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argh!!!!!!!!

i want to take the temasek poly's dip in psych studies!!! psych plus HR management.. I/O psych lor!! argh!!

sian.. no idea why i get a general psych degree that gets me no where...

am i over qualified to take a dip? ahahahha


nvm.. found postgrad dip on psych.. haha

i'm starting to miss ppl..

haha.. never knew i have these kind of issues..

sharon.. ur virus ah.. pass to me..


temporary.. i hope..


many things to think about and re-evaluate..

argh.. can't sleep to fall asleep these days..

too many things keep popping into my head..

i need to learn how to meditate.. clear the mind.. something..

i shall embark on my second attempt to sleep..

sharon!! haha... since u want to buy books for me.. here's the list... dont have to buy all lar.. but the pike books must be complete.. haha.. dont give me vol 1-4 or something.. hahaha.. very ngiao hor.. ask u buy still so troublesome..

see how many books you want to buy for me lor.. it's in order of want it very much to dont mind having.. so.. dont buy all also can.. buy first few..

thanks.. love u.. muakz.. hahahahha


The Last Vampire Vol 1 - 6
by Christopher Pike
(haha.. if can.. i would like the books with the shiny PIKE word in front one.. hehe..)

The Purpose of Your Life: Finding Your Place In The World Using Synchronicity, Intuition, And Uncommon Sense
by Carol Adrienne, James Redfield

The Celestine Prophecy
by James Redfield

The Tenth Insight: Holding the Vision
by James Redfield

The Secret of Shambhala: In Search of the Eleventh Insight
by James Redfield

been raining the whole day.. spend my noon time running after my dad to go and register some account for buying/selling shares..

totally have no idea wat i was doing.. he bring me there.. i follow.. need to sit down and read about shares and stocks liao.. sigh..


i have decided that i really really need a pair of footwear that will not make me slip during rainy days.. thot i might die in cbd area today.. walk here and there..

lunch crowd in cbd reminds me of arts canteen and its crowd.. groups of ppl going for lunch together.. loners.. ppl chopping seats.. long queues.. the grp dynamics' very interesting..

didn't know that my dad had tuition before.. interesting piece of info.. tuition was also popular in the 70's and 80's.. haha..

my mum's finally better... guess she's going back to work tmr.. age finally caught on to her.. but she's tough..

wanted to say that i hope she live a long life.. but length's never the best way of measuring how good one's life is.. so.. haha.. shall not say more..


----

funny thing.. i was rereading an astro profile that i had gotten done a year ago and i came across this para..

If friends fail you, you hide your bitter disappointment rather than giving them a piece of your mind. Then you become upset but feel powerless to correct the situation since you are incapable of expressing your resentment. On top of that, you will then feel guilty about having any resentment in the first place.

how true..

never quite thot about the profile in a long time.. it seems to sound more like me than the last i rem.. self fulling prophecy? i have no idea..

finally getting some rest.. hope to rest the mind to.. been doing quite a bit of mindless stuff the past couple of days.. feels great..

everything else will have to come next week.. this lady here is resting.. so.. don't disturb unless u want to entertain me.. haha.. won't mind some fun and chat.. and anything that's relaxing..

guess it's good news for ppl who havent ended their exams.. won't be disturbing u all.. hahaha.. except for the occasional pop bys... good luck and jia you bah! the end is near..

good luck my friend..

if u need me.. i'm just a phone call away.. or a cab away..

i'm a happy gal in my happy world.. haha..

been watching movie since yesterday.. from old hk stephen chow movies to korean romantic comedy drama..

7 movies and counting!

sorry.. i shouldn't sound so happy when everyone's mugging.. hehe..

jia you for tests everyone!

my body is happily talking to herself and entertaining herself while she is on the phone with me.. hmm..

i bet if i just leave my phone lying on the table for half an hr, she would not realise that i'm gone lor.. haha..

papers are here.. test is coming.. but.. i am still not feeling it..

usually during these periods... i'll just feel very caged.. rebellious.. 'why must i be tested by a system that sucks? i love learning and nothing else'..

but.. this sem.. it's emptiness that i am feeling.. maybe it's numbness.. i'm not too good with labeling emotions..

nothing to do with education.. nothing to do with procrastination.. it's just something that has been bugging me.. something that i can't chuck.. that i can't ignore..

but.. i have this strong urge to chuck it.. to the furthest corner of the universe..

i fear i do not have the strength to take action.. nor do i have the strength to stay impassive..


values and principles.. wat are mine? they are being challenged.. i know wat i do or dont do will change them..

i guess now i know why ppl push thinking aside and stick to doing.. life is simpler that way..

Ghost Of You And Me Lyrics
Artist(Band):BBMak

What am I supposed to do
With all these blues
Haunting me, everywhere, no matter what I do
Watching the candle flicker out in the evening glow
I cant let go
When will this night be over

I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name for what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me

Seen a lot of broken hearts go sailing by
Phantom ships, lost at sea
And one of them is mine
Raising my glass, I sing a toast to the midnight sky
I wonder why
The stars don't seem to guide me

I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name for what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me

The ghost of you and me
When will it set me free
I hear the voices call
Following footsteps down the hall
Trying to save what's left of my heart and soul

Watching the candle flicker out in the evening glow
I can't let go
When will the night be over

I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name for what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me

I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name for what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me

i had my last lesson in nus two days ago.. it feels so surreal..

glad that i ended my student life with nabs, shar and amanda.. wat could have been better than going for my last lesson with them..




that's if... i dont fail and have to repeat a sem.. ahahha.. touch wood!

the store is not a safe place anymore..

yes.. no more laughing at shar's security issues that includes valuables.. non valuable stuff.. still can.. hahah..

k.. no more joking.. like wat sharon says.. don't leave ur wallet and hp lying around.. bring them with u at all times.. turn into nott if u must.. think 'where's my hp? where's my wallet?'..

so.. yes.. be careful..

so much for posting that i won't be blogging for a month... things u do when u are stressed.. hahhaha..


today's a lovely day...

my book shelves came very early today.. though not assembled yet.. but.. i think i'll have a fun time assembling..

my slippers finally broke.. but it led me and sharon on a trip to clementi to try out fish bones.. buy donuts and bubble tea! haha..

booth manning was amusing cos i keep insisting that the angmo guy is trying to chat up my comm gals.. hahahah.. and daphy and my moment of 'i very scared' and 'i also very scared'.. hahah..

oliver's so nice to pop by and help solve our horrendous data rubbish so that we can start to sort them into coherent info..

nabs came and tried to get me and sharon to go for dinner.. but as usual.. we procrastinate.. haha

louisa jogged by late at night to confirm that my laptop was either hijacked by nabs or shar.. and ended up having a long chat with us.. nabs tried to go home but came back and chatted.. haha.. and yes.. after he left.. we cont... until... there was no more 7 left for shar...

so yes.. this gal here is officially happy again..

not updating for at least a month.

wish everyone well! work wise and studies wise..

sometimes i just don't get it...

maybe i never will..

i shall leave it as such..

wat will i do without sharon..



it's some wat amusing and sad that i ask.. even though i know it wont happen.. and ppl tell me it wont happen too.. and it really didnt happen..

back dated blog post

something about sending my kids to the right schools..

a chat with daphy in store about people and attitudes brought to my attention that schs and their culture are very impt...

who u meet.. their attitudes... the teacher's mindsets... how the school wants to educate and enrich their students' lives.. is very much diff from one sch to another..

from a person who comes from a no name pri sch.. and work her way up to a quite decent sec sch and going back to a not so reputable jc... i've seen how course content changes, teacher's mentalities differ, the wide gap b/w the students' attitudes and many more.. these more or less affected who i am.. wat i come to believe about education.. and the wide diff in the way i reacted and grew in the different schs..

so yar.. really.. next time when u have kids.. find out more about wat the sch provides for their kids.. and wat kind of ppl goes to those schs.. and wat kind of teachers teaches there.. very impt..

i guess i might just end up like the paranoid parents that go queue up and go for balloting and get a house near the sch.. hmm.. scary thot..



something about store and staying over there..

still was tramatized about staying over in sch recently.. was trying to rush out ppt for the next day and proposal for another mod at the same time with sharon..

it was a sad and sorry night cos it rained like nobody's biz.. and we didn't get any sleep.. unless u considered 20mins of closing eyes counted.. and yar.. we literally froze our butt off.. couldn't even find a single part of my body where i can place my hand at to warm them..

but i've got to admit.. i love staying in sch late at night.. and walking around with the night breeze blowing at me... some how.. it's so relaxing.. and with good company.. everything seems less horrible.. and i could even say that there was a teeny bit of fun element..

i can't say that about my journey home and back to sch before the presentation though.. went on a bus that dropped me where i didnt want to go.. and missed my stop when i came back to sch cos i fell asleep in the bus.. had to walk a bus stop length.. and almost missed the presentation that i have spent the whole night preparing for.. but.. for a quick shower.. i guess it's somewat worth it..


something on uni life.. and wat i've learnt..

to be cont

something about me being on a happy pill

to be cont

something about comiserating at k gourmet

to be cont



sorry.. little missy here is totally pissed of by an asshole who loves exerting his 'authority' on ppl just cos he believes that he has the highest status in this dysfunctional house..


