i just realised i have a lot of books that i can read...


at least 14 half read books are staring at me from my bookshelf

4 half read lib books that i can't seem to finish within the due date

a dozen psych textbooks that are actually quite interesting but was dulled and chucked aside as they remind me too much of the horrid exams that i had to go thru..


shall take my time clearing them when i'm more free to read and stop whining to myself that i have no books to read..

i seem to have fewer and fewer thots that pass thru my head...

and even when i do have some.. they seem to disappear as quickly as they came..

maybe this is the true definition of an air head...

finally it's going to be fri...

and i have not died yet.. haha

we shall see..

video's still not done.. argh!!!!

can u believe that hell week can start on the first week of sch??????


maybe i really should just concentrate on studying..

why do i have to care so much and fight so hard?

to do it on my own?

impossible.

but who would want to sacrifice?



i just want to get by this week..

oh! someone fell of her bed twice in less than 2hrs..

finally went to suan ming...

very interesting things were brought up..

we shall see if they come true..

to dream or not to dream?

tough decision..

freaky..

astro report:
Take time to learn the art of acquiescence -- that is, of finding a way to accommodate others for the sake of progress. If you're normally of a take-charge, dominating nature, this will be difficult. But even if you are generally a dominating person, you should respond to the need for expediency: Sometimes it's better to speed things up so everything can move forward rather than stagnating. This may be a humbling experience for you, but if you can manage to back down or step aside, it will be a valuable lesson. Take this experience as an opportunity to look for flaws in your thinking or course of action, to remedy any errors you've made and to get your attitude in line in terms of how you're reacting emotionally to the situation at hand. Be open to humility; remember that you can't be correct, efficient or clear-headed all the time, and this is likely to be one of the times when you aren't. If you resist the lessons of this time, if you try to exert your will against the opposition, you'll find it doesn't work -- and you'll be filled with a general sense of static or dissonance. Loosening up is the best idea.

am i really that accurate?

i need a bigger sample size.. but my method too tedious and too long a time period needed.. and some bit of luck..

i received a news that i think anyone would at least have some reaction to.. but i felt nothing..

i wonder if i will ever receive a news that is shocking.. not that i foresaw the news that came.. it was a time bomb that was waiting to happen..

just..

it makes me wonder yet again if i have the capacity to feel any emotions.. why i don't get upset.. why i don't feel worried..

my mind and heart's so calm as if i didn't even get the news.. it's scary.. i think i'm scary.. like some heartless creature..

how is it that i can feel more for a social construct than for human beings in flesh and blood.. i have no idea..

it has been a long night..

i'm thinking.. but.. there's nothing to think about.. or maybe i don't know where to start thinking from.. or wat is there to think about...

hmm...

clueless..

hmm.. come to think of it.. i'm graduating.. it's good! haha..

looking forward to find a job i love..

why do i always have itchy hand to go and do the horoscope/astro/tarot stuff that i see on my friend's blog..

You are The Lovers

Motive, power, and action, arising from Inspiration and Impulse.

The Lovers represents intuition and inspiration. Very often a choice needs to be made.

Originally, this card was called just LOVE. And that's actually more apt than "Lovers." Love follows in this sequence of growth and maturity. And, coming after the Emperor, who is about control, it is a radical change in perspective. LOVE is a force that makes you choose and decide for reasons you often can't understand; it makes you surrender control to a higher power. And that is what this card is all about. Finding something or someone who is so much a part of yourself, so perfectly attuned to you and you to them, that you cannot, dare not resist. This card indicates that the you have or will come across a person, career, challenge or thing that you will fall in love with. You will know instinctively that you must have this, even if it means diverging from your chosen path. No matter the difficulties, without it you will never be complete.

was looking at this comic strip.. want to upload but cannot copyright.. so.. bear with the words..


the comic strip..

1. jon was reading newspaper that was placed on the table..

2. garfield came walking by and sat squarely on the newspaper jon was reading..

3. jon, being unable to read the papers.. shouted at garfield to get off his newspaper..

4. garfield replied saying 'you know, all u had to do was ask. there's no need to lose ur temper.'

5. and it ended with garfield leaving the newspaper.. and jon was left with a newspaper that is in strips of curls..


well.. wat to say..

firstly.. true.. most of the time, ppl just have to ask nicely and things will be done to the way they requested.. note... it is requested.. not demanded.. not threatened.. not ordered.. but most ppl just won't do it the nice way.. even i am guilty of it sometimes..

and.. very naturally.. when u don't do it the nice way when u could have.. the end result is most likely to be that of the ripped newspaper that jon got back in the end..

that's life.. shown in a simple way thru a comic strip..


hope it serves as a reminder to everyone.. i'll definitely keep it in mind..

the funny reasons that ppl give... don't they even blush at the absurdity of it all..

totally amused.. totally.. i'm just shy of giving up the idea that things will get done with them around..

i guess... one person's strength isn't enuf.. a black hole..



*for friends who are reading this (as in ppl like shar, nott, nanana.. not those who stalk me without me knowing)... may there be highlights for u to see the truth.. hahahha

had the weirdest night....

sitting at a bus stop with a friend who's on the phone, talking about her physical progression with guys and later on progress to talk about the experiences that her other friends have shared with her, is so..... i don't know wat to say.. all i could do is to hum a tune repeatedly to entertain myself and try not to remember wat she said.. too much info.. and especially when her friends that she talked about are those that i have seen before.. i wonder wat images i will have if i see them again.. ok, better not think..

and later on....

standing in front of a guy friend and a gal friend, listening to the gal friend telling the guy friend about my cup size and how good i look in a plunging neckline dress, is so... yar.. lost of words.. it got worst when she said she think i look bigger than the size i said i was.. faint.. think the guy kenna dissonance.. and he didn't know how to continue with the convo.. haha.. now.. that was the only funny part from how i saw it..

no more late night coffee outings when my gal friend is tired and sprouting rubbish..

maybe being able to physically leave a place is a good thing.. emotional bagagges can be left behind as u leave the place behind..

i need to remember to put them down when the time comes..
and don't look back..

perceptions.. wat do i say about them?

i have a love hate r/s with them..

matters of the heart and mind... things which i cannot fathom..

why are things so complex?

or should i ask... why do ppl see things as so complex?


i'm a simple minded gal that wants a simple life...


i can take it.. but.. it's tiring.. to always be thinking in other ppl's shoes.. sometimes i feel like saying.. get the hell out.. why do i have to be the one to understand... to take a step back so that u can take a step forward.. why must i be mature and live and let live.. i want to be unreasonable, irrational and illogical..

i want to be a brat.. i don't want to care about consequence...


ignore me.. i'm ranting..

will hit big bird once i'm done and be kuku and happy again..

July.. a month of leaving..

With casey and cai’s departure last fri… vi flying off last sat.. and graduation of nott and all last sun..

