hurtful thing that you can do to the people you care for..

so open your eyes and take a look a the people around you.. forget the past and look at the present.. acknowledge their every change.. cos it will definitely not be the last.. in today's words: update the version of the person in your mind to the latest version or you might risk lagginess and malfunction.

i literally have a split milk incident when i'm still upset about yesterday.. what luck. i feel bullied.. even by the milk..

for a split second i really wanted to cry, but the scenario of me literally crying over split milk is so hilarious that my mood got better.. but my mood wasn't up for long as i had to spend half an hour mopping up the milk and wiping down my fridge.

You know that you have been badly hurt when tears fall silently down on your cheeks and you have no way of holding them back. despite knowing that people are around you and yet the tears keep falling and you keep praying that no one sees it..

And after the tears have dried.. you feel a dull ache in your chest.. breathing takes more effort than usual.. your eyes sting.. your head hurts.. and your arms strain from hugging yourself too tightly..

"Brave"

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up

Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just want to see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been there,
Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, just stop holding your tongue

Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
See you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you

Colorblind lyrics by Amber Riley.

---

When the world is seeing yellow
I only see gray
When everybody sees the rainbow
I’m stuck in the rain
You take a little piece of me
Every time you leave
I don’t think that I’ll ever find that silver lining
Or reason to smile

You know I used to paint such vibrant dreams
Now I’m colorblind colorblind
When did my heart
Get so full of the never mind never mind
Did you know
That you stole the only thing I needed
Only black and white in my eyes
I’m colorblind

Ain’t it funny that you managed
To just wash away
Even pictures that you’re not in
Have started to fade
I tried to play my favorite songs
But I can’t sing along
The words don’t feel the same
You’ve taken all the best things from me
And thrown them away


I’ll wait
For roses to be red again
And I hate
That you took my blue from the ocean
Give me back green greens and goldens
My purples my blues you sold them
How long will I be broken

You know I used to paint such vibrant dreams
Now I’m colorblind colorblind
When did my heart get so full of the never mind
Did you know
That you stole the only thing I needed
Only black and white in my eyes
I’m colorblind
Only black and white in my eyes
I’m colorblind

I hate celebrating things with my family.. it always ends up in arguments, quarrels or unhappiness. Y my family can't have a simple open conversation without ppl feeling like they are being attacked, blamed or wronged?

I think my family can be a textbook case for all family counsellors out there.. dysfunctional communication.

someone said to me that my only flaw is being too nice.. it was a nice compliment though somewhat backhanded..

thanks sharon..

but i do not believe that it is my only flaw.. sadly..

then again.. i'm human afterall.. everyone is entitled to having some flaws.. it is what makes them interesting and infuriating at times..

i guess the past few years had made me comfortable in my own skin and i like who i am and i would want to be the kind of person who represents her beliefs and values well.. so.. still cautiously choosing my beliefs and values.. and exposing myself to more things to stimulate and challenge my mind..

it's weird to be dreaming of you.. it's been years since i've last seen you.. but you have been in my dreams the past two nights.. wat does it mean?

do dreams really try to tell us something? or is my subconscious mind trying to tell me something?