pardon the english.. will edit when i finish blogging this post..

i should have went home at 10plus... still in sch.. argh.. sigh..

and.. dickman..u didnt call..

blogging is cathartic.. i feel better already..

sometimes.. u need to face your own feelings and thoughts before you can let some things go.. and i guess the hardest to do.. is to face the person/situation and be brutally honest about wat happened..

learning and growing..


something i read in a book.. modified it slightly..

don't look - i might see wat i don't want to see
don't listen - i might hear wat i don't want to hear
don't think - i might learn wat i don't want to know
don't choose or make a decision - i might regret
don't walk - i might stumble
don't run - i might fall
don't live - i might die

ignorance is bliss? haha.. best not become a pessimist..

ah~~~... i miss laughing at/and doing/saying stupid things..

it made me realised how tense up i have been for the pass week... guess i have been holding my breathe the whole of the week while rushing from meetings to meetings.. morning to night..

so great just to relax with a few friends.. bitching and updating... though short.. but.. enuf to last another wk or two.. hahha

wanted to blog about some random convo that i caught on the bus ride that i was on a few days ago.. but kept forgetting.. and now it's left in bits and pieces..

very interesting cos it was a convo b/w two friends who just grad like not long.. a few yrs.. and their chat on their friends and work...

wonder if i would end up like them...

i bought cai fan from downstairs today..

i asked my ma to buy dinner..

and guess wat..

she bought the same liao4 as i did..

hahaha.. shows that she knows wat i like.. to be able to pick the same liao4 from 20 diff kinds...

waiting..

why do ppl wait?

ppl wait for the things they want.. be it a person they want to meet.. something they want to see or have..

to me.. the amount of time, effort and energy spent on waiting equates to the importance of watever i'm waiting for..

waiting: To remain or rest in expectation

i guess expectation is the key in the above definition.. when it's not met i guess i can say that the person who waited, wasted his/her time, effort, etc..

well.. waiting or not.. it's a personal choice.. and i guess only i can know whether it's worth the wait..

waiting requires patience..

patience: an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay

and that is something i seem to be losing.. i don't know.. i guess i'm just getting tired cos i'm alway waiting.. 22yrs of waiting for various things and ppl...

sometimes i wonder all the waiting i did in the past.. was it worth it.. wat happens when i don't wait.. wat happens if i just run my pace without caring if i left anyone or anything behind.. but i always couldn't bring myself to do that.. cos i'll always be asking myself this qn... wat if i miss something that could have been the most impt part of my life?

so i guess... waiting will still very much be a part time job of mine.. just that i need to cultivate my patience.. and be able to accept that though i've waited, i may not get wat i've been waiting for..

two chances i missed.. just because i'm trying to prove that i can do it.. for the ego.. and wat do i get in the end?

i have no idea..

i guess today's just not my day.. even the weather's against me.. hot like hell..

why do i still do it time and time again even though the same thing gets thrown back at me?

i don't understand..



slightly depressing to come home to see some celebration downstairs that is too loud, the house is empty and i am hungry..

meetings and meetings... there goes my recess wk..

hmm...

maybe i do mind..




anyway... nott and i talk too much crap at night.. haha.. singtel should bar our calls to each other.. otherwise the telephone cables might spoil with overload of bhb-ness and lame-ness..



and.. i think i deserve a pat on the shoulders for a job well done today.. hhahahaha...



erm.. hhaha... i need sleep.. i edited the previous line... the unedited version was 'a pat on the head'.. wahahahahha

miss dickman is 22!!!

but that does not mean that she grew any wiser.. or should i say... less bimbotic..


incident a few hrs ago..

i was commenting on a couple that i saw while we started walking aimlessly in vivo.. after walking around for sometime.. i commented on them again when i saw the guy without his gf..

sharon was very amused and said.. 'how come u observe until like that.. for a person who is says she is so.... wat's the word u describe urself? the D word.. the two syllable D word..' (convo was cut short and edited to facilitate understanding)

we were guessing our head off for some time before it dawned on me wat that word could have been... and i asked her.. 'is the word oblivious that u are looking for?'

and she went.. 'yar!!!'

i swear if we could pengz like the characters in the anime... we would..

tell me.. how is oblivious a D word that is two syllable?

maybe it can only be found in her dictionary.. haha

Your Score: 9 - the Peacemaker

your Enneagram type is NINE (aka "The Mediator")

"I am at peace"

Peacemakers are receptive, good-natured, and supportive. They seek union with others and the world around them.


How to Get Along with Me

• If you want me to do something, how you ask is important. I especially don't like expectations or pressure.


• I like to listen and to be of service, but don't take advantage of this.


• Listen until I finish speaking, even though I meander a bit.


• Give me time to finish things and make decisions. It's OK to nudge me gently and nonjudgmentally.


• Ask me questions to help me get clear.


• Tell me when you like how I look. I'm not averse to flattery.


• Hug me, show physical affection. It opens me up to my feelings.


• I like a good discussion but not a confrontation.


• Let me know you like what I've done or said.


• Laugh with me and share in my enjoyment of life.

What I Like About Being a NINE

• being nonjudgmental and accepting


• caring for and being concerned about others


• being able to relax and have a good time


• knowing that most people enjoy my company; I'm easy to be around


• my ability to see many different sides of an issue and to be a good mediator and facilitator


• my heightened awareness of sensations, aesthetics, and the here and now


• being able to go with the flow and feel one with the universe

What's Hard About Being a NINE

• being judged and misunderstood for being placid and/or indecisive


• being critical of myself for lacking initiative and discipline


• being too sensitive to criticism; taking every raised eyebrow and twitch of the mouth personally


• being confused about what I really want


• caring too much about what others will think of me


• not being listened to or taken seriously

NINEs as Children Often

• feel ignored and that their wants, opinions, and feelings are unimportant
  


• tune out a lot, especially when others argue


• are "good" children: deny anger or keep it to themselves
  

NINEs as Parents

• are supportive, kind, and warm


• are sometimes overly permissive or nondirective

hmm... i guess over doing things can be irritating..

though u don't read blogs.. but i just want to say that i am a tad annoyed of ur antics... one time, it's called funny... but again and again.. that's very bo liao..

and i realised that i have been reducing contact with u... cos... i can't stand it..

i might just cease to be anywhere near u.. whenever i have the choice..

i am going to start mugging!!!

well.. already started reading articles lar.. hahha counted?

cybercrime exam coming up.. so.. 5 lectures to read..

lab in social (so not going to call it lab in person and grp cog.. no relevance) proposal... it's journal article digging time..

lab in memory and cog proposal.. idea!!! journals!!

so yes.. alot to read..

i am going to camp in sch weekday nights and weekends.. want to join me?

haha.. tingting is turning into a mugger..

very random post..

the store is very cold today..

it's very odd that now's the fifth week of sch.. i haven't even had the feeling that school started..

i've been getting in the habit of being late.. is it when i give up on the possibility that ppl will be punctual that i lose my ability to keep time?

i'm still unable to say wat i have to say when i don't feel it.. how to feel it and then say it? my inability to feel has worsen..

everyday seems to pass in a blur.. no anticipation.. nothing to look forward too.. gosh.. i sound love sick.. hahha

brings me back to the point about wat's the pt in doing the things that i'm doing... to wat ends.. thru wat means.. i have no idea.. i'm doing cos if i don't do... i know nothing else to do..

i'm dropping.. dropping back to my baseline.. save me..

hmm...

it's the fifth week of school... wat have i been doing?

school doesn't feel quite like school.. i don't feel like i'm a student..


side note... i love ramadhar.. i think he reminds me of how much i used to love studying and learning...

i pick nabs over anyone else..

he's so lovable!! haha..

learn from it..

that's all i can say..

put the feelings aside and look at it objectively..

i'm glad i'm blessed with retarded emotions..



haha.. think i'm getting better at this.. less than an hr to get my thinking side back up..

wat i want may not be wat other ppl want..

many a times i've been a smart alec.. imposing wat i think is best and right onto others..

irony...or should i say scary.. i'm actually quite like my dad..

something that i have tried not to be for the past 22yrs... i end up becoming.. wat a joke..

it will prob hurt for quite a long time..

i guess i deserved it..

"Nobody's Home" - Avril Lavigne

well I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
she felt it, every day
and I couldn't help her
I just watched her make the same mistakes again
whats wrong whats wrong now
too many too many problems
don't know where she belongs
where she belongs

she wants to go home
but nobodys home
thats where she lies broken inside
no place to go, no place to go
to dry her eyes broken inside

open your eyes
and look outside
find the reasons why
you've been rejected
and now you can't find what you've left behind
be strong be strong now
too many too many problems
dont' know where she belongs
where she belongs

she wants to go home
but nobodys home
thats where she lies broken inside
no place to go, no place to go
to dry her eyes broken inside

her feelings she hides
her dreams she can't find
she's losing her mind
she's falling behind
she can't find her place
she's losing her faith
she's falling from grace
she's all over the place

yeah (yeah)

chorus again

she's lost inside, lost inside (2 x's)
oh, oh, yeah

my dad just asked me if i had stepped down from committee work...

i have no idea how to tell him that i have stepped down and re-ran... not that i can't.. just that he can't accept and understand my passion for society work..

to him and my mum.. it's some frivolous hobby of mine.. but to me.. it's such an impt part of my life..