Hmm.. maybe should change it to the week of leaving..

k.. jokes aside..

goodbyes.. I’m never good with them.. never knew wat to say or wat to do..

maybe a part of me wishes that it’s not true that they are not leaving.. or the other part of me which says.. yes, they are leaving, but this is not the end.. we will still meet and we are still there for each other even though we are physically worlds apart..

yet still there is another part of me that fears that I would burst out crying while saying goodbyes.. and the thought that we might not cross each others’ paths again..

its just too unbearable I guess.. that’s why I’d rather stand in one corner and not say anything.. not wanting to take about the future and give promises of meeting up at whichever date or time.. I don’t want to be disappointed when that day comes and we all could not be there..

still living in denial that I’m graduating at the end of the year.. there is so much I want to do.. so many things I want to try.. so many ppl that I want to spend more time with..

left with 5 months.. where to spend it on?

it's so easy to chuck things into a corner and not think about them..

it's even better when i'm a very forgetful person..


not a very easy feat when..

1. the things u want to chuck into a corner are very salient
2. they keep popping up in almost every conversation that u have..
3. they keep coming out of their corner and stare at u in the face..


chucking..

it only takes the simplest words to touch the hearts..

another year of memories to add to the old ones..

alot of thots and reflections..

just realised that it's my last camp too.. hah.. kept thinking that i'll be participating in the future camps forever..

last one.. sounds so final..

i don't want to leave too..

a mad rush to the finishing line.. or maybe.. to the starting line..

a whirlwind of activities.. and more to come!!

hang in there!!!!

i want sleep..

you are the most hateful person on this earth..

but u will never know that cos u think u are so perfect..

i don't want to grow up to be like u..

it's very interesting to see from an outsider's view pt of ppl doing the things that i have done before.. it gives me more perspective of what i have gained from those experiences and the things that i have taken for granted of..

i've come to realise that every step or action taken in the process of planning, preparation and execution of an event is very impt.. even the smallest and seemingly most insignificant ones.. a step that was overlooked or deemed unimpt can cause the whole plan to go off course.. there needs to be coherence in everything that is to be done and awareness that effects ripple.. preempting and playing out the diff possible ripple effects of an action is very impt.. learning not to freak out when things look doomed is uttermost impt.. haha

damn.. i'm going to turn into a cheryl nott.. not that she's not good.. she is very zai.. but scary~..

and i can now see how much i have grown from then.. in skills, knowledge and ability.. i've changed quite alot too.. some good some bad.. hmm.. must learn to be less overbearing and listen to others more when they talk.. to be a supporting role and learn from each and every one.. abilities which i seem to have lost over this past year..

oh yes.. no idea when i've picked up the bad habit of not being able to let go.. i need to know that as long as i've done my best to inform and beg ppl to use my helpline service, i have done my part.. and be able to accept that things will not be as wat i hoped and that i cannot control the situation as i like.. for i'm no longer part of that situation.. letting go and letting things flow.. thing may not be as bad as it seems..

'being able to accept watever outcome with a peaceful mind' is wat i have to learn to attain..

well..

i had a nice start today.. yes~.. thanks to shar and her cheap thrill...

and a nice end for today.. with an unexpected smooth flowing convo with the family which did not end in an argument.. and a quick and fun buying trip before the stores in imm close..

should i ask for more?

maybe wat happened in between shouldn't matter and i should just be thankful for wat happy moments i had..

learning to appreciate no matter wat situation i'm given..

I used to be able to trust people so easily, to believe that people deserve second chances and that they have the ability or the potential as long as someone is willing to give them that chance.. I believed that miracles can happen.. that ppl can change.. that things will always turn for the better..

Funny thing how these thots disappeared in less than a year.. amazing how some ppl and events can have so much power to do that.. and you are right.. I’ve become so jaded that even I feel scary that I am so much so.. I’m tired.. nothing’s helping..

But I believe it’s a phase.. I just need to work it out.. I need to find my inner strength.. to find back my believe.. I need to find my motivation.. it’s my battle that I must fight.. or maybe not a battle but something I have to seek within myself.. I don’t want it to come from outside cos once that’s gone, I’ll lose energy again.. I need to find it from within.. my own drive..

It’s not that hard.. it’s already there.. just that whether I want to rid myself of that bitter taste that they have failed me time and time again.. well.. my pettiness usually don’t last too long.. it’s still there cos I don’t want to let it go.. childish I guess.. maybe to me, it’s a revenge of sorts.. perverse way of dealing with the current situation.. to make me feel at ease with myself without having to literally kill ppl and get myself into prison for that..

Ah well.. it’s time to let go.. I have to do wat I have to do.. emotionally, logically and practicality-wise it makes the most sense.. I’d be stupid not to take that route.. and yes.. I might just regret it someday if I chose not to do it.. I’m not into reducing cognitive dissonances for wat-I-could-but-did-not-do stuff.. I might just blame myself till the day I die..

So.. in order for me not regret and u trying to comfort me on my death bed that it wasn’t my fault.. and frankly speaking we have one too many topics to cover on my/your death bed.. we don’t need to add this thing to that list.. haha.. and just maybe, maturity does come with age.. turning 22 makes me feel that I need to learn to be more mature..


It’s not for me to punish, though they may deserve the punishment..
(this is a time when I want to believe that there is a god.. but then again.. gods should be nice and all forgiving..)

People should not suffer for the mistake that were made by others..

I do not want to look back and see a life full of regrets..

There is always hope.. as long and you believe..
(well.. not really hope.. I personally don’t like the word hope.. too helpless and too up to fate kind of thing.. I like to see it as having the possibility to come true.. sorry.. a maths person here..)

Hey, it’s june! lets create that spark that will cause a forest fire!
(lame.. but hey, u cannot say it is not creative right? Hah)

suddenly realise that i have forgotten how 好 胜 i used to be.. i used to tell myself how come that person can do it? if that person can, i can too.. it's just about how much effort and hard work i am willing to put into it..

it's been a long time since i use it to improve myself.. now.. the only time it ever shows up is when i'm arguing with ppl.. i don't back down from arguments cos it feels like i've lost and i also don't like to be wrong.. well.. that's something that i still need to change.. learning to keep my mouth from saying things that will make situation worse.. learning to see that i may be wrong and accepting it..

time to start using my 好 胜-ness to my advantage.. finding a role model..

talking about moving out of home..

i think i forgot to blog that.. my one month's stay in hall is the most peaceful and enjoyable time in my whole almost 22 years of my life..

i think maybe i'm meant to stay away from home.. no conflicts.. no quarrels.. my own time, own pace.. i think i get more concern from my parents when i'm away from home than at home.. funny thing.. the less we all see of each other.. it seems.. the more concern we show..

but where got chance to move out of home.. must have money, find house, find ppl to share with etc etc.. siong ah..

but can dream about it lar.. hahahha

我也很想他

那时我们总有好多话 什么事都可以讲
我的爱情比你早 却一直放在心上
后来你们之间的变化 我不想再多说话
经过了相遇和挣扎 我还是无法将他放下

那是多久后的事了 有一天你突然问我
在那个时候 是否也爱著他

我也很想他 我们都一样 在他的身上
曾找到翅膀 只是那时的他 是因为你他开始飞翔
我也很想他 在某个地方 我少了尴尬 你少了肩膀
而夏天还是那么短 思念却很长 (我们都一样)

那时我们总有好多话 什么事都可以讲
我的爱情比你早 却一直放在心上
后来你们之间的变化 我不想再多说话
经过了相遇和挣扎 我还是无法将他放下

那是多久后的事了 有一天你突然问我
在那个时候 是否也爱著他

我也很想他 我们都一样 在他的身上
曾找到翅膀 只是那时的他 是因为你他开始飞翔
我也很想他 在某个地方 我少了尴尬 你少了肩膀
而夏天还是那么短 思念却很长

还记得 那年我们三个许下的愿望
星星骗了我们 我们却因此上了一课
成长必修的学分

我也很想他 我们都一样 在他的身上
曾找到翅膀 只是那时的他 是因为你他开始飞翔
我也很想他 在某个地方 我少了尴尬 你少了肩膀
而夏天还是那么短 思念却很长
我们都一样

feeling like crap..

something from the papers..

