Good Timber By Douglas Malloch 

The tree that never had to fight
     For sun and sky and air and light,
But stood out in the open plain
     And always got its share of rain,
Never became a forest king
     But lived and died a scrubby thing.

The man who never had to toil
     To gain and farm his patch of soil,
Who never had to win his share
     Of sun and sky and light and air,
Never became a manly man
     But lived and died as he began.

Good timber does not grow with ease,
     The stronger wind, the stronger trees,
The further sky, the greater length,
     The more the storm, the more the strength.
By sun and cold, by rain and snow,
     In trees and men good timbers grow.

Where thickest lies the forest growth
     We find the patriarchs of both.
And they hold counsel with the stars
     Whose broken branches show the scars
Of many winds and much of strife.
     This is the common law of life. 

nowadays i'm circling back to the topics of.. why am I doing the things that i'm doing? am I happy where I am right now? why is there a sense of discontentment? what is my drive? what does it mean to live such a life? what is earning money about? how much is enuf? do we even need so much? what do I want to achieve in life?

it seems like a lot of people are lost in the pursuit of more money.. more status.. quick fix.. instant gratification.. we are consuming at a rate that is unprecedented.. nature is suffering the consequences.. and soon or maybe even now humans are already being affected..

do I want to go down the road of overconsumption? do I need a house? what is all these money for?

it seems like i'm well on my way to a secured retirement with cpf, investments and insurance.. maybe a little more investments in shares to put some money in diff pots for just in case..

then what? I ask myself.. then what? is this all there is to life? to get out of the rat race?

I want to think that there is more.. that life has more meaning than this.. so what is it? how do I find what it is?

is money the blinkers? is family the restrictions imposed on you? what about society's interpretations?

what if money is no issue.. what would I want to do? where would I want to go? who would I want to be with?

it feels like life right now is a mirage.. all the planning and the chasing is for an expected future which may or may not appear..

we would not know what the future holds.. what is our insight for the future?

01 Jan 2019

The first day of the new year.

2018 had been an eventful year.. lots of highs and lows.. there were a lot of learning points..

I look ahead at 2019 with trepidation. It stems from the multitude of tasks that needs to be accomplished at work, the new role that I'm still growing into and the uncertainty of what will be happening in the coming months.

It seems like I have somewhat neglected my health and I hope that 2019 is the time where I can address it.

My mind is disjointed right now, most likely due to the stress and the lack of sleep that I have been experiencing in the recent months. It is a warning sign that I am burning out and it would be in my best interest to heed the warning before it is too late. I really do want to recover my full mental faculties, nothing is worth losing any clarity of mind.

Recently, I have been thinking more and more about what is worthwhile in life, to pursue or to put effort in, to the extent of possibly harming one's well being in order to accomplish something. I also wonder about whether the way I have been throwing myself at work is sustainable or not. Moreover, what is the purpose or fulfilment of it all? What did I gain? What did I lose? These are the questions that revolve around my mind quite frequently in the past month or so. Is there meaning to live like this?

What else is out there for me? Where should I go? What should I do? Can I ignore/let go of the responsibilities that others put on me and those that I put on myself? Why do we trap ourselves with never ending liabilities? What does it mean to truly be free?

Free of social constructs.. such as a career.. a stable income.. owning a house.. moving up in life.. betterment of self.. the should dos... the should haves..

If we strip ourselves to the bone and rebuild it up.. what would we be? what could we be?

There is no way of sugar coating it..


The past two months had been tough. it had been hell. It had been almost as bad as how I imagined it to be. The only saving grace was the help that was given/offered by our colleagues and the support of the bosses that we could survive till now.


I do not believe that nobody is irreplaceable. Everyone has a place, everyone has at least a strength, a skill or a knowledge that is integral to the success of a company. Anyone who leaves will leave a gap that takes time to be re-filled.


It's been tough working with not much knowledge and resources at hand. It made me appreciate the effort and the care that it took for my ex-manager to ensure the team was running smoothly. We miss her so much~.


There is still a last lap to all these craziness and we are all in dire need for rest. Keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that we do not have to deal with any more last minute crises.

01 01 2018

A brand new year..

I wonder what the new year would bring..

It's already feeling very different from the years before..

I hope that I can rise up to the challenges that will be presented to me..

I hope I gain the courage to approach some things and some people that I have always wanted to..

I hope that I am worthy of the trust, care and concern that other give me freely..

I hope I have the strength to pull through the tough times ahead..

I hope I have grown enough to be able to handle what comes my way..

I hope that by the end of the year, I am a wiser and better person.

I do know that nothing falls from the skies and onto our laps so I'm gonna work hard when I can, rest when I need to and hope for the best.

Taipei Solo Trip - Day 1

Technically day zero was also sort of overlapping into day one but we r not in Taipei yet so.. hahaha.

Taoyuan airport is surprisingly empty. Two observations here.. One thing i did realise was that the wifi is cheaper to be bought here than back home. Another is that.. though the high speed rail is super fast.. waiting for the bus to the rail station and the journey there was not worth the whole effort of cutting time. It's definitely better to travel by the metro.

 After almost an hour (see! totally not worth the money spent) i finally reached taipei main station. It is a super huge n complex underground system that connects to a lot of different places.

 I finally managed to check in at my hotel at 8am but that means that i had like almost 7 hours to burn before i could be given a room. Gah.. no more red eye. 7 hours is freaking long when you have no slept the previous night. I dragged my cold sorry ass in search of good food to comfort my weary body.

However, it was not meant to be.. after 15 mins of walking and passing by the famous doujiang place which was packed with ppl.. i could not find my jinfeng braised meat place at ximen. Sigh.. i was so disappointed that i went in search on huayin and lungshan temple.

Funny that i kept walking pass food places and refusing to eat cos it does not look appealing or smells nice.. i was so bloody hungry that i could eat a cow. I ended up somewhere near lungshan temple and ate at a roadside store.. it was ok.. quite cheap too.

Thankfully i managed to get a good reading at the temple and it warmed my soul. Despite the rain thru out the day and the mishap with what happened before reaching the temple and the constant rain.. it was looking to be a good day.

After the temple, i went in search for ximending. It was quite quiet since it was still very early. Not much shops were open, and not many people were walking around. Tried to burn as much time as i could there.

Went to view an old mansion cos it was still early to check in. Best decision ever as i chance upon a braised meat shop that smelled super mouth watering. Of course it was decided that my lunch would be there.

After lunch.. finally went back to my hotel n got a room.. bathed and slept till 8pm.. hahhaahah..

Woke up, went back to xmd and ate the famed ah zong and also rose salt beef cube that my cousin raved about.. yumz. Though the night time xmd atmosphere was good.. the mood was dampened by the rain that came out of no where n got heavier.. no shopping for me....

Finally went back to the hotel after a failed shopping attempt. Shall call it a day.

____________________________________________________________________

Day 2 to 5

There is a lot to write about.. but I guess the most impt thing was that I enjoyed my trip.. it was eye opening.. it was carefree..  it was peaceful.. and it was something that i needed.

I'm gonna go back there again! so many place that I have yet to visit nor fully explored..

yeliu... jingguashi.. hualien.. and many other places..

maybe I will try a dorm or a minshu next time~

Taipei Solo Trip - Day 0

3 hours early for my flight and I burned some of it eating macs.. macs is almost like a tradition of sorts for predeparture at T2.. and talking about this.. I'm reminded of you again when i think about T2 macs..