2 years of society life... the ups and downs of being in committee... i can honestly say that i've not regretted one bit giving wat i could give to the society and receiving wat was given in return..

the friends, the skills and the knowledge gained was boundless...

i know that society work will be heavy... i know that school work is heavy... i know that my grandma needs people to take care of her... i know that there are house chores to be done... but i'm willing to shape up my planning and time management abilities to deal with all of these responsibilities...

i just want to tell them to give me a chance to do that... to learn how to handle bigger responsibilities.. to allow me to push my boundaries.. to test my limit..

i know no other way someone can grow.. if they are always being limited.. being told that this is all that they can have and take..

they have good intentions.. but.. being overprotective... is..... suffocating..

i'm 22.. i believe i have the choice to decide my future..


how am i going to tell them all this without sounding rude and naive?

i really am not interested to hide from them that i'm still in committee.. can't parents be more accepting and not get heart attacks by harmless decisions that their children make?

i have grown much this past year.. being in comm was an experience for me..

uni life as a student didn't change me much... the ppl i meet in uni did..


hmm.. need to give more time for reflections.. i'm getting the hang of it.. very enjoyable process..

i may be paying for my ignorance.. ah well.. a lesson well learnt..

ah.. only internet explorer allows me to blog when i use wireless@sg.. now i know..

but.. i've forgotten wat i wanted to blog about..


oh yes.. by the way.. internet connection is down... getting my connection on and off on wireless@sg.. so... u all'll see me on and off..

i've not thot about how's school life now, with u no longer there... probably a qn that i never quite dare to ask myself.. it's a qn that i want to put in the chucking list.. and it was made easier with sch starting so hecticly..

hmm.. i'm starting to get the sense of wat my chucking list is about... but that's another topic for another time when i sort out wat that list really meant..

it's only two weeks into sch term... maybe that's why i keep thinking that u are still here.. just that we are not taking any modules together nor meeting up to talk about society stuff.. sometimes i rem that u have graduated cos something looks amiss when i sit at the table.. when i walk around sch..

ur presence is definitely missed whenever i step into the clementi macs.. some how it never feels right when i sit inside there and don't see u.. and i sometimes half expect u to walk in looking like a zombie saying that u are sorry for being late.. no more late night chats there.. nor 50cents ice cream and medium sized green tea...

many of us seem to linger at the table more often and stay later alittle in sch to chat and have dinner together... that's probably our way of coping.. to not feel so lost midst finding a new pattern of sch life to replace the old one which has been disrupted since u all left..


SOME PEOPLE

Some people come into our lives
and leave footprints on our hearts
and we are never ever the same.

Some people come into our lives
and quickly go... Some stay for awhile
and embrace our silent dreams.

They help us become aware
of the delicate winds of hope...
and we discover within every human spirit
there are wings yearning to fly.

They help our hearts to see that
the only stairway to the stars
is woven with dreams...
and we find ourselves
unafraid to reach high.

They celebrate the true essence
of who we are...
and have faith in all
that we may become.

Some people awaken us
to new and deeper realizations...
for we gain insight
from the passing whisper of their wisdom

Throughout our lives we are sent
precious souls...
meant to share our journey
however brief or lasting their stay
they remind us why we are here.

To learn... to teach... to nurture... to love

Some people come into our lives
to cast a steady light
upon our path and guide our every step
their shining belief in us
helps us to believe in ourselves.

Some people come into our
lives to teach us about love...
The love that rests within ourselves.

Let us reach out to others
and feel the bliss of giving
for love is far richer in action
that it ever is in words.

Some people come into our lives
and they move our souls to sing
and make our spirits dance.

They help us to see that everything on earth
is part of the incredibility of life...
and that it is always there
for us to take of its joy.

Some people come into our lives
and leave footprints on our hearts
and we are never ever the same.

~by Flavia Weedn~

school will definitely never be the same again with all of u gone..

i didn't realise how much much i missed ping pong till last night..

the synergy.. the high level of understanding and communication.. the prefect complementary and in sync thought processes..





(for those who don't know.. ping pong is not the sport but just discussion that is very smooth and mentally stimulating.. more of describing the back and forth bouncing of ideas, suggestions etc off each other)

i just realised i have a lot of books that i can read...


at least 14 half read books are staring at me from my bookshelf

4 half read lib books that i can't seem to finish within the due date

a dozen psych textbooks that are actually quite interesting but was dulled and chucked aside as they remind me too much of the horrid exams that i had to go thru..


shall take my time clearing them when i'm more free to read and stop whining to myself that i have no books to read..

i seem to have fewer and fewer thots that pass thru my head...

and even when i do have some.. they seem to disappear as quickly as they came..

maybe this is the true definition of an air head...

finally it's going to be fri...

and i have not died yet.. haha

we shall see..

video's still not done.. argh!!!!

can u believe that hell week can start on the first week of sch??????


maybe i really should just concentrate on studying..

why do i have to care so much and fight so hard?

to do it on my own?

impossible.

but who would want to sacrifice?



i just want to get by this week..

oh! someone fell of her bed twice in less than 2hrs..

finally went to suan ming...

very interesting things were brought up..

we shall see if they come true..

to dream or not to dream?

tough decision..

freaky..

astro report:
Take time to learn the art of acquiescence -- that is, of finding a way to accommodate others for the sake of progress. If you're normally of a take-charge, dominating nature, this will be difficult. But even if you are generally a dominating person, you should respond to the need for expediency: Sometimes it's better to speed things up so everything can move forward rather than stagnating. This may be a humbling experience for you, but if you can manage to back down or step aside, it will be a valuable lesson. Take this experience as an opportunity to look for flaws in your thinking or course of action, to remedy any errors you've made and to get your attitude in line in terms of how you're reacting emotionally to the situation at hand. Be open to humility; remember that you can't be correct, efficient or clear-headed all the time, and this is likely to be one of the times when you aren't. If you resist the lessons of this time, if you try to exert your will against the opposition, you'll find it doesn't work -- and you'll be filled with a general sense of static or dissonance. Loosening up is the best idea.

am i really that accurate?

i need a bigger sample size.. but my method too tedious and too long a time period needed.. and some bit of luck..

i received a news that i think anyone would at least have some reaction to.. but i felt nothing..

i wonder if i will ever receive a news that is shocking.. not that i foresaw the news that came.. it was a time bomb that was waiting to happen..

just..

it makes me wonder yet again if i have the capacity to feel any emotions.. why i don't get upset.. why i don't feel worried..

my mind and heart's so calm as if i didn't even get the news.. it's scary.. i think i'm scary.. like some heartless creature..

how is it that i can feel more for a social construct than for human beings in flesh and blood.. i have no idea..

it has been a long night..

i'm thinking.. but.. there's nothing to think about.. or maybe i don't know where to start thinking from.. or wat is there to think about...

hmm...

clueless..

hmm.. come to think of it.. i'm graduating.. it's good! haha..

looking forward to find a job i love..

why do i always have itchy hand to go and do the horoscope/astro/tarot stuff that i see on my friend's blog..

You are The Lovers

Motive, power, and action, arising from Inspiration and Impulse.

The Lovers represents intuition and inspiration. Very often a choice needs to be made.

Originally, this card was called just LOVE. And that's actually more apt than "Lovers." Love follows in this sequence of growth and maturity. And, coming after the Emperor, who is about control, it is a radical change in perspective. LOVE is a force that makes you choose and decide for reasons you often can't understand; it makes you surrender control to a higher power. And that is what this card is all about. Finding something or someone who is so much a part of yourself, so perfectly attuned to you and you to them, that you cannot, dare not resist. This card indicates that the you have or will come across a person, career, challenge or thing that you will fall in love with. You will know instinctively that you must have this, even if it means diverging from your chosen path. No matter the difficulties, without it you will never be complete.

was looking at this comic strip.. want to upload but cannot copyright.. so.. bear with the words..


the comic strip..

1. jon was reading newspaper that was placed on the table..

2. garfield came walking by and sat squarely on the newspaper jon was reading..

3. jon, being unable to read the papers.. shouted at garfield to get off his newspaper..

4. garfield replied saying 'you know, all u had to do was ask. there's no need to lose ur temper.'

5. and it ended with garfield leaving the newspaper.. and jon was left with a newspaper that is in strips of curls..


well.. wat to say..

firstly.. true.. most of the time, ppl just have to ask nicely and things will be done to the way they requested.. note... it is requested.. not demanded.. not threatened.. not ordered.. but most ppl just won't do it the nice way.. even i am guilty of it sometimes..

and.. very naturally.. when u don't do it the nice way when u could have.. the end result is most likely to be that of the ripped newspaper that jon got back in the end..

that's life.. shown in a simple way thru a comic strip..


hope it serves as a reminder to everyone.. i'll definitely keep it in mind..

the funny reasons that ppl give... don't they even blush at the absurdity of it all..

totally amused.. totally.. i'm just shy of giving up the idea that things will get done with them around..

i guess... one person's strength isn't enuf.. a black hole..