"better by far you should forget and smile than that you should remember and be sad."
-christina georgina rossetti, english poet

is it so hard to trust?

sigh..

maybe they just fear to lose the ppl they care about.. controlling other's actions and decisions is just a way to prevent ppl they love from harm..

but.. how long can one keep others by their side? how long can they 'protect' them? how many know that they meant well though it may not be the best method to keep their love ones safe?

i feel like a bird trapped in a cage.. well fed.. well taken care off.. but.. will i ever be free?

freaky freaky..

i woke up today at 8 plus.. very perplex as to why i woke up so early.. usually i wake up at 12 or when my alarm rings.. after lazing in my bed, i came out to check my laptop at 9 plus.. lo and behold.. nott msned me at 8.30..

i was thinking that it was just a coincidence when i suddenly remembered that the last part of my dream before i woke up was of nott talking to me..

scary thot..

haha.. and yes.. amanda, don't jealous k? hahahahah

i got comments.. too long for shar's blog though..

my take on r/s..

hmm.. true about friendship being longer lasting than r/s.. but i think self-fulfilling prophecy plays an impt part.. not alot of ppl would think of their r/s as permanent.. most would think that it is relatively permanent... alot of those who think that r/s is a one time affair that leads to marriage and says 'this is it and there's no other' tends to stay long in r/s and get married.. i always think the some who didn't is cos their other half does not think the same way...

the reasons that ppl get attached are also very impt determinants.. one thing i want to say.. there is a difference between needs and expectations or wants... i think ppl who meet each other's needs will stay together longer.. cos expectations are very much of matching the person u have with the ideal in ur head and see how much it fits.. and wants can be quite frivolous sometimes..

sunken cost is never the best reason to remain in a r/s... cos though u spent x no. of yrs to make this r/s work and x amt of time and effort to make it thru... but imagine.. u may be spending 10x-20x amt of time and years to endure the same things that u have been enduring.. a few years, yes... but... 40 years? 50? some ppl have alot of patience to wait for a change to occur in the other person.. some ppl just get used to wat they don't like.. and some ppl choose to actively seek wat they love/like in another person... so.. i guess is up to the individual bah..

haha.. i don't think ppl get into r/s with solely reproduction in mind.. the act before reproduction is more likely.. hahaha... and being in r/s it becomes more acceptable... and.. it's a more stable one compared to one night stands.. less risk.. hahha.. so yes.. hahaha.. fruit for thot?

haha.. sorry.. can't resist a pun..

work work work...

alot of things to do... cannot waste time already..

drew up a list of things i have to do during hols and it came up to a 20 over list of things to be done..

kill me..

think i very bim today.. shar will agree..

it started with the drink buying incident.. and never did stopped..

was at arts open house today.. very few ppl.. i wonder why... but.. that's not the pt.. back to drink buying.. me and shar were walking from as1 to as6 to buy drink from the vending machine.. the table that psych was at was just 3 tables away from the vending machine.. we walked and walked.. and we ended up walking pass it and walked all the way towards the as6 toilet... shar had to ask where was i going before i realised that i overshot the vending machine by so much..

said alot of oops things during lunch with linyen, eugene, minrui, nabil and shar..

then me and shar had to go store restock take.. did alot of stupid things in the store while repacking.. think we were laughing at each other for the 3hrs we spent there.. and i swear yy is crazy.. sprouting incomprehensible things thru out packing.. haha..

oh.. and haha.. after dinner, i thot he going to tampines so i took bus from the bus stop below mrt.. but when i reach home shar told me he only going tampines tmr.. haha i wonder where i get the idea that he going tampines today.. weird..


ohoh... the guy in geog shirt looks quite cute.. hahaha.. i was blatantly staring at him lar.. hahhahaha.. think he not student.. maybe TA.. look too young to be lecturer..

funny thing how i blog so much lesser when i'm having hols than when i'm having classes..

alot of thots these few weeks but.. still thinking in progress..

keep opening the new post in blogger but had nothing to write.. don't know why..


been feeling a bit.. restless? don't know.. just find myself in high avoidance mode.. like don't want to think.. don't want to do things that i need to do..

"What You Do About Me"

I wish that I was her and I wish that she was me
You gotta let her go, and I know that you agree
'Cause how could this ever start?
If you're afraid to break her heart?
You say you love me so
You have to let her know

[Chorus]
All that she wants is you
All that she sees is you
All that you gotta do
It's to set her free
That's what
That's what
What you do about me

Love's not an easy thing
Always somebody gets hurt
I know you were meant for me, even though she saw you first
But deal with her honestly
I won't let you cheat with me
I guess you never knew
What you put yourself into

[Chorus]

We could beautiful
We could be so special
We could be wonderful

[Chorus 2x]

"The Day You Went Away"

[VERSE 1]
Well I wonder could it be
When I was dreaming 'bout you baby
You were dreaming of me
Call me crazy, call me blind
To still be suffering is stupid after all of this time

[PRE-CHORUS 1]
Did I lose my love to someone better
And does she love you like I do
I do, you know I really really do

[CHORUS]
Well hey
So much I need to say
Been lonely since the day
The day you went away
So sad but true
For me there's only you
Been crying since the day
The day you went away

[VERSE 2]
I remember date and time
September twenty second
Sunday twenty five after nine
In the doorway with your case
No longer shouting at each other
There were tears on our faces

[PRE-CHORUS 2]
And we were letting go of something special
Something we'll never have again
I know, I guess I really really know

[CHORUS]
The day you went away
The day you went away

[PRE-CHORUS 1]
[CHORUS]

[BRIDGE]
Why do we never know what we've got 'til it's gone
How could I carry on
The day you went away
Cause I've been missing you so much I have to say
Been crying since the day
The day you went away

The day you went away
The day you went away

funny thing how some things don't change.. 5 yrs ago i've been teased almost the exact same way that i'm getting now.. that feeling and wat happened, i almost forgot..