I'm super glad that I no longer am as guai as I was cos otherwise I would have wasted my time waiting to collect my wifi device at the scheduled timing. It pays to ask and to check out the details.


I thot I would have a smooth trip from there on but alas.. it was not to be. I was stopped by the scoot employee before i could enter departure gates. It went down hill from there.. cos I knew that my bags were more than 10kg despite having packed super light and the only heavy thing was my office laptop and its charger. I really should have left the laptop at home.. sigh.. it caused me quite a bit of grief. Anyways, I attempted to lighten my load by removing liquids from my bag and putting portable stuff on me cos I sure as hell won't pay 40 bucks for 3kg of weight. I guess the scoot employee saw my determination and gave up trying to squeeze some money out of me and he let me through.

The flight itself was... challenging.. trapped in the window seat with a fidgety coughing kid, cold, hungry and unable to fall asleep.. remind me not to ever get on a red eye ever again. And maybe it's time to buy a jacket that is warm enuf..

I was so glad when the plane finally landed and I could get out.

What would you do, if you knew you couldn't fail?
How big would you play, if you knew that you could survive any heartbreak, any breakdown, any betrayal?
What would you do if the things that you were afraid of, were absolutely nothing but the opportunity to get stronger in your faith, stronger in your resiliency?
What would you do? Who would you love? How big would you play? Where would you leap?
How would the world benefit differently? How would the world benefit differently because of who you decided to be?
How would the world be a better place to live because fear didn't have you standing on the edge?
What would you do if you were told that you get to do it afraid, that you don't have to wait for the fear to leave, that you get an action, the fear gets to dissipate into the nothingness that it always was?
What would you do? How would life be different? How would the world be a better place to live?


You will have to reprogram the fibers of your being. You will have to become someone that you have never been before.
You want to go somewhere that you have never gone before? You'll have got to do something you have never done, you've got to say something that you have never said, you've got to go to a place in you that you have never even been.


I stand here in my greatness. I own my light! I own my brilliance! I am Bold, I am Courageous, I am Perfect in my imperfection. This is my time. This is my time! I'm Bright enough, I'm old enough, I'm experienced enough, I'm wise enough, I understand that I. Am. Enough!

I accept that my fear will be in the car with me, but it will not be in the driver seat!

I am ready for my next best season because I know that I am the author of my autobiography. I am the designer of my own destiny. I am writing my life story and I'm writing a life story that I'm gonna love reading, and others will be inspired by. On one page, they will read my fears and on the next page, they will know I did it anyway. I commit to hold fear in one hand and passion in the other and leap. And leap. And leap! Every time. Every time! i ask that each of you hold me accountable for my contribution on this planet. Don't let me off the hook.


~ all by Lisa Nichols

i need more focus..

i need more drive..

i need more SOPs and check lists..

the past two months had been challenging.. my weaknesses/flaws are starting to show.. maybe i should say.. my points of improvements have presented themselves.

my focus seems to be shifting towards how i feel about the mistakes that i make at work and how ill-suited my weaknesses are for such a role.. i feel that i have not risen to meet the challenge and have found myself drowning in the crashing tides. drowning and unsure of how to ask for help and what to ask for help for..

maybe i'm just tired from driving myself too hard.. maybe i've been attaching to much meaning to all of these.. is my expectations of myself realistic? am i suited for what i am doing? am i on the right path? y am i doing all this? what is it for?

i hope that i get out of this funk soon..

can't believe that i'm planning my solo trip to TW!

half filled with trepidation and half with excitement. it's been a struggle to convince myself to do it.. battling with long forgotten fears and anxieties.. pushing myself to work thru them or learn to manage them as i plan this trip.

it's funny to think that people all over the world past and present travel long distances or live away from their family from a very young age and here is a 32 yr old who is worried about travelling to a nice and friendly country that uses a language that she is familiar with. what a sheltered life i've lived.

i've been building.. my confidence.. my independence.. my coping mechanisms to my anxieties..

sometimes i wonder if my anxieties are not my own but was instilled to me since young. i would really love to find out the root cause of it.

maybe i will find my answer during the trip.

i'm anticipating quite a bit of things that would be brought to head in this trip.

*reminder to bring laptop to write them all down..

this is the first time that i felt truly at ease at the workplace. like a... i belong here and my skills/knowledge/ability is wat this place/team/company needs.. comfortable in my own skin.. of course there are times when i feel anxious that i'm unable to meet the expectations.. and there are times when i wonder if i could handle what is thrown at me.. but i think the past few years had trained me well.. did my best to manage my own expectations, emotions and the workload.

this sort of marks the end of a tumultuous period in my life even though i'm only technically freed after the 30th.

it was unexpected and harrowing time to say the least and definitely one of the darkest period that i have been through. dark in the sense that i feel like i was sucked into another world and lost myself. a side of me that i never knew came out and i'm unsure as to how to process that. it is like Alice in Nightmareland.

maybe i am a tad dramatic in my description but if you are the one experiencing it, you would feel so as well.

well.. with every great upheaval, comes great opportunity for growth. i believe these lessons will serve me well in life.

onward to the next adventure!

change is here again.. and i am not adapting as quietly to it as i used to.. it seems like this company keeps bringing out different sides of me that i have never known..

this time round it's terrifying and exciting at the same time seeing how people react to this new side of me.. and also, to flex that muscle that i never knew i had, has been exhilarating.. i'm not sure if it is a "right way" to handle, but it's first time in my life that i find that i'm not just bending to the winds as they sweep into my life..  

to be able to see the wind as it is and finding a way to harness it's strength is totally something new.. and to be fearless in what lies ahead, opens up a lot of possibilities.. it is the first time that i am anticipating what will happen and actively taking steps to meet the challenges head on..

with it also came a lot of unidentifiable emotions that sprang up and i am still learning how to deal with them.. there is an underlying unhappiness/irritation that seems to spill on to my daily life.. there is also a brashness that accompany the way i talk which i do not appreciate.. and sometimes melancholy creeps in at the most random moments.. probably a result of the loss of my spontaneous and carefree nature.. probably cos sometimes i find myself a little too mercenary with the way i see and plan for things nowadays.. the pure desire to just give and service is lost.. for now.. i hope..

Drama after drama kept happening at the workplace. The dust is finally settling..

I'm glad that my road is getting brighter and clearer from now on.

Question of the day.. am I a dog or a cat?

I might have developed a minor addiction to using hp constantly...

I have been curbing my data usage since two days ago. The woes of having only 6gb of data avaliable. The curbing made me realise that I use my phone's game or apps to distract my mind quite often throughout the day. If find myself reaching for my phone every 5 to 10 mins if I'm idle on the train or doing nothing.

Have I turned into someone who is afraid to be alone with their own mind?

I have always, for the longest time, classified myself as a passive person. Throughout my childhood and all the way to adolescence, I've never had a goal or a dream that was created solely because I have a strong desire to achieve, it was all about what my parents wanted, or what was expected of me from the people around me. I've always been very adaptable to the situations that were thrown at me or with the restrictions that were imposed on me by my loved ones. I melded the best I could and I was comfortable doing so, sometimes even happy to be able to oblige. I have never fought hard for anything or anyone. I was never the one to rush ahead of the crowd, never the one to lead.. always the follower.