*for friends who are reading this (as in ppl like shar, nott, nanana.. not those who stalk me without me knowing)... may there be highlights for u to see the truth.. hahahha

had the weirdest night....

sitting at a bus stop with a friend who's on the phone, talking about her physical progression with guys and later on progress to talk about the experiences that her other friends have shared with her, is so..... i don't know wat to say.. all i could do is to hum a tune repeatedly to entertain myself and try not to remember wat she said.. too much info.. and especially when her friends that she talked about are those that i have seen before.. i wonder wat images i will have if i see them again.. ok, better not think..

and later on....

standing in front of a guy friend and a gal friend, listening to the gal friend telling the guy friend about my cup size and how good i look in a plunging neckline dress, is so... yar.. lost of words.. it got worst when she said she think i look bigger than the size i said i was.. faint.. think the guy kenna dissonance.. and he didn't know how to continue with the convo.. haha.. now.. that was the only funny part from how i saw it..

no more late night coffee outings when my gal friend is tired and sprouting rubbish..

maybe being able to physically leave a place is a good thing.. emotional bagagges can be left behind as u leave the place behind..

i need to remember to put them down when the time comes..
and don't look back..

perceptions.. wat do i say about them?

i have a love hate r/s with them..

matters of the heart and mind... things which i cannot fathom..

why are things so complex?

or should i ask... why do ppl see things as so complex?


i'm a simple minded gal that wants a simple life...


i can take it.. but.. it's tiring.. to always be thinking in other ppl's shoes.. sometimes i feel like saying.. get the hell out.. why do i have to be the one to understand... to take a step back so that u can take a step forward.. why must i be mature and live and let live.. i want to be unreasonable, irrational and illogical..

i want to be a brat.. i don't want to care about consequence...


ignore me.. i'm ranting..

will hit big bird once i'm done and be kuku and happy again..

July.. a month of leaving..

With casey and cai’s departure last fri… vi flying off last sat.. and graduation of nott and all last sun..

Hmm.. maybe should change it to the week of leaving..

k.. jokes aside..

goodbyes.. I’m never good with them.. never knew wat to say or wat to do..

maybe a part of me wishes that it’s not true that they are not leaving.. or the other part of me which says.. yes, they are leaving, but this is not the end.. we will still meet and we are still there for each other even though we are physically worlds apart..

yet still there is another part of me that fears that I would burst out crying while saying goodbyes.. and the thought that we might not cross each others’ paths again..

its just too unbearable I guess.. that’s why I’d rather stand in one corner and not say anything.. not wanting to take about the future and give promises of meeting up at whichever date or time.. I don’t want to be disappointed when that day comes and we all could not be there..

still living in denial that I’m graduating at the end of the year.. there is so much I want to do.. so many things I want to try.. so many ppl that I want to spend more time with..

left with 5 months.. where to spend it on?

it's so easy to chuck things into a corner and not think about them..

it's even better when i'm a very forgetful person..


not a very easy feat when..

1. the things u want to chuck into a corner are very salient
2. they keep popping up in almost every conversation that u have..
3. they keep coming out of their corner and stare at u in the face..


chucking..

it only takes the simplest words to touch the hearts..

another year of memories to add to the old ones..

alot of thots and reflections..

just realised that it's my last camp too.. hah.. kept thinking that i'll be participating in the future camps forever..

last one.. sounds so final..

i don't want to leave too..

a mad rush to the finishing line.. or maybe.. to the starting line..

a whirlwind of activities.. and more to come!!

hang in there!!!!

i want sleep..

you are the most hateful person on this earth..

but u will never know that cos u think u are so perfect..

i don't want to grow up to be like u..

it's very interesting to see from an outsider's view pt of ppl doing the things that i have done before.. it gives me more perspective of what i have gained from those experiences and the things that i have taken for granted of..

i've come to realise that every step or action taken in the process of planning, preparation and execution of an event is very impt.. even the smallest and seemingly most insignificant ones.. a step that was overlooked or deemed unimpt can cause the whole plan to go off course.. there needs to be coherence in everything that is to be done and awareness that effects ripple.. preempting and playing out the diff possible ripple effects of an action is very impt.. learning not to freak out when things look doomed is uttermost impt.. haha

damn.. i'm going to turn into a cheryl nott.. not that she's not good.. she is very zai.. but scary~..

and i can now see how much i have grown from then.. in skills, knowledge and ability.. i've changed quite alot too.. some good some bad.. hmm.. must learn to be less overbearing and listen to others more when they talk.. to be a supporting role and learn from each and every one.. abilities which i seem to have lost over this past year..

oh yes.. no idea when i've picked up the bad habit of not being able to let go.. i need to know that as long as i've done my best to inform and beg ppl to use my helpline service, i have done my part.. and be able to accept that things will not be as wat i hoped and that i cannot control the situation as i like.. for i'm no longer part of that situation.. letting go and letting things flow.. thing may not be as bad as it seems..

'being able to accept watever outcome with a peaceful mind' is wat i have to learn to attain..

well..

i had a nice start today.. yes~.. thanks to shar and her cheap thrill...

and a nice end for today.. with an unexpected smooth flowing convo with the family which did not end in an argument.. and a quick and fun buying trip before the stores in imm close..

should i ask for more?

maybe wat happened in between shouldn't matter and i should just be thankful for wat happy moments i had..

learning to appreciate no matter wat situation i'm given..

I used to be able to trust people so easily, to believe that people deserve second chances and that they have the ability or the potential as long as someone is willing to give them that chance.. I believed that miracles can happen.. that ppl can change.. that things will always turn for the better..

Funny thing how these thots disappeared in less than a year.. amazing how some ppl and events can have so much power to do that.. and you are right.. I’ve become so jaded that even I feel scary that I am so much so.. I’m tired.. nothing’s helping..

But I believe it’s a phase.. I just need to work it out.. I need to find my inner strength.. to find back my believe.. I need to find my motivation.. it’s my battle that I must fight.. or maybe not a battle but something I have to seek within myself.. I don’t want it to come from outside cos once that’s gone, I’ll lose energy again.. I need to find it from within.. my own drive..

It’s not that hard.. it’s already there.. just that whether I want to rid myself of that bitter taste that they have failed me time and time again.. well.. my pettiness usually don’t last too long.. it’s still there cos I don’t want to let it go.. childish I guess.. maybe to me, it’s a revenge of sorts.. perverse way of dealing with the current situation.. to make me feel at ease with myself without having to literally kill ppl and get myself into prison for that..

Ah well.. it’s time to let go.. I have to do wat I have to do.. emotionally, logically and practicality-wise it makes the most sense.. I’d be stupid not to take that route.. and yes.. I might just regret it someday if I chose not to do it.. I’m not into reducing cognitive dissonances for wat-I-could-but-did-not-do stuff.. I might just blame myself till the day I die..

So.. in order for me not regret and u trying to comfort me on my death bed that it wasn’t my fault.. and frankly speaking we have one too many topics to cover on my/your death bed.. we don’t need to add this thing to that list.. haha.. and just maybe, maturity does come with age.. turning 22 makes me feel that I need to learn to be more mature..


It’s not for me to punish, though they may deserve the punishment..
(this is a time when I want to believe that there is a god.. but then again.. gods should be nice and all forgiving..)

People should not suffer for the mistake that were made by others..

I do not want to look back and see a life full of regrets..

There is always hope.. as long and you believe..
(well.. not really hope.. I personally don’t like the word hope.. too helpless and too up to fate kind of thing.. I like to see it as having the possibility to come true.. sorry.. a maths person here..)

Hey, it’s june! lets create that spark that will cause a forest fire!
(lame.. but hey, u cannot say it is not creative right? Hah)

suddenly realise that i have forgotten how 好 胜 i used to be.. i used to tell myself how come that person can do it? if that person can, i can too.. it's just about how much effort and hard work i am willing to put into it..

it's been a long time since i use it to improve myself.. now.. the only time it ever shows up is when i'm arguing with ppl.. i don't back down from arguments cos it feels like i've lost and i also don't like to be wrong.. well.. that's something that i still need to change.. learning to keep my mouth from saying things that will make situation worse.. learning to see that i may be wrong and accepting it..

time to start using my 好 胜-ness to my advantage.. finding a role model..

talking about moving out of home..

i think i forgot to blog that.. my one month's stay in hall is the most peaceful and enjoyable time in my whole almost 22 years of my life..

i think maybe i'm meant to stay away from home.. no conflicts.. no quarrels.. my own time, own pace.. i think i get more concern from my parents when i'm away from home than at home.. funny thing.. the less we all see of each other.. it seems.. the more concern we show..

but where got chance to move out of home.. must have money, find house, find ppl to share with etc etc.. siong ah..

but can dream about it lar.. hahahha

我也很想他

那时我们总有好多话 什么事都可以讲
我的爱情比你早 却一直放在心上
后来你们之间的变化 我不想再多说话
经过了相遇和挣扎 我还是无法将他放下

那是多久后的事了 有一天你突然问我
在那个时候 是否也爱著他

我也很想他 我们都一样 在他的身上
曾找到翅膀 只是那时的他 是因为你他开始飞翔
我也很想他 在某个地方 我少了尴尬 你少了肩膀
而夏天还是那么短 思念却很长 (我们都一样)

那时我们总有好多话 什么事都可以讲
我的爱情比你早 却一直放在心上
后来你们之间的变化 我不想再多说话
经过了相遇和挣扎 我还是无法将他放下

那是多久后的事了 有一天你突然问我
在那个时候 是否也爱著他

我也很想他 我们都一样 在他的身上
曾找到翅膀 只是那时的他 是因为你他开始飞翔
我也很想他 在某个地方 我少了尴尬 你少了肩膀
而夏天还是那么短 思念却很长

还记得 那年我们三个许下的愿望
星星骗了我们 我们却因此上了一课
成长必修的学分

我也很想他 我们都一样 在他的身上
曾找到翅膀 只是那时的他 是因为你他开始飞翔
我也很想他 在某个地方 我少了尴尬 你少了肩膀
而夏天还是那么短 思念却很长
我们都一样

feeling like crap..

something from the papers..

