frustrated.. with wat is going on or the lack of it..

maybe i'm angry with everyone.. maybe i'm angry with myself.. but i don't and can't sit and watch something that we have so painstakingly built up to be destroyed by the inaction of others.. and i myself cannot sit back and do my own stuff when it's happening..

a part of me feels that it's my fault.. for not taking up the role when i had the chance.. that's why i'm doing all i can to try and make it work.. by worrying and doing things that are outside my scope..

another part just feels that i cannot leave things as they are when i see that it can be improved.. we never know until we try to do something to improve that situation.. i don't want to give up without a fight.. maybe.. just maybe.. another small act could make the situation better..

but i know that i am tired.. and this cannot go on.. it must end somehow and soon.. sense needs to be knocked into everyone.. and order needs to be restored..

been somewat resting and doing work.. haven't been sleeping well/enuf..


bidding is as sucky as ever..

not going to do counselling liao.. too much things next sem don't think i can cope with counselling's workload...


sigh.. some ppl have no manners and don't know wat is call respecting ppl.. disappointed that ppl can be so ugly.. from the inside..

i am reminded why i don't really like going grandma's house when my bro and geok are not going.. got bombarded with qns from my uncles to my aunties to my cousins.. no fun being twenty plus..


yet again my father proved that he is totally unreasonable..

detached: not involved or concerned; aloof.

a dictionary's definition..

the qn is.. am i?

i've often wondered about how much i can feel for people and for situations.. my emotional level never goes pass a certain level.. and that's not a high level..

i find my actions and the way i speak dramatized.. cos most of the time i do not feel as strongly as wat my actions and words conveyed..

everything seem not to concern me so much... sounds scary huh?

it's much better now.. trying to engage more.. feel more.. be more attuned to my emotions..


side note.. think my mum is jealous of my friends..

went out for a walk in the afternoon.. suddenly realised that for more than 3months i have not gone to jurong entertainment centre.. the ticketing box office changed from level 1 to 2.. new toilets.. new stores.. to think that it is less than 15mins walk from my house..

sometimes ppl rush by their lives too quickly.. the world is too fast paced for me..

finally.. i'm going to have a more than two days break from society's stuff.. welcome back sleep, tv, relatives, family, long-time-no-see friends, books, rest!!


sigh.. pocket's empty again.. don't like.. argh..

revising budget for a whole day, in sch while it poured for the whole day and night was no joke... didn't finish until it was two am in the morning.. freezing our butts off.. talking rubbish.. bitching..


been talking alot today.. don't know if i should have or wat effects it will have on ppl but i'm glad things are out in the open..


so much has happened this year.. think i can say it's eventful year bah..

funny thing how i blog less when it's hols than when i have sch..

been having meetings after meetings.. never really did have a good rest.. tired..

still sick.. been pushing meet ups again and again.. sigh.. feel lazy too.. and no money liao... i'm a poor kid..

my thots are so random! the sleep bug's getting to me..

why do i always have busy friends???? don't like.

today's sun..

have been coughing and voiceless for a week.. think i'm developing six pack muscles from all the couhing..

i've been going to sch almost everyday even though hols have started.. damn no life.. and i haven't packed my room and file my this sem's notes..

doesn't seem like a holiday to me..

went for abc concert.. wasn't much fun.. probably cos i was sick..

it's very sad to see ur mum waving and swirling lightsticks and blowing the whistle when all u could do is clap..


meeting was very long.. alot of work to do.. my pub ppl are going to kill me..

to do list for now.. so empty.. click on it to see wat i have..

things done today.. mopped floor.. clean up cd rack..

such an uneventful and normal day..

finally it's over.. still don't know how i fared over all though.. very unsure this sem.. but hey, hols are here.. i shall just relax till my results come..


it's very sad to lose ur voice at the start of your hols.. i am very suay.. haha probably thats the result of going tcc with a sexy voice and after the oreo mocha frappe and 'over' baked chicken and 6hrs of talking..


i love it when my mum's not mad at me.. hahaha


for those with no more papers to clear, come look for me, i'm very free!!

for those with papers to clear, good luck for your papers!! the end is near!!

oreo..

always feel good after eating them.. think i have alot of thots and feelings associated with it..

i vaguely remember that i used to call it the black army biscuit.. cos when i was young, my cousin will bring these black biscuits back from camp and give them to us..

love the bitter taste of the biscuit.. and plus the cream.. just right..

i'm an oreo addict..

lethargic..

argh.. damn sucky to have sore throat when u know that in two days time u'll be free from sch.. and drinking water doesn't seem to help.. been drinking bottles of them.. until i want to puke.. i have a feeling this is only the start.. starting to feel achy too.. think a fever might be coming.. sigh.. bad luck..

argh.. haven't read a single page today.. i suck..


oh ppl.. module pref start liao wor.. and it's ending on 11th dec.. if u are taking the counselling mod pls tell me which class.. i also taking..

my mods every sem seem to line themselves nicely for me.. gonna love next sem's exam dates.. have two to three days of break b/w each exam.. can studying comfortably..

next sem's mod:
bio psych
personality and individual difference
social cognition
counselling skills

really couldn't get anything done when i'm at home.. up till 2pm i had nothing done.. but once i step into sch.. i covered 1 1/2chaps of adol..

nvm.. i shall try again tmr.. don't believe my self discipline so low..

jap paper's over... very glad.. confirm no more jap for me.. can't take it.. shiong ah..


realised that when i have alot of time to study for exams, i tend to read too much.. everything needed and not needed i also go and read.. not like when i don't have time.. just grab wat i think i need.. and the best part was.. think i don't miss out too much when i just grab, i still can ans the qns.. guess i'm more effective when i'm short of time.. think i have more time to feel insecure when i have too much time.. that's why keep reading and reading even though i think i don't need the materials that i'm reading.. so i guess it'll do me good if i just play my next sem's study break away and then start studying a day or two before huh? hahaha.. think i'll stress everyone out if i keep playing..

ah well.. exam's gonna be over soon.. another sem passed.. so fast.. another year and i'll be out of sch..

2 papers down and 2 more to go.. wah.. this is fast..

oh.. wrote damn passionately about how freud contributed to counselling views and insights.. haha.. machiam pro-freudian.. too bad i can't get back my exams scripts to show all of u..

a litttle worried about my grades cos didn't really know how well i did for the exams and all my bloody papers are still not marked yet.. that's why i say sim is the best.. totally student friendly..


sidenote.. really need to stop finding entertainment in suaning my body.. the poor gal had to kenna suan-ed by me the whole day.. like i am getting a whole week's worth of entertainment cos that how long i didn't see her.. definitely don't want to be army rations..

the woman didn't tell me wat time to wake her up tmr.. i know i'm her brain but this is too far fetched.. and i don't think she'll want to tell me tmr wat time she want to wake up tmr right? sigh.. why is it like i owe her alot in my past life? hai.. ren ming bah..

i know exams started last sat.. but mine starts tmr.. so.. good luck for exams ppl!! haha.. so egocentric..

yupyup.. two papers tmr.. been reading and reading counselling stuff.. don't know if it will work.. think i really turning into a mugger..

and yes, we shall go tcc on the 4th dec!! oops.. do u think we should wait for my body and her darling?

haha.. this is one of the days that i'll say that i am a genius.. i revived my laptop!! don't know why i so lucky but yar... it's up and running.. maybe my laptop wanted me to concentrate on my studies so it purposely didn't work for 5 days..

but i'm happy.. hahha.. cheap thrilling..

i feel so handicapped without a com! argh!!

ah well.. another thing good about having friends to study in sch with u... can borrow com to blog..


yesterday ended with best friend and i going home before the sun set..


my dad reminded me why i like not going home..


anyway.. didn't realise i was so tired.. i set the washing machine and went to read my notes thinking that i'll hang the clothes when it's done.. however.. after finishing one page, found myself alittle tired and wanted to rest for a while and continue later on.. but once by head hit the bed, i was gone till next morning.. it was 9pm lar.. and i woke up at 10am.. haha.. wat a pig..


today is another day in sch.. suppose to mug.. think me and shar talk too much.. hahaha

yesterday was so unproductive.. only managed two pg.. spent the morning walking from biz canteeen to engine canteen to buy breakfast.. then slept all the way to evening to wake up to go bathe at kent ridge view.. finally got hot water.. i was so contented..

then went for dinner at munchies.. had alot of fun chitchatting and hearing stories..

then back to the store we went.. still chatting.. realised that ppl around me have very 'not normal' life.. like something that you would see when u switch on the tv.. and it can even said that they might win best sitcom if their life was filmed and shown... brings me back again to the pt that my life is too normal.. but then again.. like wat best friend says.. do i really want my life to be not normal? to be more eventful? ppl tend to crave simplicity.. and yar.. sometimes when things starts coming, they never stop..

oh.. something else.. even shar sees that i slip into the i don't feel like talking mood more and more often now.. don't know wat's wrong with me lar.. maybe it's just a passing phase..