Putting those observations aside, for the past 8 to 10 years of my life, I have been doing my best to work myself out of this passiveness. Having armed myself with a better understanding of human behavior with my years as a Psychology undergrad and the pile of self improvement books that I have read, I refused to be stuck in the little box that labeled me as passive. I took steps, big and small steps.. even steps that led me backwards instead of forward. What I'm saying is that it took me effort to work towards being proactive, to not sit back and give people the wheels of my life. I won't say that I'm 100% proactive now, but there is definitely a huge difference then and now and I'm proud of it and of me for having come so far.

So, you could say that I was almost a hundred percent sure that I was "born" a passive personality and that I'm working against "nature" to nurture myself to becoming more proactive. Little did I know that a conversation with a friend would shake this almost unshakable belief. It started off as a random conversation about work and some observations about how passive or proactive some of our colleagues were and I got curious about how she would perceive me. We are relatively new colleagues that bonded at work and it always interests me to know how different people from different settings would perceive me based on what limited interactions they have with me. Hence, I popped her the question of "Do you think I'm a passive or a proactive person?" and as expected, she replied saying that she sees me as a proactive person. I've expected that answer partially because I know I might come off as a proactive person at work and I also believe that the person I am right now has moved quite far away from the passive end of the spectrum. I was explaining to her the reason that she sees me as a proactive person is that I am a passive person that works hard at being proactive on a daily basis. And her reply to me was " Have you ever thought it could be that you are born with a proactive personality but due to circumstances of your childhood became passive and believed you are so due to your retroactive introspection?" Well, she didn't say it in so many words but the gist of her question gave me a big pause and gave my brain a huge desire to rewind and re-code/map my actions and behaviors based on this new idea that she postulated.

My head is still spinning from it and as always.. it might take me a while to fully come to any conclusion..

Today sucked.

clarity and truth...

lol.. world peace..

Sometimes people need to think about their motive when they talk to people.. If ur objective is to share care and concern or even encouragement... don't suddenly change the conversation into teaching or reprimanding one halfway..

I don't need to know how much I fail to meet ur high expectations.. your need for me to have the most positive of mindset, to be traditional and subservient in the face of authority or even to rise above the unjust situation..

What I need is a listening ear and a sympathetic pat on the back.. what I need is for you to understand my frustrations with the situation.. and be okay with my reactions becos I'm human and I am not perfect.. I am not an enlightened being that can rise above all kinds of situations.. I should be entitled the time to think.. to evaluate.. to navigate a new situation..

And I would love to be trusted to be able to eventually rise above.. to know that in ur mind and heart that you believe that I have the right mindset to get me past this and make the right decisions and choices..

So please stop criticising my behaviour and stop your need to preach or rush me to be a better person.. I don't need it.. I can live with one less criticism or one less harsh judgement on my character..

I will get there on my own time.. at least I believe I will.. even if I'm the only one who does..

a great lesson in leadership..

"It’s because they believed in me. Believed that I knew them well enough, and believed in them enough. To tell them how, and when to use their brains. I’m talking about people like you. That kind of belief, you have to earn it. And you cannot earn it in a day. You want someone to run a 4 minute mile? You don’t chase them. You don’t give them something to run from. You give them something to run to. " - Richard Webber, Grey's Anatomy

a good summary as to the kind of person we should find.. never sell urself short and settle for less..

"After all, what makes a good partner? Someone who trusts you, supports you, who pushes you to be better; someone who pulls you back from the edge and reminds you of who you are when you're in danger of losing sight of it. Someone who doesn't judge you from your past mistakes but loves you in spite of them; someone who has faith in you, who reminds you every day that the world is a better place with you in it and who doesn't give up on you when you mess up but instead encourages you to try again."

Home - Aron Wright

I have seen all I care to see Of this world it has no more for me I need the call for giving peace That only comes from my family I wanna go home I wanna go home I'm following the lead of the setting sun And I'm going back where I came from Like a old old tree, that no longer grows As time went by I got hollow If you don't know when to stay If you don't know when to go Then you might be building your own gallows I wanna go home I wanna go home I'm following the lead of the setting sun And I'm going back where I came from Mama is on the front porch waving for me My father got his hands fixing something My brother says that he just got to see my face It's why I'm going on home I going home I'm following the lead of the setting sun And I'm going back where I came from It's why I'm going home I'm going home I'm following the lead of the setting sun And I'm going back where I came from And I'm going back where I came from.

new job.. new wardrobe.. new environment.. new colleagues.. new culture.. new bosses..

feel well rested to take on the challenges ahead!

i've been missing you a lot this past yr.. ever since we started to sporadic chat and decide to be less like strangers.. i guess it's worse knowing that technically i could now chat with you but yet not chatting with you.. cos it had been a long time and i have no idea how to get us back to the time when conversations were random and easy, deep and meaningful, fun and light..

i guess that's why i missed you more this past yr than when i know there could be no way for us to hold any sort of conversation.. hope is a horrible emotion to feel.. it makes you want things that you have no idea how to get..

i seem to revisit the compartment that i had placed you in all these years more often recently.. i guess to me, you were a catalyst for change in my life, you gave me a sense of clarity that i could never get when i'm trying to sort out my own thots, you gave me hints of how to find my own way, you made me feel understood and not alone..

and i guess that's why i missed our friendship more this past yr.. cos if i were to summarize this past yr into one word.. it would be LOST.

it's not really about missing you just cos i believe you are probably the only person that i know of who could help me out of this fog that my mind is in.. it's missing the interactions that we used to have.. the thots that we share that sometimes spur us to think in other ways that we have not considered before.. the bimbo-ness and the lame ass jokes that crack us up until we are breathing like two people who just had an asthma attack.. the mutual commiseration over encountering things/people that make our blood boil and question our sanity..

i miss having someone who can read me like a book.. who appreciates me for who i am and what i can give.. who be there and offer support and protection when i don't even know i needed them..

had a wonderful day at manda's yesterday.. met up with ex-psych soc ppl.. nostalgic.. brought back the fun filled memories for me.. it wasn't just the fun and the laughter.. but also the sharing of the minds.. appreciate everyone's thots and feedback on my sharing of starting a biz..  it made me miss working with you guys on society projects..

it was not easy to find and build a team of dedicated people who are very motivated to plan and execute events.. all the blood, sweat and tears we put in.. an honour indeed to have worked amongst you guys..

my craving for junk food has been satisfied.. finally.. now i can move on.. hopefully it will be another half a yr or so before i will crave it again.. min three mths!

i'm left with the chocolate craving and the cake craving.. hmm.. maybe johan paris will continue to carry their delicious choc muffin!

today has been a good day..

i woke up refreshed from a good nite's rest..

i got myself some exercise..

looked at some temp jobs..

updated my resume..

applied for a couple of jobs..

squeezed some fanfic and american drama into the mix and all the while not losing myself in them..


one step at a time.. one foot in front of the other.. 1% improvement a day..

writing has always been cathartic for me.. i'm grateful for it.. it pulls out all the floating thots from my mind and lets my mind rest..even if it is a little while..

apparently milo powder goes very well with overly sweetened ice cream.. should have done it 3/4 tub ago.. lol

i have a sudden weird craving for junk food... chocolate.. cake.. pizza... burger.. fries.. -_-"

this is crazy.. i don't usually have cravings!!