5 yrs of drought since then and now, it's back again.. the similarity is startling.. the teasing.. the 'can't seem to get out from the firing zone' kind of feeling..

a different bunch of friends.. a different guy.. a different situation.. a different perspective..

i'm no longer 17.. no longer curious of the unknown.. no longer take issues of the heart lightly.. and no longer have the 'just try and i might just find out that this is actually wat i want' kind of attitude..

i believe my callousness 5 yrs ago hurt someone.. i don't want to make the same mistakes..

yes.. i'm a person that doesn't like making mistakes.. no matter whether it's the same one or a new one..

i'm a passivist.. and i believe in que sera sera..

so.. wat will be, will be..

i will not be dwelling on this issue.. there are other things to do and think about..

and anyway.. there is no need to make any decisions or take any actions about it.. shall just let the teasing be the graduating gift for u all.. have some cheap thrill while u all can..

forgot to post that I AM FREE!!

hahah.. finally exams ended.. and no, i'm not saying i'm free of charge.. i'm saying i'm free from textbooks, lecture notes, readings and webcasts for 3 months..

detached
adj.
-Marked by an absence of emotional involvement and an aloof, impersonal objectivity.

cynical
adj.
-Believing or showing the belief that people are motivated chiefly by base or selfish concerns; skeptical of the motives of others.



not cynical leh.. don't believe the worst in ppl.. not really the worst in ppl.. but just.. i don't think cynically..

still think is more of detached...

but yes.. lack of surprise as an emotion and clamping down...

hmm.. now i have to re evaluated and trying to see how things link..

haha.. things that have occurred are starting to make sense..

interesting.. how lost i was for 20 plus years.. not being able to put words to wat i've experienced..

shaming a child is no good but guilt tripping them is ok...

hahaha.. interesting things u learn when studying for exams..

it's been a long time since i've given anyone a birthday present.. on my own.. not sharing with others..

why?

i miss those days when i gave presents that i took care to select... for friends that meant alot to me.. instead of just chip in money for a grp present..

also.. think that technologies reduced festive greetings and birthdays to a less than 160 characters sms.. sad.. where did the cards go.. though i'm guilty of using it myself..

saw 3 ppl in the usually empty toilet of my hall.. maybe ppl only appear at 11 plus at night..

either they seem shocked to see me or they are also shock by the fact the toilet has alot of ppl..

interesting things they wear to the toilet.. never considered bathing towel as a piece of clothing which u can parade around in until now.. hahha

i wonder if best friend was still staying here.. and he saw.. wat would he say.. hahaha

it's turning draggy.. when will exams end???

but.. considering how much readings i have not touched yet.. i don't hope that thu come any time faster..

Give me a dozen healthy infants, well-formed, and my own specified world to bring them up in and i'll guarantee to take any one at random and train him to become any type of specialist i might select-doctor, lawyer, artist, merchant chief, and yes, even beggarman and thief, regardless of his talents, penchants, tendencies, abilities, vocations and race of his ancestors.

J. B. Watson

how i wish i am trained to take the exams! argh.. dev paper looks damn hard..

haha.. i think i know where body get her weird facts from..

i was watching nuscast in sch... found out they have discovery channel... so went to watch it.. guess wat.. they were interviewing this japanese scientist that does research on sound and it's effects on human mind and body.. he was showing a research that he did on designing ringtones to change human physiology.. it was on a particular ringtone which could enlarge breasts of women if they hear it often enuf.. hahha.. cool right?

the ringtone is made up of baby crying sound and sounds which activates the brain to recognise the crying.. it worked on the principle that women when they hear baby cry often enuf.. their breast will enlarge...

they tested it and it showed that within a few weeks.. the lady that was listening to the ringtone had her breast enlarged by 3cm.. haha.. i believe plastic surgeons will be out of job soon...

oh.. i believe there are ppl who won't want to hear and have that ringtone.. so beware... hahah.. it's call the rock melon ringtone.. how apt.. ahhahahha

for nanana.. haha the song title is this.. congrats on graduating!

月桂女神 -S.H.E.

传说漫长　浩瀚如史诗般　记忆这段　惶惶不安
颜色金黄　阿波罗的光芒　却比不上　达芙妮的勇敢

没有一种爱可以　在自由　之上 Woo~
达芙妮的伤　化身　月桂树倔强

月桂树漂香　那夜风恋月光　我的爱　很不一样
素净的脸上　从不抹浓妆坚持　自己喜欢
月桂树漂香　云缠绕星光我要　有话就讲
无边的海洋　那辽阔的想像比谁　都不平凡

森林河畔　阿波罗在追赶 (哭著)　哭著戴上　达芙妮的桂冠
被束缚的爱　已经　没有了　温暖 Ho~ 　达芙妮的伤心疼　千年间流传

月桂树漂香　那夜风恋月光　我的爱　很不一样
素净的脸上　从不抹浓妆坚持　自己喜欢
月桂树漂香　云缠绕星光我要　有话就讲
无边的海洋　那辽阔的想像比谁　都不平凡

爱摇晃　爱靠岸　我航向了前方　寻找桂冠

月桂树漂香　那夜风恋月光　我的爱　很不一样 (很不一样)
素净的脸上　从不抹浓妆坚持　自己喜欢
月桂树漂香　云缠绕星光我要　有话就讲
无边的海洋　那辽阔的想像比谁　都不平凡
月桂树漂香　那夜风恋月光　我的爱　很不一样 (很不一样)
素净的脸上　从不抹浓妆坚持　自己喜欢
月桂树漂香　云缠绕星光我要　有话就讲
无边的海洋　那辽阔的想像比谁　都不平凡

冰箱 -S.H.E.

把大象放进冰箱有几个步骤 把河马放进冰箱有几个步骤
把回忆放进冰箱会不会寂寞 把爱情放进冰箱也已经到了时候
让眼泪一次流够要几个枕头 让明天不再难过要多少纸鹤
让热情变成冷漠算不算罪过 让爱情退冰多久 才可以化为乌有
从今以后再没有人那样逗我 从今以后 就要分手
从今以后冰箱不必再放啤酒 从今以后 别在门口等我
从今以后再不需要别人哄我 从今以后 就算分手
从今以后日记再也不用上锁 从今以后 甚至不是朋友
苹果给你 柠檬给我 可乐给你 咖啡给我 自由给你
真心给我 你的给你 我的你不能带走



it's time for the period to come to a close... i don't see it going anywhere else except wat it is now..

second paper down and still no feeling.. no exam jitters no nothing.. think something wrong with me..


time passed very fast.. it's almost near the end..

i wonder how can a 30 qn test tell me that i'll be a millionaire some day..

Utmost in your mind is success. You are constantly seeking stimulation and a life full of experience. You are trying to 'grow' and above all you need to develop freely and to shake off the shackles of self-doubt. You are an enthusiastic individual, full of life with the desire to live intensely. You like contact with others and are enthusiastic by nature. You are receptive to anything new, modern or intriguing. Your interests are many and you are likely to expand your fields of activities. You are optimistic about the future and you deserve every success because deep down you are a 'winner'.

You are working extremely hard trying to improve your image in the eyes of others. You are looking for acknowledgement from your peers and those who come into your sphere of influence. You want to be liked, not for what people think of you but for what you really are.

You are feeling under considerable pressure and you are being forced to make concessions. You are not particularly happy with this state of affairs but you feel that you have no alternative. If you were to force issues you would be left out or completely ignored by one and all.

You feel that you must have co-operation from those close to you before the existing stressful situation can be improved. You feel that no-one understands you and this lack of understanding and appreciation makes you feel completely isolated. You need that feeling of security and would like to get away from what you now consider depressing shackles. You have that need to re-establish your own individuality but your sensual self-restraint makes it difficult for you to let go - to open up, but the way that you are feeling at this time makes you feel that 'Enough is enough' and you are prepared to give in. This disturbs you as you feel that this attitude is an obvious sign of weakness - an attitude to be overcome and so in spite of this situation you feel that in order to assert your own individuality you need to continue to practice self-restraint.