"better by far you should forget and smile than that you should remember and be sad."
-christina georgina rossetti, english poet

is it so hard to trust?

sigh..

maybe they just fear to lose the ppl they care about.. controlling other's actions and decisions is just a way to prevent ppl they love from harm..

but.. how long can one keep others by their side? how long can they 'protect' them? how many know that they meant well though it may not be the best method to keep their love ones safe?

i feel like a bird trapped in a cage.. well fed.. well taken care off.. but.. will i ever be free?

freaky freaky..

i woke up today at 8 plus.. very perplex as to why i woke up so early.. usually i wake up at 12 or when my alarm rings.. after lazing in my bed, i came out to check my laptop at 9 plus.. lo and behold.. nott msned me at 8.30..

i was thinking that it was just a coincidence when i suddenly remembered that the last part of my dream before i woke up was of nott talking to me..

scary thot..

haha.. and yes.. amanda, don't jealous k? hahahahah

i got comments.. too long for shar's blog though..

my take on r/s..

hmm.. true about friendship being longer lasting than r/s.. but i think self-fulfilling prophecy plays an impt part.. not alot of ppl would think of their r/s as permanent.. most would think that it is relatively permanent... alot of those who think that r/s is a one time affair that leads to marriage and says 'this is it and there's no other' tends to stay long in r/s and get married.. i always think the some who didn't is cos their other half does not think the same way...

the reasons that ppl get attached are also very impt determinants.. one thing i want to say.. there is a difference between needs and expectations or wants... i think ppl who meet each other's needs will stay together longer.. cos expectations are very much of matching the person u have with the ideal in ur head and see how much it fits.. and wants can be quite frivolous sometimes..

sunken cost is never the best reason to remain in a r/s... cos though u spent x no. of yrs to make this r/s work and x amt of time and effort to make it thru... but imagine.. u may be spending 10x-20x amt of time and years to endure the same things that u have been enduring.. a few years, yes... but... 40 years? 50? some ppl have alot of patience to wait for a change to occur in the other person.. some ppl just get used to wat they don't like.. and some ppl choose to actively seek wat they love/like in another person... so.. i guess is up to the individual bah..

haha.. i don't think ppl get into r/s with solely reproduction in mind.. the act before reproduction is more likely.. hahaha... and being in r/s it becomes more acceptable... and.. it's a more stable one compared to one night stands.. less risk.. hahha.. so yes.. hahaha.. fruit for thot?

haha.. sorry.. can't resist a pun..

work work work...

alot of things to do... cannot waste time already..

drew up a list of things i have to do during hols and it came up to a 20 over list of things to be done..

kill me..

think i very bim today.. shar will agree..

it started with the drink buying incident.. and never did stopped..

was at arts open house today.. very few ppl.. i wonder why... but.. that's not the pt.. back to drink buying.. me and shar were walking from as1 to as6 to buy drink from the vending machine.. the table that psych was at was just 3 tables away from the vending machine.. we walked and walked.. and we ended up walking pass it and walked all the way towards the as6 toilet... shar had to ask where was i going before i realised that i overshot the vending machine by so much..

said alot of oops things during lunch with linyen, eugene, minrui, nabil and shar..

then me and shar had to go store restock take.. did alot of stupid things in the store while repacking.. think we were laughing at each other for the 3hrs we spent there.. and i swear yy is crazy.. sprouting incomprehensible things thru out packing.. haha..

oh.. and haha.. after dinner, i thot he going to tampines so i took bus from the bus stop below mrt.. but when i reach home shar told me he only going tampines tmr.. haha i wonder where i get the idea that he going tampines today.. weird..


ohoh... the guy in geog shirt looks quite cute.. hahaha.. i was blatantly staring at him lar.. hahhahaha.. think he not student.. maybe TA.. look too young to be lecturer..

funny thing how i blog so much lesser when i'm having hols than when i'm having classes..

alot of thots these few weeks but.. still thinking in progress..

keep opening the new post in blogger but had nothing to write.. don't know why..


been feeling a bit.. restless? don't know.. just find myself in high avoidance mode.. like don't want to think.. don't want to do things that i need to do..

"What You Do About Me"

I wish that I was her and I wish that she was me
You gotta let her go, and I know that you agree
'Cause how could this ever start?
If you're afraid to break her heart?
You say you love me so
You have to let her know

[Chorus]
All that she wants is you
All that she sees is you
All that you gotta do
It's to set her free
That's what
That's what
What you do about me

Love's not an easy thing
Always somebody gets hurt
I know you were meant for me, even though she saw you first
But deal with her honestly
I won't let you cheat with me
I guess you never knew
What you put yourself into

[Chorus]

We could beautiful
We could be so special
We could be wonderful

[Chorus 2x]

"The Day You Went Away"

[VERSE 1]
Well I wonder could it be
When I was dreaming 'bout you baby
You were dreaming of me
Call me crazy, call me blind
To still be suffering is stupid after all of this time

[PRE-CHORUS 1]
Did I lose my love to someone better
And does she love you like I do
I do, you know I really really do

[CHORUS]
Well hey
So much I need to say
Been lonely since the day
The day you went away
So sad but true
For me there's only you
Been crying since the day
The day you went away

[VERSE 2]
I remember date and time
September twenty second
Sunday twenty five after nine
In the doorway with your case
No longer shouting at each other
There were tears on our faces

[PRE-CHORUS 2]
And we were letting go of something special
Something we'll never have again
I know, I guess I really really know

[CHORUS]
The day you went away
The day you went away

[PRE-CHORUS 1]
[CHORUS]

[BRIDGE]
Why do we never know what we've got 'til it's gone
How could I carry on
The day you went away
Cause I've been missing you so much I have to say
Been crying since the day
The day you went away

The day you went away
The day you went away

funny thing how some things don't change.. 5 yrs ago i've been teased almost the exact same way that i'm getting now.. that feeling and wat happened, i almost forgot..

5 yrs of drought since then and now, it's back again.. the similarity is startling.. the teasing.. the 'can't seem to get out from the firing zone' kind of feeling..

a different bunch of friends.. a different guy.. a different situation.. a different perspective..

i'm no longer 17.. no longer curious of the unknown.. no longer take issues of the heart lightly.. and no longer have the 'just try and i might just find out that this is actually wat i want' kind of attitude..

i believe my callousness 5 yrs ago hurt someone.. i don't want to make the same mistakes..

yes.. i'm a person that doesn't like making mistakes.. no matter whether it's the same one or a new one..

i'm a passivist.. and i believe in que sera sera..

so.. wat will be, will be..

i will not be dwelling on this issue.. there are other things to do and think about..

and anyway.. there is no need to make any decisions or take any actions about it.. shall just let the teasing be the graduating gift for u all.. have some cheap thrill while u all can..

forgot to post that I AM FREE!!

hahah.. finally exams ended.. and no, i'm not saying i'm free of charge.. i'm saying i'm free from textbooks, lecture notes, readings and webcasts for 3 months..

detached
adj.
-Marked by an absence of emotional involvement and an aloof, impersonal objectivity.

cynical
adj.
-Believing or showing the belief that people are motivated chiefly by base or selfish concerns; skeptical of the motives of others.



not cynical leh.. don't believe the worst in ppl.. not really the worst in ppl.. but just.. i don't think cynically..

still think is more of detached...

but yes.. lack of surprise as an emotion and clamping down...

hmm.. now i have to re evaluated and trying to see how things link..

haha.. things that have occurred are starting to make sense..

interesting.. how lost i was for 20 plus years.. not being able to put words to wat i've experienced..

shaming a child is no good but guilt tripping them is ok...

hahaha.. interesting things u learn when studying for exams..

it's been a long time since i've given anyone a birthday present.. on my own.. not sharing with others..

why?

i miss those days when i gave presents that i took care to select... for friends that meant alot to me.. instead of just chip in money for a grp present..

also.. think that technologies reduced festive greetings and birthdays to a less than 160 characters sms.. sad.. where did the cards go.. though i'm guilty of using it myself..

saw 3 ppl in the usually empty toilet of my hall.. maybe ppl only appear at 11 plus at night..

either they seem shocked to see me or they are also shock by the fact the toilet has alot of ppl..

interesting things they wear to the toilet.. never considered bathing towel as a piece of clothing which u can parade around in until now.. hahha

i wonder if best friend was still staying here.. and he saw.. wat would he say.. hahaha

it's turning draggy.. when will exams end???

but.. considering how much readings i have not touched yet.. i don't hope that thu come any time faster..