"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough" - frank crane

It so perfectly summarises my thots about trusting ppl

"But the truth is: you don’t know how you’ll react to your worst case scenario. None of us do. Not until it happens." 
- Grey's Anatomy

OMG.. i can write the mer-logue for GA! i was just explaining something similar to someone in a convo a few days ago (before the above quote came out) about how we can never truly know how we will respond to the horrible things that happen in life and the only way we can find out is only after we have experienced it.. so even though the ppl around us may promise or believe that they can be there with u thru thick and thin.. despite their best intentions and beliefs, no one is 100% sure it will be the case..

my mum is a hoarder!! but i guess the best kind.. cos she hoards money.. LOL

i have been having a weird obsession with grey's anatomy.. it's one of those shows that turns me into a flowering pot and sink into a deep dark place.. it also makes me laugh out loud and whack the table saying "seriously?!"

i was watching rewatching s1e4 and the flowering pot came on..

y?

it was one of the first emotional scenes of dr cristina yang.. she was a first yr intern who was a type A, straight shooter, sharp tongued, only care about gaining experience, cut herself from the emotional world kind of doc (with a twisted sense of humor, of course, she is not that horrid, lol)..

she went to prepare for rounds an hr earlier than the other interns in hope to get the best case that would have gotten her the most likelihood of a surgery experience.. experience that all the interns are fighting to gain.. she thot that she has gotten herself the best deal, a whipple surgery, as the patient was having pancreatic cancer and looks to be in need of a surgery..

little did she know that the patient was a long serving, well respected scrub nurse at the hospital that she is working in who saw thru all her intern tricks of trying to get a whipple surgery under her belt.. after much hard work of doing tests, chasing for results and hounding the attending doc for the date and timing of the surgery.. cristina finally realized and came to the conclusion that the patient was here to live out her last dying moments at the hospital that the patient loves and spent her whole life dedicated to..

the interesting part was that instead of going into a hissy fit for the lost of her precious time spent on the patient for the past 2 days.. and despite her sarcasm about wasting good hospital beds on a dying patient.. she held the patient's hand when the patient had her last dying breathe and tried to resuscitate the patient even though there were explicit orders not to.. cristina was in a state of shock and didn't/couldn't stop trying to save the patient.. it was only when the attending doc physically forced her to step aside and told her to let the patient go down, did she manage to do so..

finally, when the patient's heartbeat flatlined, the attending gave cristina the chance to call time of death for her first time.. ~ and this music 'where does the good go' started playing and continued playing thru till the finale scene of this episode..~  she called time of death and went to the stairwells and we could see that she was trying to hold every emotion.. the attending doc went after her, knowing what she was experiencing and gently told her to let the patient go.. that they have to let the patient go.. and you could see cristina's emotions flooding out..

but yes, after such a long description, i had yet to explain the trigger of my flowering pot moment.. reason for it was.. quite a few..

1. it was the first patient that cristina lost and had to learn to let go

2. i felt it was the first time she truly became a doc in my eyes and opened up the possibility of her being a compassionate doc that she could be.. and it was the doc that she did became 10 yrs down the road in season 10.. one who is not an emotionless robotic super doc but a compassionate, nurturing and talented doc..

3. the song was the actual trigger as it was also the song that cristina and her long time best friend/work buddy/her person dance to when she sends cristina off to a faraway country in the last episode of season 10.. and one of the last wonderful and beautiful scene that the actress sandra oh (who portrayed cristina yang) was in before she finally left the show.. it was also a reminder to cristina that she has to let go.. of her past.. of her friends.. and leave.. and we as the audience has to let her go.. and that was the exact same experience that cristina has gone thru and learnt in s1e4..

shout out to sandra oh.. i miss her in grey's.. and she is a super talented actress who created and showed depth in her character..

also a shout out to shonda rhimes who created the charater cristina yang.. and opened our eyes to the kind of journey and transformation that a character could make in their "lives" and let us dream that it is possible for us as well..

random thot: maybe all the yeos should watch some grey's to learn this lesson

"Where Does The Good Go" - Tegan and Sara

Where do you go with your broken heart in tow
What do you do with the left over you
And how do you know, when to let go
Where does the good go, where does the good go
Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive
Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go
Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love
Look me in the heart and unbreak broken, it won't happen
It's love that leaves and breaks the seal of always thinking you would be
Real, happy and healthy, strong and calm, where does the good go
Where does the good go
Where do you go when you're in love and the world knows
How do you live so happily while I am sad and broken down
What do you say it's up for grabs now that you're on your way down
Where does the good go, where does the good go

if you have 3 months of free time, what would you do?

learn a new language?
pick up a new hobby?
travel the world?
gain a skill?
make new friends?
volunteer?
read up on things you are interested in but never seem to have time to do?

i seem to have failed myself some how.. for i have wasted away 3 months of my life..

a sense of lethargy has enveloped me.. a feeling of emptiness that is consuming me..

i don't feel like doing much except the bare minimal.. and i can't seem to want to do anything.. things that i know i should and things that i know i must..

“Sometimes the key to making progress is to take that very first step, then you start your journey.  You hope for the best, and you stick with it. Day in, day out. Even if you’re tired, even if you wanna walk away, you don’t because you are a pioneer. But nobody ever said it’d be easy.” 

- Meredith Grey in Grey's Anatomy

Yes you can say no. You can say no when you’ve said yes all your life.

You deserve to live your life. Live for yourself.

You only have one life. You can do whatever it is you want for yourself.

There is nothing wrong with living first for yourself.
For only when you are whole within yourself, and love yourself, can you fully love another. 

Grey's Anatomy

Dr. Bailey: I took pause.
Dr Yang: You paused? 
Dr. Bailey: I paused.
Dr. Bailey: I paused a very long time.
Dr. Bailey: So why did? I sat up one night, middle of the night and I knew I could do this.
Dr. Bailey: I still don't know how I'm gonna do this, but I knew I could do it.
Dr. Bailey: You just have to know.
Dr. Bailey: And when you don't know, then no one can fault you for it.
Dr. Bailey: You do what you can, when you can, while you can.
Dr. Bailey: And when you can't, you can't.

We can always look back in our lives and think that we could have done certain things better but the fact is.. it was the best we could do at that point in time with the limited experience, knowledge and understanding that we have. so we should learn to not keep faulting ourselves for the things we did in the past but look forward to see how we could do better in future.

Roller coaster.... sigh..

I hate lying.. that's y I have always chosen to speak the truth..

But life is funny in a way that sometimes I am put in a position where i have to skirt the truth or tell a lie on behalf of people.

I know it's a choice I have made to help ppl keep their facade.. but I'm starting to wonder if it is my duty or my responsibility to do so. Y must I choose to do something that is against my principles n makes me uncomfortable?

"Not everything that is broken is meant to be fixed.." Harold Finch's father

sometimes we try too hard to fix things that are broken in our lives and we forget to live our lives.

____

haha, just reread my blog and this phrase.. is such a shout out to calzona (grey's character, callie and arizona)! it is wat exactly is wrong with their relationship..