think we all chat too much.. non of us studied alot.. and shar went home last night with only a half watched webcast which she fell asleep watching.. and best friend... kept dozing of in the middle of the night reading the cmn coursepack..

but yar.. best friend suddenly become very awake when we went to law in the early hours of the morning to make ourselves professor.. hahhah.. so fun to be sneaking around in sch..


damn.. the key pad of mac is so nice to type on... i want mac black!!!!

i wish money will fall from the sky and into my room.. only.. wat are the chances of satisfying both conditions? probability of zero..

ate cup noodles and watched 'over the hedge' instead of horror movies.. haha.. shar say she still want to go toilet after watching movie, so no horror film..

then everyone slept and i tried to read some.. end up falling asleep on the table.. not a nice position to sleep.. my neck didn't feel right when i woke up.. they are stil sleeping... haha.. win my afternoon sleep..

poor body still have to rush paper.. tsk tsk.. this sem never hand in a single one on time hor.. enuf of the nagging.. jiayou bah..

seems like tonight i'll be staying over alone.. shar and best friend going home... calling everyone! haha.. anyone want to join me and stayover in sch? make shift bed for sleep and tables for mugging available.. location close to biz canteen.. has aircon.. and has enuf 'privacy'.. so wat are u waiting for? join me!!

haha.. think i'm going mad..

showering in the morning at src was no fun.. there wasn't any hot water to begin with and the huge fan at the top kept blowing so hard at me.. freezing.. think i came out of the shower in record time..

haha.. been a pig the whole afternoon.. slept right after breakfast and woke up just in time for dinner.. shall start mugging liao..

this the store is a cosy place to be in.. now we have 3 tables and 2 makeshift beds.. didn't know we could squeeze so much things inside..

we'll be watching exorcist later for break from mugging!! yippie! haha.. think i'll be conditioned to like mugging from now on..

not very productive today.. but it was alot of fun.. got to rest and recharge a bit..

my laptop spoilt on me!!! after i restarted it, it black screened on me.. won't start up.. argh!!! damn sad..

waking up at seven plus to queue up at the front door of the library and mad rushing to get a discussion room was an unique experience..

ppl were all chionging up the stairs when the door finally opened.. made me wonder how i got the discussion room when took my time to take the lift up..

anyway.. day two of mugging begins..

the floor of the store is bloody cold.. freezing my butt cold.. had to wear a sweater and put towel into the sleeping bag to keep myself warm..

the temperature outside super cold.. good thing we are in the store..

things never go as planned.. even for muggers club's first event..

minrui gone missing.. suspected that she got stolen by SOMEBODY.. well.. quite expected bah..

sharon's down with fever.. resting at home for today.. will be back for mugging tmr.. i hope..

and we didn't get the discussion room.. damn... ppl are so kiasu.. tmr must line up at the front door before 8am..

anyway.. first time staying over in sch to mug wor.. shows how much i've changed.. can't even imagine me doing such a thing in sec or jc.. the slacker has been reformed..

more coming up on mugging in sch's episode..

the wheel is set.. the mugger's club's first event.. camping over in sch whole of next week..

almost trip when i walk up the stairs.. second time liao.. almost had the lift door closing on me.. almost poke my eye.. i'm turning hazardous.. been getting tired easily of late.. maybe that's the reason..


feel alittle weird at casey's party.. won't have if jia didn't keep pointing out that a certain someone kept looking my way.. think she too sensitive.. but yar.. 5 yrs liao.. so don't think his actions are anything more than just a habit kind of thing.. did a bit of looking myself.. he didn't change much.. still cracking his lame jokes.. ah well.. the past..


finally the body is of the same age as the brain.. congrats! hope u had a great b'dae celebration..

Money Money Money
-abba-

I work all night, I work all day, to pay the bills I have to pay
Aint it sad
And still there never seems to be a single penny left for me
Thats too bad
In my dreams I have a plan
If I got me a wealthy man
I wouldnt have to work at all, Id fool around and have a ball...

Money, money, money
Must be funny
In the rich mans world
Money, money, money
Always sunny
In the rich mans world
Aha-ahaaa
All the things I could do
If I had a little money
Its a rich mans world

A man like that is hard to find but I cant get him off my mind
Aint it sad
And if he happens to be free I bet he wouldnt fancy me
Thats too bad
So I must leave, Ill have to go
To las vegas or monaco
And win a fortune in a game, my life will never be the same...

Money, money, money
Must be funny
In the rich mans world
Money, money, money
Always sunny
In the rich mans world
Aha-ahaaa
All the things I could do
If I had a little money
Its a rich mans world

Money, money, money
Must be funny
In the rich mans world
Money, money, money
Always sunny
In the rich mans world
Aha-ahaaa
All the things I could do
If I had a little money
Its a rich mans world



haha.. my kind of song..

been staying in school till late to study for the past week.. and there are plans of staying over next week.. we are mad..

see how..



oral test die again.. sigh..

verbalising my thots make them clearer..

another day of ppl ignoring me.. how much more of it can i take?

and frankly speaking.. it's getting on my nerves!!!!!! argh!!!!!!!


i think i finally gave up on waiting for ppl.. they can appear or don't appear as they want to and i am not going to bother anymore..

my wisdom tooth is killing me.. and my father is peering over to look at my screen.. how discreet..

need to work out some things that i'm feeling.. confusing.. not sure why..

maybe i'm just too used to talking to u often.. that i being to feel weird when we don't talk.. when i don't see u.. when i don't a response.. when u don't tell me things.. maybe i expect too much.. don't think i am a very possessive friend.. but don't know why it looks like it now..

i don't expect to be your best friend.. cos i believe that there is no real 'best friend', best friends are a myth.. r/s between friends are all different and is hard to compare one to another.. so.. i'm confused..

i need to learn not to expect.. to take things as they are.. and be happy about any progess..

i've always believed that things that ppl encountered in their life shape how they response to the things they meet later on in life.. fascinated by how a seemingly simple action, thot or non action can bring about a huge change in ppl's life.. that's why i studied psychology.. i want to know how the mind works..

i love talking to ppl too.. cos i get to see a different world through wat they say and how they think.. haven't met two ppl who are the same.. behind every face, there is a person inside who had experienced many different things.. with thoughts that u'd never imagine them having.. doing things that u never thot someone could do.. things that u couldn't believe things that could have happened to anyone happened to them.. that's wat makes life interesting for me.. to find out the story that each person has.. and it seems too.. the story is never ending..

i used to want to seek the true self in ppl.. but too idealistic in this world.. now.. i just look at the different facets that a person has and make it a collection of some kind.. is there any occupation such as a life story collector?

anyway.. i'll be in sch studying tmr.. so find me for lunch or dinner if u are there..

not that i don't want to tell u wat's wrong.. just that.. i don't even know wat's wrong with me.. haven't been feeling too happy today.. but fon't know why.. and don't know how to label wat i'm feeling..

once again.. it shows how undefined and unclear my world is..

been criticizing, complaining and judging alot lately..

thot that part of me has already been toned down some wat but.. apparently.. it came back again.. and the environment and situation that i am in sort of fueled it somemore..

still want to change that.. be more caring.. more encouraging.. seeing the good part in things that ppl do and not jump into the all so familiar judging and criticizing.. but it seems like i am not on the road that would bring me there.. and i dislike it.. dislike the way i automatically judge and criticize..

and complaining was all that i have been able to do.. nothing constructive to help the situation.. don't know how come i become like this.. all this are making me feel worn out cos.. these things are not wat u will classify as positive actions.. tired..


i want to run away.. detach myself from this messy place and live in my own happy world..

first time in a long time.. i'm truely broke.. cashflow problem.. not that it is like stuck somewhere that earns me interest.. probably one of the reason that irks me..

there i things that i expect will drag.. but the there are also dragging in places where i did not anticipate.. so.. yar.. the lady here is hoping that money will drop from the sky..

another lesson learnt about handling money.. must plan further and anticipate the unexpected.. and keep track and regulate the money i have..

the thing about stress

it's been a long time since i heard someone say i don't look stress.. well.. though, if i have not forgotten.. no one said i looked stressed..

i know i feel it.. but sometimes.. i think i'm not quite aware if i have it or not.. haven't really defined it and not quite sure the symptoms.. but think when i get easily irritable it's more or less due to stress or the lack of sleep..

but yar.. shall observe myself more to see when i get stress and wat i do when i am stressed.. find some good stress coping strategies cos alot of bad life habits are aquired during the time when ppl learn how to cope with stress..


hmm.. realised that there are lot of emotions and things i feel but have not been labelled properly.. so machiam like when i feel something.. but can't really put a finger to it to say that 'yes i am feeling this or that'.. and maybe cos of the lack of vocab to accurately describe how i feel bah..

i did something really stupid yesterday..

went to memorise the hardest conversation for jap (2 long liners) thinking that it was the convo that we are suppose to memorise and act out in class.. the thing was so bloody long lar, was complaining all the way while memorising.. and i had 3hrs to do it..