Give me a dozen healthy infants, well-formed, and my own specified world to bring them up in and i'll guarantee to take any one at random and train him to become any type of specialist i might select-doctor, lawyer, artist, merchant chief, and yes, even beggarman and thief, regardless of his talents, penchants, tendencies, abilities, vocations and race of his ancestors.

J. B. Watson

how i wish i am trained to take the exams! argh.. dev paper looks damn hard..

haha.. i think i know where body get her weird facts from..

i was watching nuscast in sch... found out they have discovery channel... so went to watch it.. guess wat.. they were interviewing this japanese scientist that does research on sound and it's effects on human mind and body.. he was showing a research that he did on designing ringtones to change human physiology.. it was on a particular ringtone which could enlarge breasts of women if they hear it often enuf.. hahha.. cool right?

the ringtone is made up of baby crying sound and sounds which activates the brain to recognise the crying.. it worked on the principle that women when they hear baby cry often enuf.. their breast will enlarge...

they tested it and it showed that within a few weeks.. the lady that was listening to the ringtone had her breast enlarged by 3cm.. haha.. i believe plastic surgeons will be out of job soon...

oh.. i believe there are ppl who won't want to hear and have that ringtone.. so beware... hahah.. it's call the rock melon ringtone.. how apt.. ahhahahha

for nanana.. haha the song title is this.. congrats on graduating!

月桂女神 -S.H.E.

传说漫长　浩瀚如史诗般　记忆这段　惶惶不安
颜色金黄　阿波罗的光芒　却比不上　达芙妮的勇敢

没有一种爱可以　在自由　之上 Woo~
达芙妮的伤　化身　月桂树倔强

月桂树漂香　那夜风恋月光　我的爱　很不一样
素净的脸上　从不抹浓妆坚持　自己喜欢
月桂树漂香　云缠绕星光我要　有话就讲
无边的海洋　那辽阔的想像比谁　都不平凡

森林河畔　阿波罗在追赶 (哭著)　哭著戴上　达芙妮的桂冠
被束缚的爱　已经　没有了　温暖 Ho~ 　达芙妮的伤心疼　千年间流传

月桂树漂香　那夜风恋月光　我的爱　很不一样
素净的脸上　从不抹浓妆坚持　自己喜欢
月桂树漂香　云缠绕星光我要　有话就讲
无边的海洋　那辽阔的想像比谁　都不平凡

爱摇晃　爱靠岸　我航向了前方　寻找桂冠

月桂树漂香　那夜风恋月光　我的爱　很不一样 (很不一样)
素净的脸上　从不抹浓妆坚持　自己喜欢
月桂树漂香　云缠绕星光我要　有话就讲
无边的海洋　那辽阔的想像比谁　都不平凡
月桂树漂香　那夜风恋月光　我的爱　很不一样 (很不一样)
素净的脸上　从不抹浓妆坚持　自己喜欢
月桂树漂香　云缠绕星光我要　有话就讲
无边的海洋　那辽阔的想像比谁　都不平凡

冰箱 -S.H.E.

把大象放进冰箱有几个步骤 把河马放进冰箱有几个步骤
把回忆放进冰箱会不会寂寞 把爱情放进冰箱也已经到了时候
让眼泪一次流够要几个枕头 让明天不再难过要多少纸鹤
让热情变成冷漠算不算罪过 让爱情退冰多久 才可以化为乌有
从今以后再没有人那样逗我 从今以后 就要分手
从今以后冰箱不必再放啤酒 从今以后 别在门口等我
从今以后再不需要别人哄我 从今以后 就算分手
从今以后日记再也不用上锁 从今以后 甚至不是朋友
苹果给你 柠檬给我 可乐给你 咖啡给我 自由给你
真心给我 你的给你 我的你不能带走



it's time for the period to come to a close... i don't see it going anywhere else except wat it is now..

second paper down and still no feeling.. no exam jitters no nothing.. think something wrong with me..


time passed very fast.. it's almost near the end..

i wonder how can a 30 qn test tell me that i'll be a millionaire some day..

Utmost in your mind is success. You are constantly seeking stimulation and a life full of experience. You are trying to 'grow' and above all you need to develop freely and to shake off the shackles of self-doubt. You are an enthusiastic individual, full of life with the desire to live intensely. You like contact with others and are enthusiastic by nature. You are receptive to anything new, modern or intriguing. Your interests are many and you are likely to expand your fields of activities. You are optimistic about the future and you deserve every success because deep down you are a 'winner'.

You are working extremely hard trying to improve your image in the eyes of others. You are looking for acknowledgement from your peers and those who come into your sphere of influence. You want to be liked, not for what people think of you but for what you really are.

You are feeling under considerable pressure and you are being forced to make concessions. You are not particularly happy with this state of affairs but you feel that you have no alternative. If you were to force issues you would be left out or completely ignored by one and all.

You feel that you must have co-operation from those close to you before the existing stressful situation can be improved. You feel that no-one understands you and this lack of understanding and appreciation makes you feel completely isolated. You need that feeling of security and would like to get away from what you now consider depressing shackles. You have that need to re-establish your own individuality but your sensual self-restraint makes it difficult for you to let go - to open up, but the way that you are feeling at this time makes you feel that 'Enough is enough' and you are prepared to give in. This disturbs you as you feel that this attitude is an obvious sign of weakness - an attitude to be overcome and so in spite of this situation you feel that in order to assert your own individuality you need to continue to practice self-restraint.

You really like doing what you do and, more than that, you like yourself. Your attitude to work and to life is that 'If its not fun - then don't do it'. You want to be liked and respected, not for who you are but for what you are - and it seems to be working.




scary scary colorgenics..

find me in pgp if u want apples or chocolate with wine in it..

today's my first exam.. but it doesn't feel like my exams are starting..

it just feels like any other day.. guess i'm numbed to exams already..

i think i'm halfway back on track to be wat i used to be like..

at least this time was a ARGH!!!! then soon after... grumbling to two ppl and ranting to another offline window.. and another trying to cheer me up.. i feel totally fine..

wat is done, cannot be undone.. i can repeat the scenario over and over again and experience the anger and distress over and over again.. but.. so wat.. so why not just let it go? and let go i did.. it is a thing of the past and there is no need to waste energy on something that is already done..

i prob to stop my compulsive complaining.. a behavior acquired this year or so.. i used to be able to work out my irritations/frustrations etc on my own.. or they disappear faster than i can deal with them.. haha.. but now.. with the availability of ppl who know the reason behind wat i feel.. i tend to unload on them.. which is not a very good thing i suppose... complaining or ranting is a negative energy.. it tires ppl and puts additional distress for ppl.. so... yes... relearning to self contain and self resolve issues.. i know i can.. just that it's so tempting to find someone that understands..

ah well.. not a short road to revert myself back to the person i used to be.. yes, once changed a person can never be truly be the same ever again.. but i believe that bad habits can be kicked.. and that the way i treat things or ppl can be much better though my mind that has been opened cannot be closed again..

another phase in life.. another learning..

with honors.. a show that i caught on tv today..

graduating school with honors?

how about graduating life with honors..

don't quit

when things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
when the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
when the funds are low and the debts are high
and you want to smile but you have to sigh,
when care is pressing you down a bit,
rest if you must but don't quit.

life is queer with its twists and turns,
as everyone of us sometimes learn,
and many a failure turns about
when he might have won had he stuck it out;
don't give up though the pace seems sloe
you may succeed with another blow.

success is failure turned inside out
the silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
and you never can tell how close you are
it may be near when it seems so far;
so stick to the fight when you're the hardest hit
it's when things seems worst that you must not quit.



a poem that a teacher long ago gave to my class.. can't rem who gave it but.. it has been with me ever since..

been thinking about my reaction.. why the frustration.. it's tiring.. i'm tired.. mentally and physically.. arguing tires me alot.. i don't want to.. but .. i reacted and it ended up in an argument..

i need to stop reacting.. it's not good for me or for anyone.. and it's end result is definitely not want i want..


remembering how to assess situations in terms of want i want out of it and wat i need to do to get it..

clarity is wat i need.. seeing things at its simplest form..

self doubt.. something that has always been a bad habit of mine.. get an attack of it every now and then..

i've always been stumped when ppl ask me wat i'm good at.. no ans seems to be popping into my head.. am i that insecure about myself that i don't know wat are my strengths?

Why do I always prepare myself for rejection? And always think that good things will come to an end? I fear that they do.. but it seems like as if this act of fearing brings me closer to wat I fear.. so wat do I do? Feel more secure to rid the fear so that wat I fear will happen won’t happen? How do I do that?

Waiting to see wat will happen next is always so painful to do.. no sense of control.. feels as if waiting for death sentence.. but.. another qn. Will I truly die? Maybe sad for awhile.. maybe.. will i'll end up fine? I have no idea.. but it will definitely not be the same again… sigh..