"There is always a choice to make. Every day, every hour, offered the opportunity to make a decision, a decision which determined whether you would or would not submit to those powers that threatened to rob you of your very self, your inner freedom." - Viktor Frankl

Aubrey's convo with Dr. B. on their experiences as an abandoned child.

B: I was angry for years..
A: How did u get over it?
B: I didn't.
A: So this isn't a comforting talk
B: No.. The pain is always there. The challenge is to not try and make it go away.
A: Really not comforting..
B: Fighting is the problem. We fight to change the past or push it away.. but the pain is part of who we are.
B: It's like the discovery of the quark.. it upended all our theories about physics. There was fury, fighting but it was true. And when it was finally accepted, it gave us a better understanding of life. If we have denied it, there would have been no progress.
B: It's not easy A.. but nothing of value is.

We always fight to suppress painful memories and walking away from people who hurt us.. but sometimes.. we forgot that these painful memories and these hurtful people makes us who we are and we forget to be thankful that these experiences make us better people..

Want to be alone for a while. Tired. Don't wish to face ppl. Don't want to be mature.

never again will i allow you guys to hurt me.. never again..

this is the last time..

time to drop the naive hope or expectations and get busy building walls..

城市里住着一只紫色的小兔子。它很害臊, 不爱跟其他的动物接触。有一天, 它在花园里碰到一条色彩艳丽的小虫。小虫天生好奇, 看到紫兔便问长问短的。起初紫兔有一些不知所措, 但慢慢的被小虫的热情与善良打动, 成为朋友。

它们经常见面, 互相扶持与分享, 日子过得快乐充实。但有一天小虫忽然一声不想的消失了。紫兔知道平时见不到小虫是因为天气的转变, 小虫避雨去了。但是最近天气阴晴不定, 而且平时守时的小虫竟然没出现, 因此它慌忙寻找, 担心小虫出事。

过了一个下午的寻找, 才在一个偏僻的避雨处发现了小虫的踪影。原来小虫已经开始吐丝, 开始建巣化蛹。紫兔看了很兴奋, 但是记起小虫在集中精神做事的时候不喜欢被打扰, 结果把到嘴边的鼓励与支持的话吞了回去。虽然无法表达或参与, 紫兔还是默默的守护在小虫的身边。

无情的天气开始刮起大风。紫兔开始紧张和担心小虫的安危。想开口体恤与叮咛小虫, 但又担心会让小虫分心或生气。小虫望着紫兔, 似乎眼神里叫紫兔离开, 不必守护他身旁。紫兔见了有些难过, 心想为何小虫不愿与它分享小虫人生中一个重要的阶段。结果紫兔伤心的掉头, 黯然的离去。但谁又知小虫心理是不忍心紫兔受风吹雨打?

被误解的小虫强忍着泪把巢建完。它心想, 在这关键时刻竟然没人陪伴, 有些失落。在要化蛹的最后一刻, 小虫的眼角划过了一片紫色。原来紫兔还是安耐不住担心, 返回到离小虫最近的地洞, 静静的, 远远的,望着它的好朋友。

紫兔心里一直懊恼, 觉得在小虫最需要它的时候它竟然只顾及自己的感受, 真不是个好朋友。在等待小虫的蜕变过程中, 紫兔担心小虫不知道自己在它身边, 怕它觉得孤独, 没人了解。它很想说些什么, 做些什么, 让小虫知道它是关心与支持小虫的。但是紫兔想来想去, 还是默默的支持最重, 结果压抑了自己的情绪, 静静的等待小虫的蜕变, 希望小虫明白它的心意。

过了数日, 蜕变成功的小虫, 破蛹而出。伸展了它艳丽的翅膀, 它开始往天空飞去。。

艳丽的蝴蝶是否记起虫时的好友紫兔? 它有没有发现紫兔的默默守护? 他们的友情是否依旧?

人生有如此多的曲折。。

"All Of Me" - John Legend

[Verse 1:]
What would I do without your smart mouth?
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
You've got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down
What's going on in that beautiful mind
I'm on your magical mystery ride
And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright

[Pre-Chorus:]
My head's under water
But I'm breathing fine
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind

[Chorus:]
'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, ohoh

[Verse 2:]
How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you're crying you're beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I'm around through every mood
You're my downfall, you're my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can't stop singing, it's ringing, in my head for you

[Pre-Chorus:]
My head's under water
But I'm breathing fine
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind

[Chorus:]
'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, ohoh

[Bridge:]
Give me all of you
Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts
Risking it all, though it's hard

[Chorus:]
'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you

I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, ohoh

Which will u choose?

1. Mentally engaged
2. Physically attracted
3. Emotionally attached
4. Logically matched

4 in 1 would be ideal.

I remember that you used to tell me that it was frustrating to be angry with me when I did not realize that I had made you angry and continue treating you as if all was fine and gay..

I finally understood how it felt and I have to say that.. being on the receiving end.. made me realize how sometimes people can hurt others unknowingly.. and made me want to be more careful of how I  treat people..

It made me wonder what were the things that I had done that irked and bothered you then.. but I guess I will never find out..

I now sort of understood why you didn't bring it up when these situations occurred.. sometimes it seems a bit silly to me when I get upset over things that other people did but yet they did not realize.. makes me wonder if it is that big a deal to be angry over or disappointed over what was being said or done.. if the incident that occurred was of no great significance and the emotion that arose out of it was due to sensitiveness of myself then is it a worthy point to bring it up to the other party? what good would it do and how would it help?

I guess I need to learn which are the issues to bring up and which are those that I should let it blow past.. and learn how to manage my emotions for them..

总是把自己的热脸贴在别人的冷屁股上。

傻。

给未来的自己 - 梁靜茹 

作詞：黃婷
作曲：李正宗

站在狂風的天台一望無際
這一座孤獨的城市
在天空與高樓交接的盡頭
誰追尋空曠的自由

陽光覆滿這一刻寧靜的我
隔絕了喧囂和冷漠
川流不息的人遊蕩在街頭
誰能聽見誰的寂寞

找一個人惺惺相惜 找一顆心心心相印
在這個宇宙 我是獨一無二 沒人能取代

不管怎樣 怎樣都會受傷
傷了又怎樣 至少我很堅強 我很坦蕩


夜幕籠罩燦爛的一片燈海
多少人多少種無奈
在星光裡遺忘昨天的傷害
一覺醒來還有期待


我不放棄愛的勇氣 我不懷疑會有真心
我要握住 一個最美的夢 給未來的自己

一天一天 一天推翻一天 堅持的信仰
我會記住自己今天的模樣

有一個人惺惺相惜 有一顆心心心相印
拋開過去 我想認真去追尋 未來的自己
不管怎樣 怎樣都會受傷
傷了又怎樣 至少我很堅強 我很坦蕩


我不放棄愛的勇氣 我不懷疑會有真心
我要握住 一個最美的夢 給未來的自己
不管怎樣 怎樣都會受傷
傷了又怎樣 至少我很堅強 我很坦蕩

未來的你 會懂我的瘋狂

Is being too honest a fault? Is being too nice a flaw?

