control dramas

the poor me
most passive of all is the victim strategy, the poor me. in this drama, rather than competing for energy directly, the person seeks to win deference and attention though the manipulation of sympathy.

when ppl enter the energy feild of a poor me, they are immediately drawn into a particular kind of dialogue in which we are pulled off center. out of the blue, we begin to feel guilty for no reason, as though we are being cast into that role by the other person. the individual might say, 'well, i expect u to call yesterday, but u never did,' or 'i had all these bad things happen to me and u were nowhere to be found.' he might even add, 'all these other bad things are about to happen to me and u probably won't be around then either.'

depending on the kind of r/s we have with the person, the phrases might be shaped around a wide range of subject matter. if the person is an acquaintance, the person may just pull u into a conversation about how rotten life is going in general. dozens of variation exist, but the basic tone and strategy is the same. always it is some kind of bid for sympathy and an assertion that u are somehow responsible.

the obvious strategy in poor me drama is to throw us off balance and win our energy by creating a feeling of guilt or doubt on our part. by buying into the guilt, we stop and look thru the other person's eyes at their world, allow the person to feel the boost of our energy addad to their own and so feels more secure.

this drama is almost completely uncounscious. it flows from a personal view of the world and a strategy for controlling others adopted in early childhood. to the poor me, the world is a place where ppl cannot be counted on to meet one's needs for nurturing and well being and it is too scary a place to risk persuing these needs directly or assertively. in the poor me's world, the only reasonable way of acting is to bid for sympathy thru guilt trips and perceived slights.

unfortunately, because of the effect on the wold of these unconscious beliefs and intentions, very often the same kind of abusive ppl the poor me fears are exactly the ones that they allow into their lives. the universe responds by producing the kind of world the person expects, and in this way, the drama is always circular and self validating. the poor me is caught unknowingly in a vicious trap.

the aloof
a slightly less passive control drama is the aloof's. we know we have entered the energy feild of someone using this strategy when we begin a conversation and realize we can't really get a straight answer. the person we are taling to is distant, detached, cryptic in her response. if we ask about her personal background, for instance, we get a very vague summary, such as 'i traveled around a bit,' with no further elaboration.

as we have this convo, we sense that we have to ask a follow up qn, even for the simplest of inquiries. maybe we have to say, 'well where have u traveled?' and we receive the reply, 'many places.'

here, we can clearly see a strategy of the aloof. the person constantly creates a vague and mysterious aura around herself, forcing us to pour energy into digging to get info normally shared in a casual manner. when we do this, we are intensely focusing on the person's world, so giving her the boost of energy that she desires.

we must remember, however, that not everyone who is being vague or who refuses to give us info about herself is an aloof drama. she may just want to remain anonymous for some other reason.

using this distancing stratergy to gain energy is a method of manipulation that seeks to lure us in, yet keep us at a distance. if we conclude that a person just don't want totalk to us, for instance - and so we shift our attention elsewhere - very often the aloof will come back into interaction with us, saying something designed to draw us back into the interaction so the energy can keep flowing her way.

as with the poor me, the aloof strategy comes from the situations in the past. usually, the aloof could not share freely as a child because it was threatening or dangerous to do so. in that kind of environment, the aloof learnt to be constantly vague in communication with others while at the same time finding a way to be listened to in other to win energy from others. it is also a set of unconscious assumptions about the world. the aloof believes that the world is full of ppl who cannot be trusted with intimate info. she thinks the info will be used against her at a later date or will be the basis of criticism.

the interrogator
a more aggressive control drama, one that is pervasive in modern society, is that of the interrogator. in this manipulaion strategy, one uses criticism to gain energy from others.

in the presence of the interrogator, we always get the distinct feeling that we are being monitored. simultaneously, we may feel as though we are being cast in the role of someone who is inadequate, or unable to handle our own lives.

we feel this way cos the person we are interacting with has pulled us into a reality where he feels that most ppl are making huge mistakes with their lives and he must correct the situation. for instance, he might say, 'u know, u really don't dress well enuf for the job u have,' or 'i've noticed u don't really keep ur house very neat.' criticisms can include anythign, it really doesn;t matter. anything will work as long as the criticism throws us off balance and makes us unsure of ourselves.

the uncounscious strategy is to point out something about us that gives us a pause, hoping that we'll buy into the criticism and adopt the interrogators view of the world, and thus giving him energy. the interrogator's aim is to become the dominant judge of other ppl's lives so that as soon as interaction begins, others immediately defer to his worldview, providing a steady flow of energy.

this drama springs from assumptions that the world is not a safe or orderly unless he is watching everyone's behaviour and attitude, and making corrections. in this world, he is the hero, the only one paying attention and making sure things are done carefully and with perfection. usually the interrogator comes from a family where parental figures were absent or not attentive to is needs. in this insecure void of energy, the interrogator gained attention and energy in the only way possible: by pointing out errors and criticizing the family's behaviour.

the intimidator
the most agressive control drama. we can tell when we enter their energy field by not only feeling drained or uncomfortable, but also unsafe and perhaps even in danger. the intimidator will say and do things that suggest she might erupt in rage or violence at any moment. she may tell stories of harming ppl or show us the extent of her anger by throwing things across the room.

the strategy is to win our attention by creating an environment in which we feel so threatened we are totally focused on her. when someone gives off the impression that she might go out of control or do something dangerous, most of us will watch this person carefully. if we are in a convo with such person, we usually defer to her perspective quickly, giving the boost of energy she desperately needs.

this strategy is usually developed in a past environment of severe energy deprivation, most commonly involving r/s with other intimidators who are dominating and abusive and where no other strategy to win energy back. the world the intimidators sees is one of random violence and hostility. it is a world in which one is lost in supreme isolation, where everyone rejects and no one cares.



this is a portion of a book that i read a long time ago.. very interesting..

i used to be quite the aloof.. but now.. mellowed liao.. and sometimes the interrogator comes out a bit...


what are u?