Starting to doubt whether I’m a nice/good person to hang around with.. all the insecurities.. all my irritations seem to come out with stress and the feeling of inability to do things that I see needs to be done.. I think I’m following someone’s footsteps.. the old and cranky senior..

Plunging into camp felt like I’m finally free from the moaning and gloom that I don’t know wat to do with my life.. it gave me a sense of direction and motivation.. plunging into comm… I end up degenerating in to a ball of mess.. full of actions and reactions.. where did the thinking go to.. I wonder.. have I done anything that I can be proud of? I’m afraid to ans that qn.. but I know being like a porcupine for the past yr is not easy on the ppl who cares for me.. can I make up for wat I did or did not do to/for them? I don’t know.. I hope I can.. someone show me the way.. the little lost gal here just want to find her way back home..

I know that some things are irreversible.. I just want make things right.. the child in me hopes that everything will be good and fine again..

i can't help but feel that i have done something wrong to deserve this.. but.. i don't know wat i did.. so.. how?

maybe i suck at being a good one.. and only receive and not give..

blame it all on the insecure attachments that i had as a infant..

argh.. later

sleeping in my paper nest... again.. where's eil??!

haha.. 3 more webcast to go.. aren't i good? ahahha

hmm.. but text book.. still 10 chap to go... i should just read milestones and summary right?

that's if i have time.. 14hrs to a 15% test.. argh...

very interesting how once i step into my room in pgp, i start to watch my webcast and do my readings..

well having no bed sheets is surely a deterrence to sleeping..



did i posted about my bro telling my ma that he thinks i can't find a guy who would want to marry me?

well.. my mum's harping on it again.. haha.. she say last time when she was my age she had alot of suitors even though she not pretty, how come i don't have..

well don't know why.. maybe i too scary.. not gf material.. too tomboy.. too loud.. etc..

haha.. and.. shar suggested to stalk international sch ppl.. she thinks it's the case that singaporean guys don't appreciate me.. maybe.. who knows..

see how lar.. no one will know wat will happen in the future.. maybe next time my suitors queue from jurong to changi.. hahahha.. must be longer than my mum's queue of suitors.. otherwise she say i lao ya again..


enuf of day(night) dreaming about men.. back to 10 webcast and 10.5 chap of dev..

lyrics surfing.. haha.. should be studying..

best part is.. never heard these songs before..

"Starting Today"
natalie imbruglia

Starting today I'm not gonna waste another moment
Even if I had the chance before I would have blown it
But you took me by surprise
And you caught me just in time
Everyday you give me reason not to walk away
I stop believing that the world's gone crazy
And if it is you'll save me
Starting today I'm not gonna worry about tomorrow
I'll wash away all this fear that's left me feeling hollow
Cause you made me want to try
And you caught me just in time
Everyday you give me reason not to walk away
I'll stop believing I should burn like crazy
Cos if I did you chase me

Anyway, I should have told you
So many times
That I shyed away
Somehow you always seem to
Be there, making it easy
And you give me reason to stay

Everyday, Everyday, Everyday
Oh everyday I'll stop believing that I should burn like crazy
Cos if I did you chase me
Anyway you give me reason not to walk away
I stop believing that the world's gone crazy
And if it is you'll save me

Starting today I'm not gonna waste another moment...

"The Journey Home"
sarah brightman

The journey home is never too long
Your heart arrives before the train
The journey home is never too long
Some yesterdays always remain

I'm going back to where my heart was light
When my pillow was a ship, I sailed through the night

Aaah, aaah, aaah, aaah, aaah...

The journey home is never too long
When open hearts are waiting there
The journey home is never too long
There's room to love and room to spare
I want to feel the way that I did then
And think my wishes through before I wish again

Aaah, aaah, aaah, aaah, aaah...

Not every boat you come across is one you have to take
No, sometimes standing still can be the best move you ever make

The journey home is never too long
Comes helps to heal the deepest pain
The journey home is never too long
Your heart arrives before the train

Thursday, November 10, 2005.

"i am never the favourite, the popular, the smartest, the talented, the most attractive, nor am i the most hated, the naughtiest, haughty, evil, destroyer, prankster. i am bland. as bland as water can be. and my life was too."

"how i wish my life was exciting, extraordinary.. i don't mind that it may suck like hell or there are many ups and downs in my life. some may think that i am naive, or even dumb maybe. but i don't care. at least i would have had some experiences that will be deeply imprinted in my memory, giving me guidance, shaping and defining me."

"it would be nice if someday, before we die, we can get to see a repeat telecast of wat we have done this lifetime.. to evaluate, to rejoice, to regret or even just to understand wat we have gone through from a third person's perspective.."

"the ppl that i have met, those that i remember and some that i had forgotten. the person that i was like, how i have grown and change, or didn't change. who and wat shaped me. have i done good enough, or could i have done more. all these i am very interested to know.. a video of my life"

"how long will i live? i am not sure, but i want to make the best out of it. i don't want to leave without putting up a good fight, to leave a mark on this earth"


parts of a post i posted then..

sometimes.. i think i hate getting wat i wished for.. maybe ppl shouldn't wish for things cos... getting them never seem as nice as imagining having it..

but if u were to ask if i've regretted doing wat i've done... i'm not sure.. but i'll definitely regret if i've hurt someone.. other than that? no.. i won't regret.. cos i've learnt alot from them.. maybe it is the pt in my life where i am suppose to learn them.. a journey.. not an end..

need to thank alot of ppl who stuck with me thru the periods of storm.. being understanding and accommodating.. i haven't been the best of friends to be with.. yet u are there when i needed someone.. so.. thank you..

where have i been the past year? have i forgotten who i am?

finding me..

wat's out there when i graduate?

a future unknown..

i will go where i'm meant to be.. wherever it may be..



thinking of buying the singapore dream book.. i shall.. it'll be up on the shelves on mon.. hmm.. maybe should buy on wed.. otherwise dev text will be chucked some place..

it's been a long time since i've last read anything outside textbooks..

why can't u just let go?

i need space and time to grow.. u are too suffocating..

u can't keep me by ur side forever..

thinking.. thinking.. still thinking.. i'll work all of it out..

no more on autopilot now.. manual is still the best..

i'll be back..

歌曲：眼神

歌手：孙燕姿 专辑：leave

被现实推挤
梦想会变形
执着让人
觉得好吃力

我只是看着你
了解的神情
微笑扬起
又能继～～续

有时候爱是一种眼神
赶走所有苦闷
是你让我记得自己不是一个人

有你在什么都有可能
因为彼此信任
真的爱情不需要保证(会恒温)

你从不劝我
别逆风飞行
牵手陪我
向梦前～～进

歌曲：我想

歌手：孙燕姿 专辑：leave

我忘了忘了多久没见面
你还在为那件事而翻脸
我不能改变你的平衡点
总爱往不快乐的一边陷

你给我的那张地图
已经没有快乐的路
好不好我就专程
拨个电话向你问个清楚
天黑了路不是很清楚
天亮了吹不散大雾
看不清风景的面目
我该踏出哪一步

我想我已经没有后路
只是你的帮助
我的天空一天比一天
比你更模糊
我想你一定比我清楚
我已经没有后路
只是你都看不出
我想我不能再装傻一点
瞎了眼变成看不见
我的蜕变

害怕-孙燕姿

忘
我没有很努力要自己去遗忘
那些和日记一起收藏的过往
孤单在思绪之中变得很漫长

想
我没有很刻意让自己不去想
那些和照片静止的模样
我学着坚强
坚强到不用学着不想
学着遗忘

还是害怕夜深人静时总想起你
还是害怕的不经意听见你的消息
然而当爱已经沉淀得太清晰
当拥有已经是失去
就勇敢的放弃

还是害怕一个人时就很难忘记
还是害怕突然宁愿当初没有决定
然而当爱最后的出口是分离
我会这么相信
走下去

i'm such a contradiction.. things i say.. things i do.. things i feel.. things i see..

was looking thru old posts of feb last year.. and how diff it was from the posts i have this yr.. i have gone down some self pity-ing self demoralising self denial road.. i need to get out..

my life is just great..

now.. i can't fall asleep.. i need to sleep.. i'm tired.. let me sleep pls..