What kind of world are we living in when niceness n honesty is no longer thot to be normal behaviour n these traits r points that raise suspicions..

being misunderstood by strangers or aquaintances should be a normal occurance in one's life.. hence one would not feel too strongly about it unless one is being treated unfairly or cruelly due to such misperception.. also, it is easier to brush off and easier to see that these people are misguided and ignorant..

being misunderstood by close friends and family is a whole different level.. especially family.. it hurts a great deal.. and it hurts even more when you suddenly realise that your close friends know you better than your family and are more willing to look at you will no colored lenses..

sometimes when people know each other for so long.. it is so easy to fall into the trap of thinking that we have understood all there is to understand of that person and forget that a person can learn, grow and change.. and family members tend to fall into this trap even more easily.. we are so sure of ourselves, of our knowledge about the people we love that we never stop to think, to evaluate and to recognise the changes in them. and this negligence is one of the most hurtful thing that you can do to the people you care for..

so open your eyes and take a look a the people around you.. forget the past and look at the present.. acknowledge their every change.. cos it will definitely not be the last.. in today's words: update the version of the person in your mind to the latest version or you might risk lagginess and malfunction.

i literally have a split milk incident when i'm still upset about yesterday.. what luck. i feel bullied.. even by the milk..

for a split second i really wanted to cry, but the scenario of me literally crying over split milk is so hilarious that my mood got better.. but my mood wasn't up for long as i had to spend half an hour mopping up the milk and wiping down my fridge.

You know that you have been badly hurt when tears fall silently down on your cheeks and you have no way of holding them back. despite knowing that people are around you and yet the tears keep falling and you keep praying that no one sees it..

And after the tears have dried.. you feel a dull ache in your chest.. breathing takes more effort than usual.. your eyes sting.. your head hurts.. and your arms strain from hugging yourself too tightly..

"Brave"

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up

Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just want to see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been there,
Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, just stop holding your tongue

Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
See you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you

Colorblind lyrics by Amber Riley.

---

When the world is seeing yellow
I only see gray
When everybody sees the rainbow
I’m stuck in the rain
You take a little piece of me
Every time you leave
I don’t think that I’ll ever find that silver lining
Or reason to smile

You know I used to paint such vibrant dreams
Now I’m colorblind colorblind
When did my heart
Get so full of the never mind never mind
Did you know
That you stole the only thing I needed
Only black and white in my eyes
I’m colorblind

Ain’t it funny that you managed
To just wash away
Even pictures that you’re not in
Have started to fade
I tried to play my favorite songs
But I can’t sing along
The words don’t feel the same
You’ve taken all the best things from me
And thrown them away


I’ll wait
For roses to be red again
And I hate
That you took my blue from the ocean
Give me back green greens and goldens
My purples my blues you sold them
How long will I be broken

You know I used to paint such vibrant dreams
Now I’m colorblind colorblind
When did my heart get so full of the never mind
Did you know
That you stole the only thing I needed
Only black and white in my eyes
I’m colorblind
Only black and white in my eyes
I’m colorblind

I hate celebrating things with my family.. it always ends up in arguments, quarrels or unhappiness. Y my family can't have a simple open conversation without ppl feeling like they are being attacked, blamed or wronged?

I think my family can be a textbook case for all family counsellors out there.. dysfunctional communication.

someone said to me that my only flaw is being too nice.. it was a nice compliment though somewhat backhanded..

thanks sharon..

but i do not believe that it is my only flaw.. sadly..

then again.. i'm human afterall.. everyone is entitled to having some flaws.. it is what makes them interesting and infuriating at times..

i guess the past few years had made me comfortable in my own skin and i like who i am and i would want to be the kind of person who represents her beliefs and values well.. so.. still cautiously choosing my beliefs and values.. and exposing myself to more things to stimulate and challenge my mind..

it's weird to be dreaming of you.. it's been years since i've last seen you.. but you have been in my dreams the past two nights.. wat does it mean?

do dreams really try to tell us something? or is my subconscious mind trying to tell me something?

it's time to stop the bumming and do something..

sometimes you can't have it all in life.. so it all depends on what is most impt to you and what you are willing to give up for it.

is this a pessimistic view of life? can one truly have it all? i wonder..

is it settling for lesser if we view life that way when we could have more if we dare to dream bigger?

being contented and satisfied with what we have vs striving for better and more rewarding life...

i guess a balance would be good..

I feel this right now..

It is such an irony to receive your concern now that we are no longer friends.. when the reason why I decided to stop being friends with you was becos of your lack of concern..

When I need it the most, it didn't come.. when I turn my head and walk away... it is given to me.. but it is too little too late.. n receiving it now only makes me sad..

it feels like a roller coaster ride..

one day i'm up.. another day i'm down.. but there's something that doesn't leave you when you are strapped on to the roller coaster..

the fear and the anticipation of the next turn..

how long can someone stay in a roller coaster locked in by fear or.. elated by the rush of the winds?

i think i have hit and surpasss my limit.. to burst out crying more than 3 times in the span of 2 days is totally a new record for me.

is this healthy? i ask myself.. is this wat i want? is this wat i'm willing to put myself through? is this how life is supposed to be? is this how we build ourselves to be better people? is it masochistic? when do i know enuf is enuf? or is there an enuf? or life is just about constantly stretching yourself? where will we end up? how far to stretch? wat is the reward? wat am i living for? am i happy?

many many many questions popped into my head these days.. on some days.. i just want to throw everything away and heck it.. other days.. i wish i had a brick in my hand so that i can smash people's head with it.. and there are also some days whereby i find the strength to carry on what i'm doing..

so wat does it mean then? where do i go now?

to love u more.. by celine dion.. cool.. rach berry really nail it.

today is a very frustrating day.

fed up with everything and everyone.

angsty mood.

It's sad when people look at u n only see their past impressions of you.. it's almost like the "current" me does not exist.

And to some people, it seems like I don't exist at all. Hah.

Learning to be P.

Argh. Still cannot stand sensitive people.

It really feels like being thrown away like a used tissue paper.

Regardless of the reasons that u may have.. it was totally uncalled for. There are many ways to do it.

Disappointed.

Time to be mature n professional. I can do it this time round.

I guess.. that's it then..

Wishing that I'm staying near water.. so calming.

风好凉。 心情好平静。希望天天都能如此。

原来我是如此的享受一个人的生活。

心里虽然有些想要的，但是能接受未必能得到的结果。人生不过如此。。只要学会接受，很多东西都能看开。这当然并不代表我对生活失去憧憬，失去方向。。我只是多了一份从容去面对。

The morning breeze enveloped me.. It feels great to be home alone.. without a care in mind..

Enjoying the little things in life..

And maybe a walk later..

I used to wonder whether I will be able to handle the adversities that life may throw at me.. having watched so many dramas, its not surprising to wonder that and I think Korean n Taiwanese long dramas gave us even more creative ideas of what are the adversities that we may face in the future.

But I have come to realize that wondering is not productive. That we should take time and effort to build the courage n the resilience to pull through the adversities that we may face.. starting with the tiny problems, discomforts, unhappiness, pressures etc.. step by step, like building a muscle to let it be able to take up more weight.

Then when the day arrived to face the adversities, we can face them with confidence, wisdom and grace.

Apparently, people see me as a person who is sensitive to criticism. Is it only them? Or there others who feel the same as well? Have I truly become the sensitive person whom they say I am? Or is it just a misperception?