only 10mins after stepping into the class.. i realised that i had memorised the wrong one and that it was an easier one liner convo.. argh.. and with half an hr to memorise it before it was my turn to act it out infront of the class..

so yar.. tan-san.. don't go and oboemasu the lesson 25's convo.. wrong one sia..

long long meeting...

see adol, think adol, breathe adol..

publictity's outing was fun! haha.. love my pub-bers.. alot of familiar faces.. hope the new ppl are not intimidated.. but i have a feeling it will be great working with this bunch of ppl.. fun, spontaneous and quick minded ppl.. quick until i kenna suaned during the outing.. haha.. but it's ok.. very long time never kenna suaned liao..

many thanks to all the lao laos and the comm ppl who came down for the outing too! thanks for taking time out to be there, helping out and facilitating the ppl for me.. otherwise we would not have had such a wonderful outing..

hope this vibe in the subcomm will be able to transmit itself to the whole psych soc and the psych ppl in sch!



more work to do to keep this up.. must ganbatte..

think technology is failing.. haha.. messages keep getting lost in transcript..

ok.. heaven has aircon..

well.. at least my body says so..

just realised that i hadn't had a good conversation for a long long time after today's nice long chat in the canteen.. for the past month or so, the things that had been going thru my head were just things that i saw in front of me that needed to be done, be solved.. no wonder my head felt so heavy..

not that i didn't talk to ppl but.. just didn't had those that make me think and ponder on things that are deeper.. things that make me question myself about.. things that i have not been aware of.. and working my mind to think about them brings my mind to a clear and sharp state... well.. at least i feel that it is..

no idea why but my mind seems to love this kind of things.. maybe i should have taken philo.. erm... on second thoughts.. no thanks.. will die writing..



it is very disturbing to find urself taking out the store keys when u are standing in front of ur house door..



pls don't say hurtful things to ppl u love.. it hurts deep..

wat will happen, will happen
wat won't happen, won't happen..

i won't let anything happen



haha.. study until sot liao.. but the above is suppose to be in chinese.. something stupid that i thot about to amuse myself..

ktv was great.. another round of english songs with old old self made mtv.. haha.. welcome to the english singing gang sooli!!

think i'm the only one that selects chinese songs..

best discovery.. ah ya's chua bing ge!! gets ppl supper high.. hahahaha

conclusion of the day: i get super cranky when i have not enuf sleep, a headache and am made to wait.. totally not a good combi..

sorry for scaring ppl today and spoiling mood..


sigh.. i don't know... my temper is getting shorter and shorter it seems.. patience seems to be fading away from my dictionary.. maybe i've been waiting for too many ppl for too long..

then again.. it's not really the waiting part.. not really about the ppl being late part.. i've waited for more than an hr for ppl and my temper was still fine.. i think it's the waiting aimlessly and end up finding myself in a situation where my wait was for nothing, that actually i don't have to wait and could have done something else durint that waiting time that bothers me.. maybe is the left hanging feeling that i don't like..

waiting is not a nice feeling..


not angry.. just something that i realised..

downstair's having resident's night by the RC and next to it is a malay family having their birthday celebration..

i have no idea how someone can allow two events to clash like that.. and the music from both side are getting louder and louder.. and trust me.. they don't mix well..

so much for racial harmony..

they have started using the new clementi bus interchange liao and closed the old one..

so ppl go to the new one to take bus to school k? don't blur blur go to the old one..

for those who don't understand the dialect..

the short ad is about the aunties boasting about how accomplished their children are, the high pay that their children are getting and how busy they are.. then when they came to the last aunty, she didn't say much, just said that her son is coming to fetch her to go on a trip.. and that everytime they will bring her along for trips..

Petronas CNY 2006 Ad

recommended by louisa..

makes you think about wat is more impt in your life..

u know that the people around you are muggers when central library turns into the no.1 place to go on a date

glad that hell month passed.. finally got time to breathe..

i have decided to be hardworking from this week onwards and come school to study everyday.. so expect to see me mon to saturday in the central library studying till ten or later.. might come down on sundays too..

learning to study for life.. not for the moment..

want to thank alot of ppl today..

big thanks to...

sooli who drove me out to holland v for lunch and back to sch..
yunxian for helping me proof read to see if it was a 'sw paper'..
justina for answering my one thousand and one qns on the paper..
teresa for her suggestions on conclusion of the paper..
sharon for ever so patient to edit the horrendous piece of paper..
body for being there.. online.. replying though she is busy..
eil for her 'jia you' sms when i needed it most..
chin han for ur encouragement too!

ohoh.. and thanks to sam i have bei bei mian dinner!!! came all the way from hall to give me..

wah.. do one paper also can get so many ppl involved..

wat's it with the freaking floor????? if i don't mop it today will die is it? it's not like i am outside having fun or wat.. i have been putting myself in this bloody store to finish a bloody paper ok!! not play! which part of it don't u get???

yes, i know i told u i would do it today but i really don't have time.. i know wat a promise means.. you don't have to so harsh to me... and i freaking don't always find excuses for watever things i didn't do.. there is something called valid reasons ok???!!! maybe nothing is valid in ur eyes.. maybe watever i say u think is rubbish that i am just finding some excuse to cover my ass.. but i'm not..NOT.. do u get it?

why do i even bother to ask? of course u'll never get wat i mean..

how come i don't enjoy solitude anymore?

am i too used to having company?

i used to do things wherever and whenever i like.. not thinking about who is doing it with me.. now.. i feel uncomfortable when i'm all by myself doing things..

i think i need a break.. from everything and everyone.. to think.. to find back my balance..

i no longer know wat i'm doing is right or wrong..

i'm lost..



it's very hard to argue over msn.. i guess there are some things technology can't do..

very arguementative this few day.. don't like..


argh.. i don't know wat's wrong with me.. and nothing's helping..

haven't been feeling too great lately (today)..

from a third person's pt of view.. i think my mood can be said to be a bit depressive..

don't know wat's wrong with me.. just feel like hiding somewhere and not doing anything..

i need help.. sigh..

writing essays are no fun..

i wonder why i'm in arts.. sigh..

ppl tend to fall back into wat they are most comfortable with.. exploring unknown areas is not an easy thing to do.. the uncertainty.. the fear..

usually i wait for ppl to tell me things.. ppl are only willing to tell how much they are comfortable to divulge..

maybe if i were to put it simply..

to remind myself of wat i did, wat i did not do and wat i could have done..

to remind myself not to do the same thing again..

well.. it's not really that wat i wrote was encrypted.. just couldn't find the right words to say it..

sitting at the back of the room listening to sw's internals brings back memories of my own..

things i've done and said cannot be changed.. but the feeling of regret still lingers..

looking at the internals from a bystander's view, widens my mind, not really mind.. but cannot find word to say..

accepted the outcomes.. trying to do my best and hope that things turn out well..

u asked me why i put the rope there.. i put it there as a reminder..


side note.. cheryl looks very ugly fanning herself with the mushroom fan..

totally tired out.. sleeping only 4hrs a day is no joke.. can die ah..

but happy that i finally finish the paper..


one more to go.. don't know how long i can last if this continues..

one late paper.. considering my past record.. think this it the best already.. shall hand in sw paper on time..

was a busy busy week.. been in sch till 11plus everyday.. doing society stuff.. doing hw.. or attempting to do so.. very tired..

been quite snappy and mean too..

really need some rest..


on a lighter note.. some things never change..

eight months have passed but weird/interesting/funny (how should i classify them?) things still happen when there is us huh? in just one week.. sightings in the library.. eil's surprise ice cream 'cake'.. sw agm.. running after last bus when we thot there was no more.. but this time a bit freaky.. haha..

wallet? handphone? pendant?


ooohhhh... wanted to post about my day with mum the other day.. totally hilarious..

it was her first official driving-with-approval-without-dad day too.. therefore the two little siao zao bo were so happy driving on their own to orchard with shopping in mind and no male supervision..

along the way, she kept praising herself for driving so well and giving comments here and there about some lousy driving we saw.. haha.. very yaya.. made me pengz with laughter listening to her..

and she was cheap thrilling at the carpark.. keep driving in and out of the parking lot so that it is hundred percent straight.. cos she said since we had all the time in the world and no car behind to rush her, must park nice nice mar.. think we at least went in and out ten times before she's satisfied with it..

a fruitful trip.. hadn't had such fun time with mum for a long time..

tired ah....

sitting in a hospital waiting with a newspapper in the hand.. one can know alot.. for a non-shopaholice to know more than two shopaholics about vivocity.. u can imagine how much info i got from the papers..


oops.. fell asleep while blogging this post.. guess i'm really tired out.. anyway.. let's continue..


think i'm gonna die for my forensics paper.. how to crap up 5 page of stuff?? somemore there are very few books about my topic..


sitting in sch and looking at the small dates printed on the receipts are really torture for the eyes..


can conclude that our 'attempt' at a surprise celebration for eil went quite well despite a lack of cake and time.. mint ice cream rocks!! hahaha

the comments hurt.. but not as much as they used to..

i believe i have given up on seeking ur praise and approval..