伤口- z chen
我们彼此留下一个无法痊愈的伤口给对方
痛着醒来痛着入睡 _ 即使早已远离当时的战场
遗憾昨日的笑容无法出现在今天的脸上
那些模样历经沧桑 _ 宁愿提醒自己该如何学习遗忘

伤口被时间贿酪 _ 伤口让勇气沉默
伤口没收了原本属于我蓝色的天空
你还是可以温柔 _ 伤痛让我去承受
伤口竟成了如今找寻你的线索

遗憾昨日的笑容无法出现在今天的脸上
那些模样历经沧桑宁愿提醒自己该如何学习遗忘

伤口被时间贿酪 _ 伤口让勇气沉默
伤口没收了原本属于我蓝色的天空
你还是可以温柔 _ 伤痛让我去承受
伤口竟成了如今找寻你的线索

伤口被时间贿酪 _ 伤口让勇气沉默
伤口没收了原本属于我蓝色的天空
你还是可以温柔 _ 伤痛让我去承受
只是别忘了原本属于你的是我

人生数十年，朋友，你追求什么？

世上一切都要过去； 我们不过是客旅。

过眼云烟、昙花一现； 一切都毫无意义，

犹如一声叹息，转眼成空、如飞而去。

for a person who don't like ppl to see me cry..

tearing and walking around in sch with toilet paper stuff to my nose is definitely not the way to go..

been too emotional this week.. maybe i'm pms-ing..

happy day? well.. can say so..

received a verdict in the morning... from my dad.. he gave a yes... haha.. finally.. i guess we are all learning to get used to me being an adult.. well.. a first step.. a hard bargain.. i must get good grades.. haha.. how does one month in the hall equate to a confirm get better grades.. but.. i'll do my best..



good news came when i reach home too.. not that i won 4d.. well.. not that i buy either.. my ma changing job.. and she's happy about it.. so.. yar.. very happy for her.. it reminds me again how adaptable my ma is.. she just worries too much.. but.. at least now she worries less..




don't know how to make of my mood today though..


i wonder.. is my dad right about saying that i should learn when to keep my mouth shut cos most of the time it's inappropriate and the tone irritates ppl..

feeling alittle blue.. not sure why..

music didn't help.. nor did playing games..

variety shows made me laugh some.. but it was soon over..

i just feel like sleeping my life away.. but.. the dark circles don't seem to fade.. i still feel tired..

lethargy.. two days and counting..

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

maybe i'm just too rigid and myopic..

i shall not be..

camp.. psych camp..


i could still remember the time when i was in year one..

i was alone.. one person in a faculty that i don't know.. a place where i know no one.. mismatch.. a science student in an arts faculty..

not that i minded going to an unfamiliar place.. not that i needed friends to be around me all the time.. i managed fine on my own.. figured out bidding, my way around sch, the right place to go tutorials, using ivle.. it wasn't tough..

but.. going lectures and tutorials on my own... then go home when it finishes.. it all just feels too cold to me..

sch to me.. used to be a place full of fun and laughter.. if i don't know anyone, i make friends out of the ppl around me.. but.. in arts.. life alone was tough.. u see ppl hanging around their friends... u see ppl having lunch partners.. and i always felt left out.. like why didn't i know ppl earlier.. ppl i do projects with just want to finish the work.. always rushing off to other meetings or to classes.. no one seems to have time to stop and chat.. making friends was tough.. everyone seemed unfriendly and unapproachable..

i'll always be thankful to justina for asking me to go for a camp of a society that she was in..

i didn't want to go at first.. cos.. i was tired.. too comfortable in my own shell to want to go for camps.. but.. i told myself that i had to make some friends and the camp was about self awareness.. something that i am always interested in knowing..

frankly speaking, there was not much self awareness in it.. but the bonding.. amazing is one word that i will describe it.. the feeling that it is safe and ok to share your thots with ppl u don't know.. to talk about issues that u never broach to even good friends that u had for years.. i came out rich... with friends to say hi to when i go to sch.. with ppl to take classes with.. with ppl who stop by for a chat, a word of encouragement, a moment of relaxation..

i felt like i found my place in this seemingly cold university.. a place that i can belong..

camp was something that i felt i could give back wat i have gotten from this society.. a place i push myself out of my comfort zone to give.. to learn.. to provide.. to experience..

i was worried at first.. not knowing wat to do.. cos i don't know how to facilitate.. i have never been to any orientation in university.. not even o week.. so.. i compromised and told them that i wanted to be a ranger.. to act freshie for the first day gives me enuf time to be comfortable enuf to interact with them..

the three days were like a whirlwind.. i didn't know if wat i did was right or not.. all i remembered was planning before camp wat we the facils hope to do for our grp.. wat kind of souvenir we can give them to take back.. pre camp was tiring.. but we still stayed up whole night to think of how to bond the grp.. thinking of cheers and games.. and soon, it was over.. ribbon ceremony was unforgettable.. you see a bunch of tired faces.. but.. they say the sweetest things.. touched was wat i felt.. i didn't know wat i did.. but.. hearing how they felt about the camp.. made me feel like i did alot.. like i have a part to play in giving them the experience they had..

some of the campers told me.. that they never knew that they can make friends like this.. that it was a very memorable experience.. some say they were very glad to have made the decision to come, otherwise they would have missed out on this wonderful experience.. they no longer feel lost in this big sch.. that they have found a place they can go to.. that will always be there for them.. some thank the organisers.. the most touching thing of all.. is to hear ppl saying that they too want to come back to help in the camp any way they can, to be like the facils.. to give ppl the experience that they have gotten..

giving back is only something that ppl do when they have received...

and giving back.. wanting to see the same experience being given to everyone else.. the care and warmth that was felt.. the sense of belonging.. was wat that has kept me going.. i know wat i do may not be enuf.. but.. every small action counts.. and ppl will see it.. no matter how minute it is.. it is the heart that counts... a simple action can change ppl's lifes.. and i want to change it for the better..

a simple camp.. may not be that simple after all..

with that same purpose i joined psych camp.. the comm..

i admit.. i do get lost and frustrated now and then.. but.. i have never forgotten that goal.. it is always at the back of my head.. that wat i do can give ppl the chance to make their lifes alittle better.. and.. the knowledge there are alot of ppl out there.. who believes in us.. who also wants to give back .. who are always there to support to get help from.. it shows that.. they too, have been touched.. it's not the superficial thing that matters.. but the heart.. and.. ppl do feel it..

so.. for the ppl.. strive on..

personal touch always wins over the flowery stuff.. looking good and nice is not enuf..

your destiny is to be a Provider

Whether you know it or not, this is the role that is most in tune with who you are at your core. As a Provider, you have a genuine nurturing concern for the welfare of others and you're eager to serve them. You can recognize exactly what people need and your friendly, helpful, social nature makes them feel comforted. With your kind and generous heart, you are personable, talkative, and outward with your emotions, and your openness and sensitivity makes you concerned about the way others view you. Along these lines, be careful not to blame yourself when things go wrong. You cannot prevent bad things from happening, even though your tendency to be orderly with a strong sense of right and wrong may lead you to believe you can. Accept that you do what you can to take care of things and that this will get you far in the world.

my incapability to feel sadness used to bother me... sometimes i wonder is the emotion suppressed somewhere..

now.. i just accept it as part of me.. and try not to say or do anything that would harm ppl unintentionally..




intentional walking away and hurting someone... did it once.. yar.. cowardly i guess.. too immature... not wanting to face the issue..

i tend to run away from problems or fears that i think they are too big..

power play... miscommunications... misunderstandings.. feeling of being in the right.. the qn of do u care enuf and wat do i mean to u... the belief that others should take the first step..

generalizable to other parts of my life? yes..

have i done anything about the situations when i was in them? some yes.. some no..

why? good qn...

more to think about..

my goal.. clarity of thoughts and actions..



a reflection on my term.. did i achieve wat i set out to?



sigh.. sometimes i think i talk big.. but actions small..

was irritated when i was treated like a child who didn't know better.. not a very mature thing to do.. but a very ingrained mechanism of defence..

guess i was more angry with the fact that i'm irritated..

it's ironic to be a uni student and have no clue of wat is the education system is like here.. wat's left of 15 yrs of education is the vague memory of wat it was like when i was in pri sch, sec sch, jc and now uni.. almost oblivious to wat is going on in the education 'world'..

had a great time catching up on the education scene here.. moe website really have everything.. very easy to get lost in the myriad of info it contains.. can't seem to bring myself from leaving the website.. very comprehensive.. whether it is a look nice thing for ppl.. i don't know.. but... if i want to find out about wat education is like here.. it's one website i won't miss out..

haha.. i wonder if they'll pay me for the advert..


time to write my essay..

don't do or say things that you don't mean... it sounds very fake.. i rather that u don't say anything.. if u really want to care and understand.. you will take the effort to find out.. don't do the superficials.. cos it says very little of u..



haha.. a relatively vague post... maybe it's for a particular person.. maybe its for the rest out there that are guilty of it... who knows..

i'm playing with ur mind..


think only talked about it with body.. so.. for those who worry that i might be talking about u cos i misunderstood and don't dare ask me.. ask her.. hhahahhaa.. but i doubt friends i make will want to try to be fake with me..

wah.. just realised that it's really a test of determination if u want to know wat's on my mind.. haha.. cos.. firstly.. u must have enuf perseverance to find her.. secondly.. if u pass her filter and end up on the 'can tell' list.. then u are worthy of the ans that u want to find out.. oh.. and u have to factor in her blurness.. tough.. but well.. there's an easier route.. find me lor.. i'll tell u.. hehz.. your choice..

hor body, i always give choice one.. and even help lay out the pros and cons.. hahahhaaha..



i don't pick up fakeness that well.. not too sensitive to it.. but there are fakeness so stark that i cannot ignore..

if u have been fake with me and i don't know.. it's ok.. just don't let me know.. i'll be quite upset.. haha.. self denial, yes.. but a protection mechanism from jadedness and cynicism..