Always on the low priority list.

Is there an upgrade available?

Someone once told me.. remember the reasons why you are working towards your goal for you will be tested many times. These reasons will be the only things that get you thru the bad days and propel you to reach your goal.

I finally understand wat it really means. Time to dig deep to find my reasons that will get me through the bad days.

learning.

believe can come subtly and leave subtly

if you know y, there is no shortage of how

stay around to be willing to grow and change

change is fun when it's done

love is not enuf, but love is a start

self talk, soul talk

it's the information in the book that is impt

will i do this? will i learn? it's not a can qn. it's not a talent.

get control of ur thots or it will control u


if it has become route and routine, it's time to change.

some things in your life that happen for you and you think that it has happened to you.

once you have your dreams, your priorities start to fall in line

you have to be the guard of the gate to the thots that come in your mind

wat they think of me dont matter, wat i think of me matters.

sometimes we dont want to be too quick with the answers, sometimes they just need to be heard.

we do make mistakes but we can change.

wat is impt? wat is the last thing you want said about you?

wherever you put the spotlight is where you will look.

its up to me

decision and sacrifice.

adele. amazing.

music always makes me feel better..

Have I over pampered myself all these years? Do I have wat it takes to carry me through this difficult period?

Wat are the mindsets to have? And how do I learn to adopt them without losing part of my beliefs?

Wat kind of person I want to be? And wat do I want to be known for?

Every decision and choice we make.. and the intention and thought we make them with.. shapes who we are. Every step must be taken with care and consideration.

My mind is fighting with the inputs that it is receiving. I have finally come to the stage where I am no longer a dry sponge that soaks up ideas, beliefs and mindsets.

a lot has happened in the past month or two.. many decisions and actions were made.. i'm starting to feel that the current way that i handle my life, how i go about making the choices i make and the way i approach things and treat the people around me is moving more and more towards how i want to live each day of my life.

i believe i have found 'me'. i understand wat make me tick, i understand my strengths and weaknesses, i know wat i like and wat i dislike, wat i have and wat i need, etc etc. i am glad for such clarity in life for it makes living easier, more purposeful and meaningful.

of course, there are still kinks that i have to work out, i'm afterall not perfect but i am glad and grateful to be here, in this state of mind.

i am back! bigger and better! V2!

there are 3 things that i hate experiencing..

1. not being trusted by
2. being lied to
3. being over estimated by

i think u scored bingo.

my range of wave lengths has extended again.. 58 yrs old.. wow.

today i have finally validated something.

while staring out of the well, i've always thot that there is a bigger sky out there.. and all these while, people have been telling me that that's it, wat i see is wat i get and that i am so fortunate to be given even the view of the sky.

it's good to know that i'm right.. but sad in some ways that y the rest can't see wat i can see. the extent of the smallness of my pond also stunned me cos how big can i grow in such a pond?

also, there's another thing that people can't get.. i get it that learning is a personal responsibility but it is also the responsiblity of the mentor to ensure that hard knowledge is transferred as best as possible. how does my feedback of lack of learning translate into my lack of proactiveness to seek understanding of wat i should do?

there are alot of tough choices to make this year. some to try harder, some to let go.. i want to believe that i have the maturity to make the best possible decisions.

and you.. in to the compartment u go. and you.. u have been in there for so long.. can we shake off the dust and start over again? i do miss having someone like you to talk to.. especially when there are so many things to think about and evaluate. but most of all, i miss the carefree fun of sharing thots and the silly laughter that comes after that.

Why do people tend to choose what they are familiar with than the unknown, even though what is familiar, may not be good for them?

Do they not believe that there is a possibility of better? Or do they not believe that they can deserve/create better lives?

It is sad to see time and time again that people around me do such self harming. How can I let them see?

sigh.. i need to get out of this funk.

i have retreated back into my passivity. something is bothering me.. or some things are bothering me.

Wat did I do to deserve such treatment? Totally uncalled for.

don't know why but i feel that the money i have is not enuf.. it's seems so little when i think about the things i want to do with it.

am i earning too little? or other ppl are not saving their money?

i'm turning into a miser and a hoarder.

Have I suffered a burnout? Have I experienced burnout before but didn't realise it was one? Am I still suffering from burnout?

I have a bad feeling that it's a resounding yes.

Did I really recuperate or I just escaped from the problem every time that I had the chance to?

And I fear the burnouts were one and the same..

Wat should I do?

I read something on fb today.. good read.

AM I WITH THE RIGHT PARTNER?

During a seminar, a woman asked, “How do I know if I am with the right person?”

The author then noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so he said, “It depends. Is that your partner?” in all seriousness, she answered, “How do you know?”

“Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it’s weighing on your mind.” replied the author.

Here is the answer:

Every relationship has a cycle.. In the beginning; you fall in love with your partner. You anticipate their calls, want their touch and like their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love wasn’t hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn’t have to DO anything. That’s why it is called “falling” in love.

People in love sometimes say, “I was swept off my feet.” Picture the expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing and then something happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few months or years of being together, the euphoria of love fades. It’s a natural cycle of EVERY relationship.

Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse’s idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship; you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your partner might start asking, “Am I with the right person?” and as you reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when relationships breakdown.

The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it’s learning to love the person you found.
People blame their partners for their unhappiness and look outside for fulfillment. Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes.

Infidelity is the most common. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your relationship. It lies within it.

I’m not saying that you couldn’t fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you’d feel better. But you’d be in the same situation a few years later.

Because (listen carefully to this):

The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it’s learning to love the person you found.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. You have to work on it day in and day out. It takes time, effort and energy. And most importantly, it demands WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make it work. Make no mistakes about it.

Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your partner), just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. If you know how to apply these laws, the results are predictable.

Love is therefore a “decision”. Not just a feeling.

Remember this always: Fate brings people into your life. It is up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay and who you refuse to let go.

Wat I would give to talk to someone..

Someone who understands.. someone who does not want me to make the decision that they want me to make.. someone who will guide me and help me to make the choice with my eyes wide open..

Will that someone pls appear right now? For I have never needed you more in my life..

Evaluation time.. or should I say decision making time? Headache.

There are some things that are out of your control to change and it's time to move on before you become a bitter person.

But some people believe that you will need to cultivate skills to handle the things you cannot change.

So which do you subscribe to?

sometimes i think.. i'm too frank for my own good.

it does not help that i also do not hide the emotions i feel..

do i really need to learn how to hide myself? can't i live an honest life?

It had not been a happy renovation period. The cracks that had formed all these years underneath the beautiful facade started to show once put to the test.

Greatly saddened, hurt and disappointed.

Words have a lot of power. I am reminded once again.

I don't like to see a self harm in progress. Some ignorance might do me some good. It's really none of my business how ppl live their lives.

Sigh.. why do I always meet such ppl?

Is there fairness here? I have to say there isn't.

27年来第一次有人用'脆弱'来形容我。

其实还蛮贴切的。说真的, 面对我在意的事的时侯, 我的哭点其实很低。只是没有很多事情是我在意的, 所以也造成了很多人对我的误解。

在面对不被理解这一块, 我真的是特别脆弱, 也特别在意。

说真的, 被发现是一种解脱。虽然是我的经理发现的, 但是我很开心至少她是很清楚了解我的能耐。我不需在再背负着一些她对我不切实际的期望。轻松了很多。

This trip has taught me that I still get embarrassed and uneasy around strangers whom I have to interact with. And I realised that I have been letting myself stay in my comfort zone for too long. I have gotten too comfortable to move out of it and have started to fear the unknown.