You really like doing what you do and, more than that, you like yourself. Your attitude to work and to life is that 'If its not fun - then don't do it'. You want to be liked and respected, not for who you are but for what you are - and it seems to be working.




scary scary colorgenics..

find me in pgp if u want apples or chocolate with wine in it..

today's my first exam.. but it doesn't feel like my exams are starting..

it just feels like any other day.. guess i'm numbed to exams already..

i think i'm halfway back on track to be wat i used to be like..

at least this time was a ARGH!!!! then soon after... grumbling to two ppl and ranting to another offline window.. and another trying to cheer me up.. i feel totally fine..

wat is done, cannot be undone.. i can repeat the scenario over and over again and experience the anger and distress over and over again.. but.. so wat.. so why not just let it go? and let go i did.. it is a thing of the past and there is no need to waste energy on something that is already done..

i prob to stop my compulsive complaining.. a behavior acquired this year or so.. i used to be able to work out my irritations/frustrations etc on my own.. or they disappear faster than i can deal with them.. haha.. but now.. with the availability of ppl who know the reason behind wat i feel.. i tend to unload on them.. which is not a very good thing i suppose... complaining or ranting is a negative energy.. it tires ppl and puts additional distress for ppl.. so... yes... relearning to self contain and self resolve issues.. i know i can.. just that it's so tempting to find someone that understands..

ah well.. not a short road to revert myself back to the person i used to be.. yes, once changed a person can never be truly be the same ever again.. but i believe that bad habits can be kicked.. and that the way i treat things or ppl can be much better though my mind that has been opened cannot be closed again..

another phase in life.. another learning..

with honors.. a show that i caught on tv today..

graduating school with honors?

how about graduating life with honors..

don't quit

when things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
when the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
when the funds are low and the debts are high
and you want to smile but you have to sigh,
when care is pressing you down a bit,
rest if you must but don't quit.

life is queer with its twists and turns,
as everyone of us sometimes learn,
and many a failure turns about
when he might have won had he stuck it out;
don't give up though the pace seems sloe
you may succeed with another blow.

success is failure turned inside out
the silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
and you never can tell how close you are
it may be near when it seems so far;
so stick to the fight when you're the hardest hit
it's when things seems worst that you must not quit.



a poem that a teacher long ago gave to my class.. can't rem who gave it but.. it has been with me ever since..

been thinking about my reaction.. why the frustration.. it's tiring.. i'm tired.. mentally and physically.. arguing tires me alot.. i don't want to.. but .. i reacted and it ended up in an argument..

i need to stop reacting.. it's not good for me or for anyone.. and it's end result is definitely not want i want..


remembering how to assess situations in terms of want i want out of it and wat i need to do to get it..

clarity is wat i need.. seeing things at its simplest form..

self doubt.. something that has always been a bad habit of mine.. get an attack of it every now and then..

i've always been stumped when ppl ask me wat i'm good at.. no ans seems to be popping into my head.. am i that insecure about myself that i don't know wat are my strengths?

Why do I always prepare myself for rejection? And always think that good things will come to an end? I fear that they do.. but it seems like as if this act of fearing brings me closer to wat I fear.. so wat do I do? Feel more secure to rid the fear so that wat I fear will happen won’t happen? How do I do that?

Waiting to see wat will happen next is always so painful to do.. no sense of control.. feels as if waiting for death sentence.. but.. another qn. Will I truly die? Maybe sad for awhile.. maybe.. will i'll end up fine? I have no idea.. but it will definitely not be the same again… sigh..

Starting to doubt whether I’m a nice/good person to hang around with.. all the insecurities.. all my irritations seem to come out with stress and the feeling of inability to do things that I see needs to be done.. I think I’m following someone’s footsteps.. the old and cranky senior..

Plunging into camp felt like I’m finally free from the moaning and gloom that I don’t know wat to do with my life.. it gave me a sense of direction and motivation.. plunging into comm… I end up degenerating in to a ball of mess.. full of actions and reactions.. where did the thinking go to.. I wonder.. have I done anything that I can be proud of? I’m afraid to ans that qn.. but I know being like a porcupine for the past yr is not easy on the ppl who cares for me.. can I make up for wat I did or did not do to/for them? I don’t know.. I hope I can.. someone show me the way.. the little lost gal here just want to find her way back home..

I know that some things are irreversible.. I just want make things right.. the child in me hopes that everything will be good and fine again..

i can't help but feel that i have done something wrong to deserve this.. but.. i don't know wat i did.. so.. how?

maybe i suck at being a good one.. and only receive and not give..

blame it all on the insecure attachments that i had as a infant..

argh.. later

sleeping in my paper nest... again.. where's eil??!

haha.. 3 more webcast to go.. aren't i good? ahahha

hmm.. but text book.. still 10 chap to go... i should just read milestones and summary right?

that's if i have time.. 14hrs to a 15% test.. argh...

very interesting how once i step into my room in pgp, i start to watch my webcast and do my readings..

well having no bed sheets is surely a deterrence to sleeping..



did i posted about my bro telling my ma that he thinks i can't find a guy who would want to marry me?

well.. my mum's harping on it again.. haha.. she say last time when she was my age she had alot of suitors even though she not pretty, how come i don't have..

well don't know why.. maybe i too scary.. not gf material.. too tomboy.. too loud.. etc..

haha.. and.. shar suggested to stalk international sch ppl.. she thinks it's the case that singaporean guys don't appreciate me.. maybe.. who knows..

see how lar.. no one will know wat will happen in the future.. maybe next time my suitors queue from jurong to changi.. hahahha.. must be longer than my mum's queue of suitors.. otherwise she say i lao ya again..


enuf of day(night) dreaming about men.. back to 10 webcast and 10.5 chap of dev..

lyrics surfing.. haha.. should be studying..

best part is.. never heard these songs before..

"Starting Today"
natalie imbruglia

Starting today I'm not gonna waste another moment
Even if I had the chance before I would have blown it
But you took me by surprise
And you caught me just in time
Everyday you give me reason not to walk away
I stop believing that the world's gone crazy
And if it is you'll save me
Starting today I'm not gonna worry about tomorrow
I'll wash away all this fear that's left me feeling hollow
Cause you made me want to try
And you caught me just in time
Everyday you give me reason not to walk away
I'll stop believing I should burn like crazy
Cos if I did you chase me

Anyway, I should have told you
So many times
That I shyed away
Somehow you always seem to
Be there, making it easy
And you give me reason to stay

Everyday, Everyday, Everyday
Oh everyday I'll stop believing that I should burn like crazy
Cos if I did you chase me
Anyway you give me reason not to walk away
I stop believing that the world's gone crazy
And if it is you'll save me

Starting today I'm not gonna waste another moment...

"The Journey Home"
sarah brightman

The journey home is never too long
Your heart arrives before the train
The journey home is never too long
Some yesterdays always remain

I'm going back to where my heart was light
When my pillow was a ship, I sailed through the night

Aaah, aaah, aaah, aaah, aaah...

The journey home is never too long
When open hearts are waiting there
The journey home is never too long
There's room to love and room to spare
I want to feel the way that I did then
And think my wishes through before I wish again

Aaah, aaah, aaah, aaah, aaah...