throat hurts.. very tired..

today's meeting was so loooonnng... 10am to 6pm.. sit until butt rot.. but discussed alot of things..

though weather was bad, we had alot of fun at mid autumn festival.. play alot of games and made ourselves silly.. ate alot of food too.. and i manage to catch last bus! haha..

ok.. cannot make it liao.. shall sleep..

finally got the chance to breathe a bit after yesterday's test..

i forgot how simple and straight forward sicence gem test can be.. but it also makes it scarier cos u don't know how much to write..

ah well.. 2 more papers to go and a pri sch essay to write.. and an agenda to think thru..



haze is bad.. visibility is low.. yesterday's walk to the bus stop looked like i was in some dream land with that fogginess.. the throat is starting to hurt.. hope my ma is ok.. asthma ppl don't do too well with polluted air..

yupyup.. so ppl, take care! drink more water and wear a mask! hahahaha

i was very touched just now by wat u said.. just paiseh.. so keep saying i write very simple..

but.. yar.. thanks..

it would have been hard to imagine that two ppl who are so different can make friends with each other and stand by each other when shit poured for these past few months..

i remembered telling someone this some time ago.. that if it wasn't for the tonnes of things that keep cropping up during our course of interaction, our friendship probably won't have come this far.. cos we are so different.. the world we live in.. the ppl we know.. the way we think.. the way we perceive things.. the way we were trained when we were growing up..

but yar.. life is unpredictable and nothing is impossible i guess.. hahah



wanted to copy a poem on friendship that i found many years ago, so went to flip my autograph book...

didn't realise / or i might have forgot that i have left a trail in so many ppl's lives and theirs in mine.. touched beyond words by wat some wrote.. and others.. they just bring me back to the time we met and the things that we went thru together..

my book of memories..


anyway.. the poem..
to you and every one of my friends out there..
and if u are wondering if u are one.. yes u too!


Knowing You
i wish i could say
exactly what's in my mind
but words seem too foolish
so i write them instead

i have something to tell you
i really want you to know
just how special you've become
as i watch our friendship grow

i used to worry about what to say
and if you judge my thoughts
but since you've gotten closer
most of the insecurities were forgotten

i haven't really told you
what difference you made
and i'm so glad i have met you
so glad i've stayed

just thinking of you
brings a smile to my face
and sharing things with you
makes it feels like a safe place

some people touch life
and never really know
the strength that is given
when the heart can grow

i am better of knowing
the person you've shown me
i am wearing your smile
and wish you could see

so, though i mght not say
knowing these words are for you
a little foolish.. maybe
but true

great.. i'm going crazy.. so says the two woman sitting beside me...

sigh.. really cannot make it liao.. maybe i'm really going crazy... maybe..

this poster making thing is argh!

this shows how much 'creativity' i have.. i need my creative ppl!!! where are u all??

damn hard to do anything without a sub comm.. so.. join me! haha.. all are welcome.. best is come with IT skills.. know designing...

i am desperate!!!

sigh.. somebody.. save me..

i'm tired of arguing with u.. why do u always think that u are always right.. and i don't need sarcasm in my life.. don't u know respect must be earned.. not just cos u are 20 over years older than me means i must respect u.. if u don't do or say things that command respect... wat do u want me to say..

happy.. things are looking good!


HMM..
alright.. i take it back..

我正在了解　这世界　让每天成为新的起点
我会　走向前　不让自己再回到昨天

i'm sorry.. sorry for messing up.. for giving so much trouble..

To learn they cannot make anyone
love them. All they can do
is let themselves be loved.

To learn that it is not good
to compare themselves to others.

To learn to forgive
by practicing forgiveness.

To learn that it only takes a few seconds
to open profound wounds in those they love,
and it can take many years to heal them.

To learn that a rich person
is not one who has the most,
but is one who needs the least.

To learn that there are people
who love them dearly,
but simply have not yet learned
how to express or show their feelings.

To learn that two people can
look at the same thing
and see it differently.

To learn that it is not enough that they
forgive one another, but they must also forgive themselves.



i have much to learn..

i remember the times when my mum would tell me that she turned down headhunters' offers of better job positions cos she was afraid that she wasn't capable and that she don't think she was up to those jobs.. citing that she is just a sec sch educated, that her spoken and written english is very lousy.. and i also remembered i told her that she should have taken them up for i think that she can handle them and that she has a very good attitude towards work and things like english can be trained.. and that she should have more confidence in herself and that since ppl see that she has potential for the job she should at least have tried it..

never would i have thot that one day i would face a similar scenario that my mum had and did the same thing that she did.. and i didn't know how little confidence i have in my capabilities until i was standing up there .. not knowing wat to say.. and all i could feel were my insecurities..

you've asked if i have any regrets.. yes, i have.. i regret not giving myself a chance.. i regret letting down the ppl who thot that i could do it.. i regret not having faith in myself.. and in the ppl who believed in me.. and i am very sorry.. sorry that i disappointed..

if there was anyway i could reverse time...
but i couldn't..

好后悔好伤心想重来行不行
再一次我就不会走向这样的结局
好后悔好伤心谁把我放回去
我愿意付出所有来换一个时光机

i'm sorry for not trying..

think i had a mini breakdown just now..

sigh.. well.. think i brought it upon myself.. the 'should have's...



i really SHOULD HAVE finished adol paper earlier..

i

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

i

简单爱

说不上为什么 我变得很主动
若爱上一个人 什么都会值得去做
我想大声宣布 对妳依依不舍
连隔壁邻居都猜到我现在的感受
河边的风 在吹着头发飘动
牵着妳的手 一阵莫名感动
我想带妳 回我的外婆家
一起看着日落 一直到我们都睡着
我想就这样牵着妳的手不放开
爱能不能够永远单纯没有悲哀
我 想带妳骑单车 我 想和妳看棒球 心意
想这样没担忧 唱着歌 一直走
我想就这样牵着妳的手不放开
爱可不可以简简单单没有伤害
妳 靠着我的肩膀 妳 在我胸口睡着
像这样的生活 我爱妳 妳爱我
想 简！简！单！单！ 爱
想 简！简！单！单！ 爱

a simple love.. a simple life.. possible?
simplicity is so hard to attain..
life is never so simple...
maybe that's why i like this song..
the simple things in life that we yearn for..

i love maths cos its so definite..

spent some time thinking today.. fruitful.. clearer..

though end up with more things to ponder about, they are non-conclusive kinds.. so.. yar.. need to keep them in mind.. a check list for me.. i guess.. something to work towards..



still haven't been doing adol critique..

yesterday was a hectic day.. with 3 jap lessons and agm to top it off...

alittle disappointed by the turn out of the agm.. had fewer ppl than expected.. time was a constrain.. think longer pub time needed.. and as wat many had said yesterday.. need to find ways to attract ppl..

loved the video.. thanks chris.. didn't know we had so many weird and funny photos.. think it worked right? ;p

standing in front of the LT and talking to a grp of ppl using a mic is quite unnerving.. half the things i think about when i was sitting down was forgotten once i take hold of the mic and stand in front.. felt alittle clumsy standing there not knowing wat to say..

haha.. i think i know why they say i sound drunk.. but really.. this is wat i am like when i am talking seriously and when i am thinking things thru in my head and trying to articulate them out.. and i tend not to speak too clearly when i say them.. think they associate it with me being drunk cos after some drinks i tend to talk about serious stuff.. but they all think i talking gibberish cos i usually don't do that..

anyway.. hope i didn't sound stupid when answering the qns..

right.. according to cheryl.. i looked like a flasher and sound drunk when i made my speech during the annual general meeting of the society...


more updates on agm hopefully..

love sim.. definitely my fav lecturer..

adol paper.. how to finish on time? i have no idea..

i should start charging for all the wake up calls that i give...

and also charge ppl for letting me wait..

happy happy birthday to sharon!!

haha.. like wat kyle says '9 more yrs to expiry date..'

very sorry u have to wait for ur present..


why am i typing this? cos today is the first time this sem that i brought my laptop to sch!! haha.. ok enuf of my sleep deprived state post... too high liao..

if everyday was like yesterday.. can i survive one yr of it?

i
definitely not a happy day today.. and not a productive one either..
i

counting down to the day i step down and step up again..

happy? sad? anxious? i don't know... just hope it comes quickly and ends quickly.. cos most of the unknown will be cleared out, allowing me to make my choice..

feelings of being in the old comm and running for the new one..

hopeful.. see alot of wat can be done with time to plan, enuf manpower.. a new start.. alot of responsibility for new comm.. little unsure of how/wat i can contribute.. need to work out my thots more.. alot to think about...

alittle sense of loss.. cos ppl that i have been working with for the past half a yr will no longer be there in the comm.. everyone seems to be looking forward to the day they hand over.. but for me.. it is still a qn mark.. celebration? don't know.. definitely happy for them.. for me, maybe too.. a bit hard to share that feeling with someone cos no one's in the same situation as me..

well.. to end.. putting up a phase that i have been hearing quite often recently.. 'see how ah.. see how..'