Has the recent years been a regression? I don't want that to continue. Time to push myself!

You frustrate me to no end. The older you get, the worse it becomes.

Totally sums up my thots when I met my friend the other day.

Brennan: i went to see Sweets
Booth: y?
Brennan: bcos something is wrong with me
Booth: Bones, nothing is wrong with you
Brennan: no, i thot today when we apologise to each other that everything was fine
Booth: bcos we were being polite
Brennan: yes, we were polite but you still knew that everything wasn't fine
Booth: i was ah.. hoping that it would be.. you know, in the future
Brennan: but only if we admit that it isn't fine right now. Sweets said that i am subconsciously rebeling against the fact that my happiness is now contingent upon your happiness and christine's.

_____
sorry for the spoiler!

but i totally understood "only if we admit that it isn't fine right now"!

Was catching up with a friend yesterday on our recent experiences over dinner.

She was sharing her encounters of setting up her company, the obstacles she met and the people who aided her along the way.. and something struck me halfway thru our conversation. She has been taking a lot of actions to get her to where she wants to be and regardless how well thot thru or not her plans were, she believed that she could achieve the results that she wants. And even though some of the things that she encountered were unexpected, she manages to find ways to overcome them.

I think that's the difference between a thinker and a doer. It's not like she doesn't think, she does but she prefers actions than inaction after thot. And that is something I need to learn. My bro is right, I have a lot of thots in my head but they will just be thots if I don't do anything about them. I'm not a risk taker by nature and though I have learnt to be a calculated risk taker thruout the years, I still need to take more actions and with more urgency. I'm too contented and laid back. I need to change my mindset and find my drive. Time to step up my learning curve and my actions.

Dating Mistakes ‘Nice’ Guys Often Make

 Truth be told, most women feel a little strange going out with nice guys because they tend to appear too nice for their own good. The lack of apparent flaws makes them seem fake. These men play their games so safely that they forget to include a little danger or excitement that women so adore. In their desire to come across as nice, they often end up being too polite. Women are perceptive enough to catch such pretentions. Knowing that you’re pretending to be nice makes them wary of dating you anymore. Rather than trying to make an impression, nice guys should work on being desirable instead, to be able to keep their partner’s attention cemented.
________________________________

the above is a partial article from mensxp.com.

i thot that i was the only one who felt so, but apparently it's common. reading this article solved a question that has been at the back of my mind all these while. 

第一次，被人说我令人失望。 第一次，哑口无言。第一次，终于明白有些误会一旦不当场解释，会被更多的误会淹没。第一次，哭诉无门。伤心。

不被理解。不懂得如何解释自己。难过。

我本以为只要坦荡，诚恳，诚实的对待人生，就会活得开心，活得自在。可是，原来现在的人已经不能接受这样的生活方式。错愕。

我该如何是好？我又该何去何从？有谁能指点迷津呢？困惑。

It seems that I have the tendency to over pamper ppl. And I have been receiving the "fruits" of doing so.. I can't say that I don't deserve them..

By being so accommodating and accepting of behaviors that, frankly speaking, sometime should not be condoned, I have trapped myself in a situation whereby I cannot stop being accommodating and accepting. Well.. It's not really can't and it's not a chore to be accommodating and accepting. Just that there are times when I get tired and I am down on energy. I'm not perfect. I need break times. I also need ppl who can be accommodating and accepting to me as well. But obviously I have created relationships that do not allow me to have such enjoyment.

Maybe I'm really masochistic. Lol. But once in awhile, I would love to switch roles..

Then again, the optimistic side of me thinks that maybe these ppl also over pamper me to the point that I don't realise it as well. Maybe.. hopefully..

"朋友是我们的镜子，我们的记忆；我们对他们一无所求，只是希望他们时时擦亮这面镜子，让我们可以从中看看自己。" - 米兰.昆德拉

I believe most ppl make the mistake of letting someone who is good for us slip us by. And then we make the second mistake of holding on too tightly to the ppl who are sort of ok but not really good for us, out of fear of repeating the first mistake. Which finally cause us to miss out on the opportunity of meeting somebody who might make our lives great.

Time for a change?

Am I living it wrongly?

我不是一个很会压抑我的心情的人。遇到看不过眼的事，我无法置之不理。可能是很多事情我看得到,但觉得我无能为力吧。所以变得消沉和negative, 觉得面对一些我无法改变的事, 令我觉得疲累不堪 。我知道我应该professional一点,但我却力不从心。

我不想继续这样, 有谁可以教教我吗?

When will we be able to make sense of what we are experiencing?

I thot I have lost my passiveness.. but it seems to have a stronger hold on me than I expected..

Finally the gathering snowball caught up with me. Time to find a good coffin.

When the person you are with makes no grave mistakes, does it make you wrong to decide to leave this person?

Is it a selfish and immature decision to end it?

If two people no longer enjoy the company of the other or if one feels so, if one loses oneself to fulfill the other and gets no satisfaction or happiness, if one knows that there is something that will always be a problem between the two of you, a wedge so huge due to the disparity of value and principle, should one just merely remain to be with the other person just cos they did no real wrong?

I seriously don't agree. I know sometimes I see gray as black or white and I might be too quick to cut ppl out of my life but I do not think that ppl should remain together just becos gg separate ways with this person will make us look bad. Becos they technically did no wrong so that makes us the bad person and make us feel guilty for making that choice.

I believe there is something such as overstaying in other ppl 's life. Ppl come into our lives to give us an experience. Usually they add value or let us learn a lesson. But when they overstay, they stunt our growth. I see a lot of ppl stuck in the diff stages of their lifes.. sometimes it's cos they are unwilling to let go of the past.. sometimes it's cos the ppl they mix with are unwilling to let go of theirs..

So I believe in letting the person go to experience more things in their lifes without me. Staying together will just be overstaying. But having said that, it does not mean that I don't work hard to maintain my relationships with ppl. Just that I don't feel so.... attached.. sometimes I may want to.. but usually it's more of a want than a need.

For all you know, my logic may be faulty. But this is what I've concluded so far.

All thot and no action.

Do I want to live my life like that?

We have all grown in our own ways thruout the yrs..

Sometimes we tend to forget that others have the capacity to grow.. Today I am reminded.

Life is actually a wonderful journey, a story with exciting twists and turns. You will never know the ending until you have read to the last page.

I'm also being reminded that there are still some things I need to be more mature in...

故天将降大任於斯人也，必先苦其心志，劳其筋骨，饿其体肤，空乏其身，行拂乱其所为，所以动心忍性，曾益其所不能。- 孟子

i'm returning you for awhile. no energy.

hmm.. yesterday made me realised that i have things to be grateful for.. maybe in times of difficulty, one gets to see more clearly the things that matter the most..

i am blessed.

am i that unforgiving?

why can't i tolerate mistakes?

sigh..

have i forgotten how to laugh? and find humor in things?

i'm sorry to have made you feel awkward today.