Not every boat you come across is one you have to take
No, sometimes standing still can be the best move you ever make

The journey home is never too long
Comes helps to heal the deepest pain
The journey home is never too long
Your heart arrives before the train

Thursday, November 10, 2005.

"i am never the favourite, the popular, the smartest, the talented, the most attractive, nor am i the most hated, the naughtiest, haughty, evil, destroyer, prankster. i am bland. as bland as water can be. and my life was too."

"how i wish my life was exciting, extraordinary.. i don't mind that it may suck like hell or there are many ups and downs in my life. some may think that i am naive, or even dumb maybe. but i don't care. at least i would have had some experiences that will be deeply imprinted in my memory, giving me guidance, shaping and defining me."

"it would be nice if someday, before we die, we can get to see a repeat telecast of wat we have done this lifetime.. to evaluate, to rejoice, to regret or even just to understand wat we have gone through from a third person's perspective.."

"the ppl that i have met, those that i remember and some that i had forgotten. the person that i was like, how i have grown and change, or didn't change. who and wat shaped me. have i done good enough, or could i have done more. all these i am very interested to know.. a video of my life"

"how long will i live? i am not sure, but i want to make the best out of it. i don't want to leave without putting up a good fight, to leave a mark on this earth"


parts of a post i posted then..

sometimes.. i think i hate getting wat i wished for.. maybe ppl shouldn't wish for things cos... getting them never seem as nice as imagining having it..

but if u were to ask if i've regretted doing wat i've done... i'm not sure.. but i'll definitely regret if i've hurt someone.. other than that? no.. i won't regret.. cos i've learnt alot from them.. maybe it is the pt in my life where i am suppose to learn them.. a journey.. not an end..

need to thank alot of ppl who stuck with me thru the periods of storm.. being understanding and accommodating.. i haven't been the best of friends to be with.. yet u are there when i needed someone.. so.. thank you..

where have i been the past year? have i forgotten who i am?

finding me..

wat's out there when i graduate?

a future unknown..

i will go where i'm meant to be.. wherever it may be..



thinking of buying the singapore dream book.. i shall.. it'll be up on the shelves on mon.. hmm.. maybe should buy on wed.. otherwise dev text will be chucked some place..

it's been a long time since i've last read anything outside textbooks..

why can't u just let go?

i need space and time to grow.. u are too suffocating..

u can't keep me by ur side forever..

thinking.. thinking.. still thinking.. i'll work all of it out..

no more on autopilot now.. manual is still the best..

i'll be back..

歌曲：眼神

歌手：孙燕姿 专辑：leave

被现实推挤
梦想会变形
执着让人
觉得好吃力

我只是看着你
了解的神情
微笑扬起
又能继～～续

有时候爱是一种眼神
赶走所有苦闷
是你让我记得自己不是一个人

有你在什么都有可能
因为彼此信任
真的爱情不需要保证(会恒温)

你从不劝我
别逆风飞行
牵手陪我
向梦前～～进

歌曲：我想

歌手：孙燕姿 专辑：leave

我忘了忘了多久没见面
你还在为那件事而翻脸
我不能改变你的平衡点
总爱往不快乐的一边陷

你给我的那张地图
已经没有快乐的路
好不好我就专程
拨个电话向你问个清楚
天黑了路不是很清楚
天亮了吹不散大雾
看不清风景的面目
我该踏出哪一步

我想我已经没有后路
只是你的帮助
我的天空一天比一天
比你更模糊
我想你一定比我清楚
我已经没有后路
只是你都看不出
我想我不能再装傻一点
瞎了眼变成看不见
我的蜕变

害怕-孙燕姿

忘
我没有很努力要自己去遗忘
那些和日记一起收藏的过往
孤单在思绪之中变得很漫长

想
我没有很刻意让自己不去想
那些和照片静止的模样
我学着坚强
坚强到不用学着不想
学着遗忘

还是害怕夜深人静时总想起你
还是害怕的不经意听见你的消息
然而当爱已经沉淀得太清晰
当拥有已经是失去
就勇敢的放弃

还是害怕一个人时就很难忘记
还是害怕突然宁愿当初没有决定
然而当爱最后的出口是分离
我会这么相信
走下去

i'm such a contradiction.. things i say.. things i do.. things i feel.. things i see..

was looking thru old posts of feb last year.. and how diff it was from the posts i have this yr.. i have gone down some self pity-ing self demoralising self denial road.. i need to get out..

my life is just great..

now.. i can't fall asleep.. i need to sleep.. i'm tired.. let me sleep pls..

伤口- z chen
我们彼此留下一个无法痊愈的伤口给对方
痛着醒来痛着入睡 _ 即使早已远离当时的战场
遗憾昨日的笑容无法出现在今天的脸上
那些模样历经沧桑 _ 宁愿提醒自己该如何学习遗忘

伤口被时间贿酪 _ 伤口让勇气沉默
伤口没收了原本属于我蓝色的天空
你还是可以温柔 _ 伤痛让我去承受
伤口竟成了如今找寻你的线索

遗憾昨日的笑容无法出现在今天的脸上
那些模样历经沧桑宁愿提醒自己该如何学习遗忘

伤口被时间贿酪 _ 伤口让勇气沉默
伤口没收了原本属于我蓝色的天空
你还是可以温柔 _ 伤痛让我去承受
伤口竟成了如今找寻你的线索

伤口被时间贿酪 _ 伤口让勇气沉默
伤口没收了原本属于我蓝色的天空
你还是可以温柔 _ 伤痛让我去承受
只是别忘了原本属于你的是我

人生数十年，朋友，你追求什么？

世上一切都要过去； 我们不过是客旅。

过眼云烟、昙花一现； 一切都毫无意义，

犹如一声叹息，转眼成空、如飞而去。

for a person who don't like ppl to see me cry..

tearing and walking around in sch with toilet paper stuff to my nose is definitely not the way to go..

been too emotional this week.. maybe i'm pms-ing..

happy day? well.. can say so..

received a verdict in the morning... from my dad.. he gave a yes... haha.. finally.. i guess we are all learning to get used to me being an adult.. well.. a first step.. a hard bargain.. i must get good grades.. haha.. how does one month in the hall equate to a confirm get better grades.. but.. i'll do my best..



good news came when i reach home too.. not that i won 4d.. well.. not that i buy either.. my ma changing job.. and she's happy about it.. so.. yar.. very happy for her.. it reminds me again how adaptable my ma is.. she just worries too much.. but.. at least now she worries less..




don't know how to make of my mood today though..


i wonder.. is my dad right about saying that i should learn when to keep my mouth shut cos most of the time it's inappropriate and the tone irritates ppl..

feeling alittle blue.. not sure why..

music didn't help.. nor did playing games..

variety shows made me laugh some.. but it was soon over..

i just feel like sleeping my life away.. but.. the dark circles don't seem to fade.. i still feel tired..

lethargy.. two days and counting..