oh my.. i really have been pms-ing these past few days..

do i think too little about things?

just realised how uneasy ppl get when i stop talking for long period of time.. but just wasn't in the mood to.. talking seems to take up alot of energy today.. haha.. maybe mood swing ah.. don't know..


i wonder how i would be able to reach tampines on time with two bodies..


cheryl is the crappiest woman i have ever met.. daphne... if u ever do read this... she is more crappy than me! though she says that u won't believe it..

not in the mood to do anything.. very sian..

i have no idea why i must go check the newspaper just to see who is the one person who was expelled from fass.. and it is like 1 in 5000 ppl.. not like i would know the person right? so wat if i bochap? u don't have to be so sarcastic..

been hitting the bed for the past two day once i reached home..


disapponted by the outcome.. but still laughing at the 'for the record, i wasn't waving at him'..


felt like a sore thumb at the 'get together'.. a couple of stressful moments but pulled thru with some stupid comments and dongdong's help.. though i would not have been in them without his 'help' too.. haha.. well.. it's ok.. had a good time chitchatting after the official time passed..

and again.. we can see the huge difference between the two depts.. the level of support given.. sigh.. maybe they really do bleed ice..

capability comes with doing..
u will never know if u r capable till u start doing it..
and only when u do it..
if u fail..
then do it again..
learning is never gonna stop in life..
if u done well.
then hey..shows that you had wat it takes..
and perhaps more than wat u tot of yourself


something vi told me some time before.. been wanting to put it up but kept forgetting..

the tiredness still has not left me.. for don't know wat reason, been having the urge to sleep and sleep.. sharon says my body is smart.. cos it knows that it is not going to have one yr of sleep so it is stocking up..

and.. yar.. sch had started for a month and i still do not feel like the sem has started.. seem to be like floating about for class.. and yar.. lagging behind readings as usual.. need to get back to sch mode.. and finish my critque and other papers soon before the shit starts pouring down..

finally, after the long wait.. it is approved.. very happy for cheryl cos she has been waiting for it for so long..

9 more days to her freedom.. not totally but half the weight will be off her shoulders and land on, hopefully, ten capable ppl..

and some reminded me that it would be 9 days to the start of my 1 yr in hell..

but still.. glad that things are moving.. the future is still unknown... anything may happen.. but for now.. just happy..

even though arrows were not really shot but just a miscommunication.. it got me thinking.. can i take one yr of this? one yr of being thrown things that i may not have answers for but still am expected to solve them?

well.. at least i can have ppl to turn to when it happens... at least luckier than boss who had to handle them all by herself..

like wat my bro say.. there is alot of things that i need to learn..

sometimes... i feel that my bro is older than me.. more worldly.. and i on the other hand, had lived on my own little planet for too long..

my wisdom tooth has been bugging me for quite some time.. kept growing and stopping.. and everytime when they grow, the gum swells.. eating is a chore... hard to enjoy..


amazing that we could have finished buying wat we wanted before class starts... alright.. we were half an hr late.. but haha.. very lucky considering our predicament then..

walking from sci to arts to get a cab and go to pasir ris is no fun.. and my goodness.. very ex.. which reminds me.. need to pay shar..

staying over was great.. especially got food when we all were starving.. fell asleep on the chair half way thru the night.. cannot make it.. very tired..


don't know why still so tired.. the other day also fell asleep while waiting for ppl to reply me.. body half slumped over my chair, the bed and a stool..

think i turning into my body..

have been feeling quite tired this week.. as if my energy is leaking out from somewhere..

maybe it was the late nights... maybe it was jap tutorials.. maybe it was the arrows that are flying around..


interesting thing someone said to me today.. 'don't mind means there is an element of wanting in it'

true..

why would i want? a qn that i have been asking myself ever since i have decided.. the ans still eludes me..


i need some good rest.. to clear my head.. think about the issues that i have put aside for so long.. and go qn myself about wat i want to do..

finding my balance between soc stuff and school work..

more arrows.. getting used to it already..

like wat i have told some ppl.. my decision was made, not very long ago but.. yar.. was made.... just have to think thru some things and making sure..

darren's my new best friend!!

alot of arrows flying in my direction... good or bad?

flight 93.. courage..

21hrs of sleep concludes prep camp for me..


a fun and crazy night..

project presentation was good.. alot of fresh and interesting ideas to listen to.. glad i was there.. though alittle sad i miss forensics... but was worth it..

walking around school at night was refreshing.. love the coolness and calmness that the night brings to me..


alot of fun / funny moments..

our bimbotic moments at the bread dispensing machine...

my super high-ness throughout the night..

poking body when she least expected.. her scream can wake up the dead i swear..

drinking chocolate milk that taste like goat milk.. and laughing our heads of at the thought of 'goat milk'..

competing with louisa at brisk walking up the long long slope..

chasing after disgusting ppl who took the car with a slipper in my hand..

the expressions that ppl give when they can't talk was damn amusing.. very hard to not to laugh out loud when u are not allowed to talk..

watching cheryl laugh nonstop while sitting at macs eating breakfast.. she siao liao.. completely lost it..




we shall see wat happens at agm..

sleeping at 5am and waking up at 7 plus am... plus 3 lessons of jap...and project discussion till 9 plus pm... is not good..

think i'm certified brain dead..

looking good..

i'm happy.. really really.. seeing hope..

think i'll have a fun time at prep..

running for office..

starting to feel the heat..

prez? vp? treasury?

never really thot of these 3 positions.. of course it would be nice to be prez of vice.. but the things they need to handle.. not easy.. and moreover the skills needed for prez... i don't think i have them.. treasury work.. alittle jaded but if need be... i'll take it up..

i be super happy if cheryl's running... don't dare to tell her that though... don't want to give her pressure.. i know she suffered alot this past yr and.. don't have the heart to put her through it again.. but quite optimistic that this time would be better.. well.. up to her liao.. but really hope she will..

seems like my self awareness is still not high enuf.. and i'm very green at politics and ppl strategies..

ppl can only go up, cannot come down... haha.. still amazed that i never see that..

i understand more about myself thru the ppl around me..

alot to think thru.. alot to digest..


though i probably shouldn't say this but.. i really hope u do.. we'll pull through together..

today's a good day! haha..

some things pop up last min but we managed to pull thru.. but mai hiam buay pai.. nothing in this world ever goes smoothly right..

as usual, sleep late and wake up early.. but since today just doing labour intensive things like buying stuff, cutting bread, buttering, shredding chicken and eating.. still can handle..

temper not so good today though.. was alittle cranky.. didn't realise it until cheryl asked.. i thot i was cool with waiting today.. cos used to waiting liao but today something wrong.. maybe weather too hot.. hahah... good thing never last too long.. otherwise my body freak out..

was very entertained the whole of afternoon by two guys.. haha.. they have cheaper thrills than my body!! can u believe that??!

glad that everything went well... that food was enuf.. that ppl came.. that ppl took time off to help.. that ppl enjoyed the food and chat.. that ppl are interested..


welcome tea's a good start.. i hope it continues..



seems like the no. of ppl i'm indebt to are increasing at an alarming rate..

why suay things always happen to us?

japanese class was... well.. just say that i need to revise more..

my body left me hanging again with instructions and alot to do..but she bringing ice cream back! haha.. i'm so easily bribed..

hope welcome tea goes well..

i'm just too tired..

i miss the long night chat i had with my cousins.. who will understand wat goes on in my house better than them..

no need for explanation.. no need to wonder how they will interprete the comments i make.. cos we all understand wat's it like to grow up under our parents and relatives.. some are luckier, while others have a tougher time... the stereotyping that we get and the exceptations that they have of us..

some found their way of interacting with their family by getting used to the method of parenting used by their parents, or even manage to get an understanding between them and their parents.. knowing wat is expected and where they stand.. but me? i don't know..

i seem to only manage to get by each day without feeling too out of place... unsure of wat i'm suppose to do.. wat is expected of me.. there seem to be no way of finding a set of interaction pattern that i can use everyday.. i'm still trying to find it but they seem so volatile.. one day like a friend.. another day a dictator.. and sometimes a stranger..

sometimes i wonder if i'm the problem.. everyone seems to be doing fine except me.. may be i am not sensitive or observant enuf to find out wat my family is like.. wat they want and need.. how they do things and react to situations.. don't know of their preferences, their habits.. maybe i have been living in my own world for too long.. and it is time for me to wake up..

the world doesn't revolve around me.. everyone has a part to make it a better place..

i'll try to understand.. see things from their point of view.. don't just react when they do or say certain things but think beyond the harsh words and reflect upon wat they really mean..

i hope i can.. not possible for things to change if i keep doing the same things right?

wah.. concussed on my sofa while msning at 1plus.. semi remembered climbing into bed..

slept for 15hrs.. amazing..

it was so nice just to see and talk to ppl i haven't seen for so long..

ppl have grown somewat but somethings never change.. haha

spent $20 on cab today.. but really cannot make it.. if i take anymore travelling i would have concussed..