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

maybe i'm just too rigid and myopic..

i shall not be..

camp.. psych camp..


i could still remember the time when i was in year one..

i was alone.. one person in a faculty that i don't know.. a place where i know no one.. mismatch.. a science student in an arts faculty..

not that i minded going to an unfamiliar place.. not that i needed friends to be around me all the time.. i managed fine on my own.. figured out bidding, my way around sch, the right place to go tutorials, using ivle.. it wasn't tough..

but.. going lectures and tutorials on my own... then go home when it finishes.. it all just feels too cold to me..

sch to me.. used to be a place full of fun and laughter.. if i don't know anyone, i make friends out of the ppl around me.. but.. in arts.. life alone was tough.. u see ppl hanging around their friends... u see ppl having lunch partners.. and i always felt left out.. like why didn't i know ppl earlier.. ppl i do projects with just want to finish the work.. always rushing off to other meetings or to classes.. no one seems to have time to stop and chat.. making friends was tough.. everyone seemed unfriendly and unapproachable..

i'll always be thankful to justina for asking me to go for a camp of a society that she was in..

i didn't want to go at first.. cos.. i was tired.. too comfortable in my own shell to want to go for camps.. but.. i told myself that i had to make some friends and the camp was about self awareness.. something that i am always interested in knowing..

frankly speaking, there was not much self awareness in it.. but the bonding.. amazing is one word that i will describe it.. the feeling that it is safe and ok to share your thots with ppl u don't know.. to talk about issues that u never broach to even good friends that u had for years.. i came out rich... with friends to say hi to when i go to sch.. with ppl to take classes with.. with ppl who stop by for a chat, a word of encouragement, a moment of relaxation..

i felt like i found my place in this seemingly cold university.. a place that i can belong..

camp was something that i felt i could give back wat i have gotten from this society.. a place i push myself out of my comfort zone to give.. to learn.. to provide.. to experience..

i was worried at first.. not knowing wat to do.. cos i don't know how to facilitate.. i have never been to any orientation in university.. not even o week.. so.. i compromised and told them that i wanted to be a ranger.. to act freshie for the first day gives me enuf time to be comfortable enuf to interact with them..

the three days were like a whirlwind.. i didn't know if wat i did was right or not.. all i remembered was planning before camp wat we the facils hope to do for our grp.. wat kind of souvenir we can give them to take back.. pre camp was tiring.. but we still stayed up whole night to think of how to bond the grp.. thinking of cheers and games.. and soon, it was over.. ribbon ceremony was unforgettable.. you see a bunch of tired faces.. but.. they say the sweetest things.. touched was wat i felt.. i didn't know wat i did.. but.. hearing how they felt about the camp.. made me feel like i did alot.. like i have a part to play in giving them the experience they had..

some of the campers told me.. that they never knew that they can make friends like this.. that it was a very memorable experience.. some say they were very glad to have made the decision to come, otherwise they would have missed out on this wonderful experience.. they no longer feel lost in this big sch.. that they have found a place they can go to.. that will always be there for them.. some thank the organisers.. the most touching thing of all.. is to hear ppl saying that they too want to come back to help in the camp any way they can, to be like the facils.. to give ppl the experience that they have gotten..

giving back is only something that ppl do when they have received...

and giving back.. wanting to see the same experience being given to everyone else.. the care and warmth that was felt.. the sense of belonging.. was wat that has kept me going.. i know wat i do may not be enuf.. but.. every small action counts.. and ppl will see it.. no matter how minute it is.. it is the heart that counts... a simple action can change ppl's lifes.. and i want to change it for the better..

a simple camp.. may not be that simple after all..

with that same purpose i joined psych camp.. the comm..

i admit.. i do get lost and frustrated now and then.. but.. i have never forgotten that goal.. it is always at the back of my head.. that wat i do can give ppl the chance to make their lifes alittle better.. and.. the knowledge there are alot of ppl out there.. who believes in us.. who also wants to give back .. who are always there to support to get help from.. it shows that.. they too, have been touched.. it's not the superficial thing that matters.. but the heart.. and.. ppl do feel it..

so.. for the ppl.. strive on..

personal touch always wins over the flowery stuff.. looking good and nice is not enuf..

your destiny is to be a Provider

Whether you know it or not, this is the role that is most in tune with who you are at your core. As a Provider, you have a genuine nurturing concern for the welfare of others and you're eager to serve them. You can recognize exactly what people need and your friendly, helpful, social nature makes them feel comforted. With your kind and generous heart, you are personable, talkative, and outward with your emotions, and your openness and sensitivity makes you concerned about the way others view you. Along these lines, be careful not to blame yourself when things go wrong. You cannot prevent bad things from happening, even though your tendency to be orderly with a strong sense of right and wrong may lead you to believe you can. Accept that you do what you can to take care of things and that this will get you far in the world.

my incapability to feel sadness used to bother me... sometimes i wonder is the emotion suppressed somewhere..

now.. i just accept it as part of me.. and try not to say or do anything that would harm ppl unintentionally..




intentional walking away and hurting someone... did it once.. yar.. cowardly i guess.. too immature... not wanting to face the issue..

i tend to run away from problems or fears that i think they are too big..

power play... miscommunications... misunderstandings.. feeling of being in the right.. the qn of do u care enuf and wat do i mean to u... the belief that others should take the first step..

generalizable to other parts of my life? yes..

have i done anything about the situations when i was in them? some yes.. some no..

why? good qn...

more to think about..

my goal.. clarity of thoughts and actions..



a reflection on my term.. did i achieve wat i set out to?



sigh.. sometimes i think i talk big.. but actions small..

was irritated when i was treated like a child who didn't know better.. not a very mature thing to do.. but a very ingrained mechanism of defence..

guess i was more angry with the fact that i'm irritated..

it's ironic to be a uni student and have no clue of wat is the education system is like here.. wat's left of 15 yrs of education is the vague memory of wat it was like when i was in pri sch, sec sch, jc and now uni.. almost oblivious to wat is going on in the education 'world'..

had a great time catching up on the education scene here.. moe website really have everything.. very easy to get lost in the myriad of info it contains.. can't seem to bring myself from leaving the website.. very comprehensive.. whether it is a look nice thing for ppl.. i don't know.. but... if i want to find out about wat education is like here.. it's one website i won't miss out..

haha.. i wonder if they'll pay me for the advert..


time to write my essay..

don't do or say things that you don't mean... it sounds very fake.. i rather that u don't say anything.. if u really want to care and understand.. you will take the effort to find out.. don't do the superficials.. cos it says very little of u..



haha.. a relatively vague post... maybe it's for a particular person.. maybe its for the rest out there that are guilty of it... who knows..

i'm playing with ur mind..


think only talked about it with body.. so.. for those who worry that i might be talking about u cos i misunderstood and don't dare ask me.. ask her.. hhahahhaa.. but i doubt friends i make will want to try to be fake with me..

wah.. just realised that it's really a test of determination if u want to know wat's on my mind.. haha.. cos.. firstly.. u must have enuf perseverance to find her.. secondly.. if u pass her filter and end up on the 'can tell' list.. then u are worthy of the ans that u want to find out.. oh.. and u have to factor in her blurness.. tough.. but well.. there's an easier route.. find me lor.. i'll tell u.. hehz.. your choice..

hor body, i always give choice one.. and even help lay out the pros and cons.. hahahhaaha..



i don't pick up fakeness that well.. not too sensitive to it.. but there are fakeness so stark that i cannot ignore..

if u have been fake with me and i don't know.. it's ok.. just don't let me know.. i'll be quite upset.. haha.. self denial, yes.. but a protection mechanism from jadedness and cynicism..