well.. it's between saving energy and saving money...

never comment that ur dou hua taste sweeter than my body's..

u will get to hear a weird arguement about something like the dou hua is impermeable so the sugar water stays on top of the dou hua making it sweeter.. so in order to make dou hua less sweet, u should break it up into smaller pieces to increase the surface area..

hahaha..

my body lost it... she totally lost it..

haha.. i don't want to know if it is high or low..

the chilling out today was great.. we should do it more often.. a pity eil and chin han cannot come..

just realised that it has been a long time since i last spent time with my mum..

been busy with alot of things and when i have some free time.. i just wanted to chill by myself.. so yar... never really try to find time to spend with her..

then now she is going to be busy with more work.. and i think i'll be busy for quite some time.. sigh..

sometimes life really pass us by very fast... how many of us out there are living fast forwarded lives?



will the life i think i want be wat i really want?

sch has started for two weeks and i still don't feel like i have settled down quite comfortably.. thing seems to be flying past me but my head is unable to process them.. really need to get things going.. feel like a headless fly..

good thing we having bimbo outing tmr! haha.. seems like it's the only thing that is cheering me up.. hope everything goes well..

k
i have decided.

finally.

alot happened recently.. money problems with the dept... psych soc problems... sigh..

why we so suay, i don't know...

the money issue.. nothing much i can do.. try to help as much as possible.. but damn irritated by it.. well.. it proves that there are disgusting ppl in this world.. feeling a bit useless.. can't think of anything to help solve the problem.. big big problem.. this whole thing is so screwed up.. i don't know wat to say..

psych soc.. sigh.. another one.. prep's coming and... a few signed up but not enuf.. the constant worry about who is taking over is argh! alittle frustrating.. cos ppl are not making up their minds fast enuf about wanting to commit to the soc or not.. well.. not that i came up with my decision to run or not yet.. been thinking about it for too long.. not good.. when had i become so slow at making decisions? but there is alot to consider.. things like.. am i competent enuf.. will my presence affect ppl who might consider running.. will i be able to contribute to the society.. or are there ppl who are more capable to do it.. too many things to consider.. or am i thinking too much? don't know wat to think..
fan ah..
haha.. the funny thing is.. i am contemplating to go ask a god.. don't know why but really.. well.. haha.. proves that humans when they have no where to look for ans.. they find something which can tell them.. hence necessity of god..

alot of thinking to do..

alot of readings to catch up..

alot of things to revise..

alot of work ahead..

haha.. went to do the test yx had on her blog.. interesting how by merely answering a few qns a person can tell u wat ur personality is.. pop psych..

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

bring it on!



though i might regret.. but.. hey, wat is life if there is no fun?

those coming to the table to watch show.. get from me my bank acc no. so that u all can pay me for the entertainment u are receiving..

control dramas

the poor me
most passive of all is the victim strategy, the poor me. in this drama, rather than competing for energy directly, the person seeks to win deference and attention though the manipulation of sympathy.

when ppl enter the energy feild of a poor me, they are immediately drawn into a particular kind of dialogue in which we are pulled off center. out of the blue, we begin to feel guilty for no reason, as though we are being cast into that role by the other person. the individual might say, 'well, i expect u to call yesterday, but u never did,' or 'i had all these bad things happen to me and u were nowhere to be found.' he might even add, 'all these other bad things are about to happen to me and u probably won't be around then either.'

depending on the kind of r/s we have with the person, the phrases might be shaped around a wide range of subject matter. if the person is an acquaintance, the person may just pull u into a conversation about how rotten life is going in general. dozens of variation exist, but the basic tone and strategy is the same. always it is some kind of bid for sympathy and an assertion that u are somehow responsible.

the obvious strategy in poor me drama is to throw us off balance and win our energy by creating a feeling of guilt or doubt on our part. by buying into the guilt, we stop and look thru the other person's eyes at their world, allow the person to feel the boost of our energy addad to their own and so feels more secure.

this drama is almost completely uncounscious. it flows from a personal view of the world and a strategy for controlling others adopted in early childhood. to the poor me, the world is a place where ppl cannot be counted on to meet one's needs for nurturing and well being and it is too scary a place to risk persuing these needs directly or assertively. in the poor me's world, the only reasonable way of acting is to bid for sympathy thru guilt trips and perceived slights.

unfortunately, because of the effect on the wold of these unconscious beliefs and intentions, very often the same kind of abusive ppl the poor me fears are exactly the ones that they allow into their lives. the universe responds by producing the kind of world the person expects, and in this way, the drama is always circular and self validating. the poor me is caught unknowingly in a vicious trap.

the aloof
a slightly less passive control drama is the aloof's. we know we have entered the energy feild of someone using this strategy when we begin a conversation and realize we can't really get a straight answer. the person we are taling to is distant, detached, cryptic in her response. if we ask about her personal background, for instance, we get a very vague summary, such as 'i traveled around a bit,' with no further elaboration.

as we have this convo, we sense that we have to ask a follow up qn, even for the simplest of inquiries. maybe we have to say, 'well where have u traveled?' and we receive the reply, 'many places.'

here, we can clearly see a strategy of the aloof. the person constantly creates a vague and mysterious aura around herself, forcing us to pour energy into digging to get info normally shared in a casual manner. when we do this, we are intensely focusing on the person's world, so giving her the boost of energy that she desires.

we must remember, however, that not everyone who is being vague or who refuses to give us info about herself is an aloof drama. she may just want to remain anonymous for some other reason.

using this distancing stratergy to gain energy is a method of manipulation that seeks to lure us in, yet keep us at a distance. if we conclude that a person just don't want totalk to us, for instance - and so we shift our attention elsewhere - very often the aloof will come back into interaction with us, saying something designed to draw us back into the interaction so the energy can keep flowing her way.

as with the poor me, the aloof strategy comes from the situations in the past. usually, the aloof could not share freely as a child because it was threatening or dangerous to do so. in that kind of environment, the aloof learnt to be constantly vague in communication with others while at the same time finding a way to be listened to in other to win energy from others. it is also a set of unconscious assumptions about the world. the aloof believes that the world is full of ppl who cannot be trusted with intimate info. she thinks the info will be used against her at a later date or will be the basis of criticism.

the interrogator
a more aggressive control drama, one that is pervasive in modern society, is that of the interrogator. in this manipulaion strategy, one uses criticism to gain energy from others.

in the presence of the interrogator, we always get the distinct feeling that we are being monitored. simultaneously, we may feel as though we are being cast in the role of someone who is inadequate, or unable to handle our own lives.

we feel this way cos the person we are interacting with has pulled us into a reality where he feels that most ppl are making huge mistakes with their lives and he must correct the situation. for instance, he might say, 'u know, u really don't dress well enuf for the job u have,' or 'i've noticed u don't really keep ur house very neat.' criticisms can include anythign, it really doesn;t matter. anything will work as long as the criticism throws us off balance and makes us unsure of ourselves.

the uncounscious strategy is to point out something about us that gives us a pause, hoping that we'll buy into the criticism and adopt the interrogators view of the world, and thus giving him energy. the interrogator's aim is to become the dominant judge of other ppl's lives so that as soon as interaction begins, others immediately defer to his worldview, providing a steady flow of energy.

this drama springs from assumptions that the world is not a safe or orderly unless he is watching everyone's behaviour and attitude, and making corrections. in this world, he is the hero, the only one paying attention and making sure things are done carefully and with perfection. usually the interrogator comes from a family where parental figures were absent or not attentive to is needs. in this insecure void of energy, the interrogator gained attention and energy in the only way possible: by pointing out errors and criticizing the family's behaviour.

the intimidator
the most agressive control drama. we can tell when we enter their energy field by not only feeling drained or uncomfortable, but also unsafe and perhaps even in danger. the intimidator will say and do things that suggest she might erupt in rage or violence at any moment. she may tell stories of harming ppl or show us the extent of her anger by throwing things across the room.

the strategy is to win our attention by creating an environment in which we feel so threatened we are totally focused on her. when someone gives off the impression that she might go out of control or do something dangerous, most of us will watch this person carefully. if we are in a convo with such person, we usually defer to her perspective quickly, giving the boost of energy she desperately needs.

this strategy is usually developed in a past environment of severe energy deprivation, most commonly involving r/s with other intimidators who are dominating and abusive and where no other strategy to win energy back. the world the intimidators sees is one of random violence and hostility. it is a world in which one is lost in supreme isolation, where everyone rejects and no one cares.



this is a portion of a book that i read a long time ago.. very interesting..

i used to be quite the aloof.. but now.. mellowed liao.. and sometimes the interrogator comes out a bit...


what are u?

science centre has never cease to amaze me..

think i can spend the whole day in it if i have the time..

argh! i can't stand it!! he's like a total control freak..

why must i finish my studies and learn how to earn money first before i can go some country with my friends?? it's not like i'm going europe tour or wat.. it's just taiwan on valueair...

when will i ever grow up if i keep having all these airbags that he put around me??

i am suffocating..



totally ruin my mood..

die.. think my body found my weak pt..

well.. lets just say i have no guts to 玩到底...

BUT.. i just might play with her if she push me some more.. just to not let her have the satisfaction.. so.. i scared ‘放马过来.. 要玩我就和你玩..’ will pop out from my mouth.. cos... haha.. frankly speaking.. i don't think 我玩得起.. but this kind of thing... haha.. hard to say.. i might be the person that is laughing at the end..

all my modules seem quite interesting.. but first lec only.. we shall see..

ado is good.. still like sim alot.. but he scareded us a bit lar.. hope i get his tut class..

jap is as funny as usual.. i miss yamaguchi sensei.. but haha..my lecturer was my tutor from japan and singapore sia.. very cute with the way he talks..

sw lec was quite interesting despite initial moaning and groaning when the lecturer was finally revealed.. prob cos my interest in the topic made me pay more attention..

forensics is machiam like the night entertainment class.. more funny than the many sitcoms of channel 5..

i am a little frustrated cos i can't get wat someone is saying... and it has been bugging me for awhile..

most of the time.. i have no problems comprehending ppl.. but he is really... i don't know how to say.. i just don't get him.. i think he stifles me.. and i don't like the way he starts off when he talks.. it sounds.. well.. it doesn't sound nice.. too direct and in a not nice way.. bringing his pts too strongly across for my liking.. a little hostile..

probably cos he sounds so much like my father when he talks that's why i seem to auto shutdown whenever he's talking bah.. but.. irritating cos.. i should be processing what he is trying to bring up.. and i want to contribute during discussions but.. this 'argh' feeling keeps coming up and it becomes worse when he is sitting opposite me.. and i can't be coherent when i feel pressurized cos he seems to be quite critical of wat ppl say and suggest.. definitely not a friendly person during these times...

i don't know wat i can do.. starting to feel dumb and useless..

ppl from the dept should just drop dead and die.. especially the big head angmo..

if the gay don't help us.. he'll be cursed..

think this time i bo pian need to shop..

realised i lacking quite alot of thing..

the thing now is.. who? when? where? wat? how much?

looking thru my past entries brought back alot of memories...

still remember the time when i first started blogging, i didn't anticipate to have any friends come reading it.. it was solely for the reason of writing down my thots somewhere that i can safely keep and look thru when free..

posts were few and sporadic.. thots.. many and posts were long.. haha.. have pondered thru quite a few issues.. and they usually were done during times like today.. where i sit down in my living room.. just me and my laptop.. no one else to distract me.. just background sound of the train running pass and the occassional passing of a vehicle.. and my mind is clear..

didn't quite get this calm and clear feeling when i was posting for the past few weeks or maybe months though.. too much things to think about, too much things to do.. too much not really meaning that there is no time but just not enuf energy left to just sit peacefully and quietly to just blog..

alot of expriences in these few months.. like a pressure cooker.. probably learnt more in these few months than i did in years.. did it injustice by just describing the events that occured.. i've gained alot.. loss? maybe a little.. but the loss.. is not up for me to decide.. i can't control how people think and interpret wat i do and wat opinions that they form of me.. only time will tell..

definitely no regrets.. and if i were to live my life again.. i won't change anything.. not even the people i've met or the events that had occured..

people might have diff reasons for wanting to blog.. but me.. i just want to keep my memories alive and relive them when i have time..

oh~.. haha..

my body has that chinese quote on wall somewhere in her house wor~.. some more comes complete with english translation..

haha.. so qiao.. maybe i do have psychic power ;p

but yar.. haha.. maybe u are predestined huh?

so.. well.. expect more shit to come ur way i guess?

love coming back to sch.. love the table.. though now it is at LT14 temporarily..

sch is so alive when term starts.. can't wait for lectures to start!

see u peeps at the table!

wat better way to start sch than with a bang?


a bang on the head that is..

finally.. gotten someone to help me translate the chinese that i wrote.. yesterday? or was it the day before? nvm..

so the translation is:
before a great mission is given to u.. u gotta go through the school of hard knocks and suffer to learn so that u can handle this big thing..

thanks vi for the nice layman translation!

why is it that for so long i still haven't been able to like him more than just how much i would like a random person on the street?

why is it that i could dislike someone that i have been living my whole live with?

why for 21 yrs he still don't know wat i want?

it's not like i want the stars that are in the sky.. i just want a little more care and concern.. alittle more understanding.. alittle less sarcasm.. less ordering about.. less flaring of temper.. less judgement..

and stop doing things that u think is so great but no one appreciates.. and go around asking 'why u don't appreciate wat i do? do you know i have done alot for you?'

is that too much to ask for?

wat would i do without vi?

i would kill for softer tissue..

my nose is raw..

天将降大任于斯人也，必先苦其心志，劳其筋骨...

probably this is wat my body is going thru..

hang in there..

my body cannot make it liao.. gave me temper today.. aching all over... worse than being hit by a bus.. (haha.. real body.. not cheryl..)

moving even a finger felt so tedious.. hence.. end up laying on the table and resting.. poor yx.. came all the way down to see me lie on the table.. sorry gal..

only became aware of the magnitude of how ill i am when i was waiting for 99 at clementi interchange to go home.. almost thot i will peng san there.. even broke out into cold sweat.. good thing the bus came..

so yar... shall stay at home and rest tmr.. sleep more.. and drink more water... must get well before sch starts..

yesterday was great...

finally manage to catch lake house.. happy ending.. i like.

went to chris's house AGAIN for bidding.. we need to stop doing this.. haha.. always meeting up on close bidding day..

then met up with body! haha.. she end up giving us crash course on a very interesting topic sia... good thing its free of charge..

must give big thank you to sharon! haha.. poor gal.. kenna threatened into treating us lunch and ben and jerry's.. thanks yar... u won't have phobia of coming out with us next time right?



argh! think i'm falling sick again! wat's wrong with me this yr? keep falling ill... i used to fall sick once every yr.. but this yr.. it is like once every month.. need to rest more and drink more water..

k.. gotta get ready to go to sch for another round of jap revision..

jap revision was fun! haha, but didn't revise much..

got to meet up with karina before going to see fireworks.. her bf so sweet.. didn't get to eat his dinner cos he paiseh of eating a meal when all of us just ordered drinks and dessert..

supposedly was to watch fireworks with the hypers but ended up walking here and there.. and missed the fireworks.. haha.. but it was nice to walk about and talk.. we ended up sitting at killiney kopitiam to eat egg and toast and ice cream..and listening to leng xiao hua.. haha..

this module choosing and bidding thing is really messing with my head..

too many decisions to make...

sometimes having choice is not the best thing to have..

somebody pls tell me wat to do! argh!

was woken up by national day songs and my mum singing to some dao lang song... just want to say.. first time i'm so glad that the national day songs that they are playing downstairs are so loud.. hehe

now i know where my singing skills come from.. haha..

and i still can't figure out why i helped her search for the song lyrics for that song i heard in the morning..

change in operation bim1...

Operation Bim1

mission objective: to secure myself AND sharon of an inauguration file

field agents: cheryl n., me and sharon

actions to be taken:
-find two gentleman with bad taste (so will not like the file and would then give it to me and sharon)
-cheryl to twirl hair and cajole rder x 2
-me to grab file and run
-sharon to grab file and run

location: same

target: same

Operation Bim1

mission objective: to secure myself of an inauguration file

field agents: cheryl n. and me

actions to be taken:
-find gentleman with bad taste (so will not like the file and would then give it to me)
-cheryl to twirl hair and cajole
-me to grab file and run

location: school

target: juniors


hahhahah.. think it will work sia..

talking to an old friend can do wonders.. haha.. happy.. and yar.. talking about u.. jia.. haha.. vi too.. old friend.. haha u are all old.. hehe.. i'm gonna die for this..

though we are at different parts of sg.. studying diff modules.. meeting diff ppl.. we still can connect so well and chat for hours.. amazing... to think that both of u disliked me when we first met.. how much time has passed since then.. how much we have grown..

though i miss the days we had in jc.. i love wat we are having now.. ppl who meet everyday may run the risk of stepping on each others' toes.. but.. us.. who don't get to see each other everyday... finding time to chat and talk with each other.. there is only a sense of comfort, security and trust.. like a shelter admist the storm.. always there when needed..

haha.. don't know why i turn so rou4 ma2.. maybe cos old liao.. have alot of gan3 chu4..

yup.. love u guys!


and.. the younger friends.. haha.. sounds weird..well, just wanna say.. hope we grow into old friends too..

haha.. been reading my old blog post.. copying one entry below.. still love it..


1 April 2005[09:49:42 AM] me.

a poem that i find very apt.. (p.s. copied it from somewhere long time ago.. hope i don't get sued for copyright..)