bazaar..

pre bazaar preparation was hectic.. rushing here and there to buy things.. trying to spend the right amount of money to be reimbursed..

it is no joke walking around the whole of clementi with five 2.8m long bamboo poles.. everyone was staring.. never knew canvas and emulsion paints can be so heavy.. well can't be compared to the 13 litres of paint i bought from art friend.. i almost had to lug that back home..

me and body wondered where all the guys in the society went... how come get 3 gals to carry a pile of heavy things back..

finally when we settled down to banner paint, it was super late at night.. and we had 4 banners to paint in 10hrs.. with only 6 ppl to paint them.. and we had to do stock taking.. demarcating of stalls.. and meeting vendors..

it was suppose to be 4ppl staying over to do all that.. but thank goodness body and amanda stayed over to help too.. and best friend too, who stayed as late as he could.. otherwise on bazaar day everyone will see 4 dead ppl lying on the walkway of as6..

the painting was fun.. alot of stupid comments floating about.. talking about disproportions of the gal on the banner and our efforts on 'righting' them.. and as usual.. everyone kenna paints here and there.. think the cleanest person is guan heng cos we force him to go and sleep.. otherwise the next day no one has the brain power to handle the bazaar..

think i too kia su... buy so much tidbits until we cannot finish.. and the cup noodles and all.. haha.. shall eat when i mug in sch..

bazaar day itself was.. how to say.. disasters occurred one after another.. but the day ended well.. everyone that was there the night before were all rushing about to make sure that things are ok and to settle all the hiccups that are occurring.. it was a miracle that we pulled thru first day with no sleep and all..

second day was also a heart attack day with more electricity trips.. wires burnt.. ants.. complains.. and osa.. but we managed and had fun shopping for presents for ppl who had helped alot..

the last day was more or less ok.. more shopping.. had good chats with the vendors.. they seem quite happy.. think shar got the most out of this bazaar.. haha.. she got herself a god mum.. thanks to me.. hahah..



wah.. long long post.. think LTC later.. anyway still sorting thots out..

alot of thots on LTC.. in the process of sorting out..




with no more genes classes and little activity left to do.. will be making med lib my permanent home.. any mugger to be want to join? haha

probably a clearer explanation of my unhappiness over last thu's incident..

it's not that ppl can't tease me.. or joke about me..

just that.. i do or don't do some things cos of my principle or that i have my reasons and choose to/not to do things.. so i don't appreciate it when ppl do things in my name..

u can do wat u want to do.. tease and joke.. just don't use my name to do things that i won't do..

well.. i know ur good intentions and don't mind u all having some fun over it.. so.. yar.. just don't use my name to do things k..

When You Believe
Many nights we prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understood

Now we are not afraid
Although we know theres much to fear
We were moving mountains
Long before we knew we could, whoa, yes

There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
Its hard to kill

Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe somehow you will
You will when you believe

In this time of fear
When prayer so often proves in vain
Hope seems like the summer bird
Too swiftly flown away

Yet now Im standing here
My hearts so full, I cant explain
Seeking faith and speakin words
I never thought Id say

There can be miracles
When you believe (When you believe)
Though hope is frail
Its hard to kill

Who knows what miracles
You can achieve (You can achieve)
When you believe somehow you will
You will when you believe

They don't always happen when you ask
And its easy to give in to your fears
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see the way, get through the rain
A small but still, resilient voice
Says hope is very near, oh

There can be miracles (Miracles)
When you believe (Boy, when you believe, yeah) [Though hope is frail]
Though hope is frail [Its hard]
Its hard to kill (Hard to kill)

Who knows what miracles
You can achieve (You can achieve)
When you believe somehow you will
Somehow you will
You will when you believe
[You will when you]
(You will when you believe)

[When you believe]
[When you believe]


The Extra Mile
Countless eyes are watching
In this our finest hour
It's time to realize the dream
Of who we really are
I'm gonna freeze this space in time
Rise to make the call
Cease the moment
Make it mine
And through it all

Straight as the arrow flies
I will run towards the finish line
With all the strength I've found
My feet won't touch the ground
I will scale the heights if I believe
The wings of faith will carry me
I'll go the distance just to reach
The arms I'm running to
I'll go the extra mile for you

I know it won't be easy
To make you understand
I want to take the glory
And put it in your hands
'Cause your the light that makes me shine
You're the hero in my eyes
Win or lose
Do or die

Straight as the arrow flies
I will run towards the finish line
With all the strength I've found
My feet won't touch the ground
I will scale the heights if I believe
The wings of faith will carry me

I'll go the distance just to reach
The arms I'm running to
I'll go the extra mile for you
(Go the extra mile)
In the end
(Go the extra mile)
I want to be able to say

Tell the world to see

I would do it all again
I'd go the extra mile

Straight as the arrow flies
I will run towards the finish line
With all the strength I've found
(All the strength I've found)
My feet won't touch the ground
I will scale the heights if I believe
The wings of faith will carry me
I'll go the distance just to reach
The arms I'm running to

I'll go the extra mile
For you

Knowing it will be worth while
I will go the extra mile
For you


didn't know that the extra mile was a pokemon sound track.. faint.. so spoil effect..

updates come later.. sleep come first..


anyway.. something to ponder on after going for briefing for LTC..

'choice does not mean i get to do whatever i want. it means, given the context that i am in, what choice can i choose to move towards my goals.'

so.. wat is ur goal? and wat choice do u think that u can make? or are u paralysed by the situation that you are in?

most ppl never stop to think that there are choices to be made in every single action that they take. (if u don't include reflex action and the theory that there is no free will)

yes.. context is set.. but.. u are not.. i think that's the beauty about being a thinking being.. the brain is powerful.. use it.. other ppl's brains are powerful.. use theirs.. no problem can't be solved.. unless u restrict urself or don't want to solve it..

i choose therefore i am?

usually.. ppl tend to just react to things/context/ppl that will trigger a response.. why not after the trigger, pause and choose... then give a response.. instead of reacting.. do things differently for a change.. u might end up with some outcome that u will never dare imagine..


another something from the briefing..

showing anger or excitement is a sign that a value or belief is in the process of changing.. or that it is being challenged/violated..

and i thot back the past months.. and... i realised i have been slowing changing and becoming someone that i not quite like or know.. sigh.. no good.. shall try to drop the animosity i feel.. complain less.. do wat i can do, not just wat i need to do.. my choice.. i guess.. this is wat i can be in control off and will not regret...

i never regret being put in situations that sucked but i will regret if i don't do something about it..

don't ask me why.. i do not know wat's behind the belief that i should/need to do.. maybe i'm just plain stubborn..

oh.. but... think my briefing gave me an ans that i find seems to ans my inability to sieve from my unconscious mind why i don't know why i do the things i do..

my trainer said..

belief is formed two ways.. repetition.. or.. emotional experience..

maybe mine's repetition?


still quite amazed that even though i was 1hr and 10mins late for the 2hr briefing, wat was being said in that 50mins can let me think about and reflect upon so many things.. i am lucky to have the chance to experience the LTC..

i'm a lucky gal who don't stike toto.. i strike gold.. and it's priceless.. i have a collection of lovely golden ppl and golden experiences..

ppl are always chasing after ideals..