My Layers
i shield and hide my pain,
i'm not sure where it comes from.
to my friends, i seem happy, a bubbly character.
to my acquaintance, i seem somber, boring exclusive snob.
none of them correctly describe me.
the truth is, i'm not sure what i am.
but i know that i bleed and my heart does break.
i do cry the same salty tears.
i can become filled with fear.
i do become angry in bad situation.
i am normal, i am human.
i do lie (mostly to myself. love living in self denial.)
does it make me any different?

oh no!! think i picking up bad habits from boss..

haha.. think too much.. worry for nothing..


lalala~

how come i feel so restless when i'm doing nothing?

i used to think that i love slacking...

eating durian on a hot day is not the smartest thing to do..

sigh..

note to self... don't do last min changes ever again.. if need to make changes, do make them early and inform all the ppl who might be affected by the change..


hmm.. we shall see how it goes..

guilt.

oh my.. i spent 500 bucks in one month... how on earth did i do that??

must start saving liao..

i HATE cors!!

ok.. it's offical..

cheryl n. has polluted my mind..

and.. looking forward to entertainment!

this is gonna be a cool sem..

lights.. camara.. action!

haha.. ok.. proven...

the world is fair after all...

回家的途中，我在地铁车厢里无意间听见了一位小妹妹和她爸爸的对话。。。

爸爸：' 你要喝水吗? '

小妹妹：' 这里是不可以喝水的。'


小妹妹简简单单的一句话震撼了我。。。

think i've said it before.. but i want to say it again..

i wish my life was simple as wat it used to be..

had a great day..


k-ing was fun..

my first k where we sang more english songs than chinese..

boss and eil's chinese not bad.. shar cannot make it.. chris... no comments.. hahaha

boss's singing voice sounds like my cousin... nice.. there was one song where i thot they didn't turn the singer's voice off.. but actually it was boss's voice i heard..

feel so old singing to westlife, backstreet boys, spice gals songs...



nuahing session was shiok..

i want a drum set and a pool table too!

i have no sense of co-ordination...

everyone can look cool posing with a drum set and drums sticks in the hand..

shar is amazing to be able to sleep thru all these.. she win me..

pool skills improved a bit.. but still.. it sucked.. haha.. can't aim properly..



bidding was a bitch..

psych students are crazy... and they probably think they are loaded with pts.. 800plus pts for a mod!!

sticking to my old plan... old but faithful... no luck see boss in lab.. maybe do with shar they all..

just glad my bidding ends after round 1c..

note to self... save more pts..



bbq was ok.. company's great though..

was running around.. alot of familiar faces..

hoho.. think sooli drives better than eil.. but too short a distance to be sure..

saw alot of ppl go hungry... they had to buy macs to eat instead.. don't know where the bbq food went..



day ended with an unexpected event..

note to self... do not believe that a day that started well will end well too..

discovery.. weird things keep popping up when there is boss and i..

glad that my mum don't leave me alone at an office till wee hours of the morning.. right.. change that to 'glad i'm not boss'..



very tired..

wanted to blog about matric fair yesterday.. but was too tired..

won't go into details cos my brain's a little saturated right now..

matric day was great if i don't think about the horrible morning before matric started.. definitely voting it as the best booth ever.

deco looked cool.. haha.. had a great time deco-ing / suaning /laughing /joking about..

our booth looked the most happening booth! loved the collages done by eil's bitch aka the himbo.. thanks louisa for sponsoring the flyers so that the treasurer here will not freak out about the cost of the event.. suprisingly alot of ppl helped out at the booth, very thankful cos we finally gotten some rest after camp and all..

think eil's the most stressed up one for this event.. u did good, gal! great work! think we've gotten our image thing rolling!

haha.. time to revamp the guys and start having meetings at cooler place! ;p

argh!!! how unlucky can one be? and today's not even friday the 13th!

woke up this morning feeling like a bus had hit me the night before... really haven't been sleeping well.. end up running late for sch..

went downstairs to find myself missing the bus... then.. found myself in the morning jam when i took the next bus..

suppose to meet my friend halfway to sch to hitch a ride as i was carrying something bulky.. but had to call her to cancel it cos i'm stuck in the jam.. but.. i got out of the jam after putting down the phone..

i got down my bus to find that i missed the other bus that was suppose to take me to sch..

so i went to take a cab at the other side.. to find myself in a queue of 8 ppl and having to stand there with a box and a strong need to pee..

when i got into the cab.. i see an extra $2 charge on the meter and realised that it was peak period charge..

then.. the cab driver took me back into the jam that i came out from.. and the only two traffic lights that i passed turn red upon seeing me arriving..

so.. a cab fare that usually cost $4 ended up being $7.. and i was an hour late for sch..

wat a day..

oh.. and i just found out that.. actually i did not have to bring speakers..

class gatherings are more interesting than u think they would be..


had some very interesting updates on my sec sch classmates..

the 'could-have-been's in life..

there are so many possibilities.. but they will never occur cos the moment has passed..

feels good to think that the ppl then could possibly be thinking of passing me a position that i would never have thot that i would be considered or have qualities that can succeed the role..

haha, but there is no way to find out if it is true.. it remains as a possibility..

synchronicity.. i remember reading about it in a book.. a very interesting concept..

looking thru my life, it seems like there really is synchronicity in it.. that is leading me to somewhere..

a pseudoscience.. a theory by Jung..

think about it.. things happening in our life for a reason and having a meaning / learning pt behind it.. sometimes.. giving us a sense of deja vu..

finally got to meet up with vi after so many months..

haha, this is the first time she has to wait for me to find a free slot to meet up, usually i wait to see when is her free slot.. guess i am turning into a busy woman like her..

it just feels so great to sit and talk over dinner and then coffee.. we are never ending.. haha.. if we have 24hrs, we probably would have chatted for that long..

i don't know how it got started but.. meeting up during hols has become a ritual for us.. a must at least every half a yr.. it's like consolidating wat has happened in our lifes and then sharing it with each other... sharing insights to the things we have seen, heard, felt and experienced... an enriching experience to have..

vi, though u have heard it before.. you are my buddy in life.. without you, i probably will have no one to evaluate myself with.. and no one who is so honest and open to talk to..

and sometimes i wonder if that day in camp, had my buddy not left and had ur buddy not injured her foot, would i have said wat i said to u to another person.. and then act upon it and shared it with the rest..

it was one of THE moments in life... a big cliff and u led me to make a jump off that cliff.. and i thank u for that..


sorry for complaining so much during dinner.. haha.. know u have alot of complains too.. next time k? next time i shut up and u complain...

i wonder how am i going to survive without u for one yr when u leave for australia.. very hard to complain on msn.. must fly back every half a yr and meet up with me hor..

CORS is a pain in the s. argh!!

why some smart ppl come up with such a smart system???

how how how?? too little pts too many things to bid for..

wat sim teck ngee warned about in intro to psych really coming true... i am going bankcrupt!!

how how how? die...


and... body will most probably say, 'breathe'.

"Anything But Ordinary" -avril lavigne Sometimes I get so weird I even freak myself out I laugh myself to sleep It's my lullaby Sometimes I drive so fast Just to feel the danger I wanna scream It makes me feel alive Is it enough to love? Is it enough to breath? Somebody rip my heart out And leave me here to bleed Is it enough to die? Somebody save my life I'd rather be anything but ordinary please To walk within the lines Would make my life so boring I want to know that I Have been to the extreme So knock me off my feet Come on now give it to me Anything to make me feel alive Is it enough to love? Is it enough to breath? Somebody rip my heart out And leave me here to bleed Is it enough to die? Somebody save my life I'd rather be anything but ordinary please I'd rahter be anything but ordinary please. Let down your defences Use no common sense If you look you will see that this world is a beautiful accident turbulent suculent opulent permanent, no way I wanna taste it Don't wanna waste it away Sometimes I get so weird I even freak myself out I laugh my self to sleep It's my lullaby Is it enough? Is it enough? Is it enough to breath? Somebody rip my heart out And leave me here to bleed Is it enough to die? Somebody save my life I'd rather be anything but ordinary please Is it enough? Is it enough to die? Somebody save my life I'd rather be anything but ordinary please I'd rather be anything but ordinary please. yup.. anything but ordinary

argh!! why i got preallocated!

haha.. to think that i was still complaining that i couldn't get preallocation yesterday..

but yar.. very frustrating.. cos... so many psych modules i want to take! i want emotions cos the lecturer seems fun... i want health psy cos it is no longer dr why... i want lab in applied cos.. cos.. my body and gang are taking.. good to do project with.. i want bio cos everyone i know is doing it liao.. i want adolescent psy cos i like it and planned to take it long time ago..

and on top of that got jap lang 2 and sw's counselling..

sian.. sian.. sian.. thanks to my body for telling me about applied after module pref..

ok.. set.. i take jap, sw, bio... then i see how it goes with bidding for lab in applied.. if ok, i take. if not ok, i take adolescent..

hope i can see body and gang at applied! cross fingers..

didn't manage to go for lemon tea and leisure read as planned.. wat in life goes as planned?



need to watch where i sit next time...



why can't ppl just get wat each other is trying to say?



i think i always say the wrong things at the wrong time..




why are there so many ppl asking me out for dinner.. really don't feel like entertaining them..